Major changes + Saved by C

I don't feel like writing out a whole post, but I'm going to document the main points here:

MAJOR CHANGES AT WORK (THAT I'M REALLY NOT AT LIBERTY TO DISCUSS ON A PUBLIC INTERNET FORUM.)

• Structural changes announced today. Had no idea they were coming.
• As of one month from Monday, I no longer have my job.
• There is one other job that several people can apply for.
• I have applied for it already.
• I was told by superiors that I'm not qualified on paper (due to being 25 and other things outside of my control), but they like my thoroughness, drive, and passion and so they are willing to "take a risk on me." So I have stayed in the applicant pool.
• I already interviewed for it today.
• I also took initiative to draft a business plan and submit it to them today.
• I will find out if I get it on Monday
• It'd be nice to get the job because, it's a job, and because the actual description is "up my alley" in many ways.
• If I don't get the job, I seriously will be okay with that. I won't end up on the streets. I have a nice family. I can move back in with them for a while if necessary.
• Everyone was walking around in shock today. For whatever reason, I was just like "eh, change can be good..." I really do like change. And, even though it negatively affects my current job, I think it is a very good change for the company. Honestly.
• I feel like I've done the best I can do with applying. So now I wait. And whatever happens is completely fine by me.

FOOD INTERVENTION FROM C (Boss/Friend)

• I wasn't going to eat but, at 11am, I had to speak with the VP of the company and I needed to be alert for this conversation, so I ate a bagel with cream cheese. No guilt. No anxiety. Somehow easy to do. Still, I was thinking that I should now only eat salad from hereon out. The bagel felt good though. I had been avoiding carbs lately.
• 4pm, I am so freezing my teeth are chattering.
• C: "Laura, you're cold because you're not eating enough. You didn't have lunch today."
• ME: "I did. I had the bagel with cream cheese."
• C: No, that was breakfast. You have not eaten anything today.
• I stare blankly at my computer screen. I don't know what to do. I really want to eat. I o feel hungry. But I don't know what to do because I "should" not eat. And I am freezing and totally zoned out and am not being productive.
• C: Are you okay?
• Me: yup.
• C: Let's try again... ARe you okay?
• Me: Not right now, but I will be.
• C: Laura, cut it out. Look at me.
• I turn my chair around.
• C: It's just me and you here. Talk to me.
• Me: I want to cancel my dinner date tonight.
• C: Do you want to cancel b/c you don't want to eat pasta?
• Me: Kinda
• C: Will you eat by yourself?
• Me: Maybe.
• C: Maybe isn't good to me. Look me in the eye and tell me you'll eat.
• I can't do that. C rubs my leg and grabs my hand.
• Me: okay, I just want to cancel the dinner date. But for the wrong reasons.
• C: You saying Maybe though isn't good enough for me. Listen, you didn't eat lunch. That's not acceptable. You might not eat dinner. You need to eat something right now.
• Me: I'm sorry you have to worry about this. Don't worry. It's not a big deal.
• C: It is a big deal. Dont' say sorry. It's not your fault. Don't apologize.
• Me: I'm sorry
• C: Stop it.
• ME: k
• C: What are you thinking?
• I just can't say it
• C: What are you thinking?
• Silence
• C: Don't keep it a secret. Don't keep it a secret. What are you thinking?
• ME: I'm thinking that I ate the bagel and now I want to eat but I don't feel like I should because I ate the bagel, but I'm hungry and I just want it to hurry up and be tomorrow so I can eat again because I can't eat right now but that's stupid b/c it's not like I'm paralyzed and in a coma.
• C: Well, you're kind of in a coma. And your mind is paralyzed right now.
• Me: Oh. Hm. Never thought of it like that.
• C challenges me on my beliefs about food. She pushes me to be honest with her. I get to a point where I have to stop talking or I'll cry.
• I take a big deep breath.
• C: You're so, so hungry. It's hwy you have your coat on. IT's why you can't think right now.
• Me: I can think. I'm not actually that hunry. I just don't wnat to eat. I'm sorry.
• C: Stop apologizing. It isn't your fault. But you do need to eat. This is not okay with me. Will you eat now?
• Silence
• C: Laura?
• Silence
• C: You dont' throw up do you?
• ME: No
• C: So if I see oyu eat, then that means you actuall ate.. like, the food won't magically go somewhere afterwards. Right?
• Me: Right.
• C: So if I force you to eat, you'll have eaten. Ok, so let's eat. Will you eat now?
• Silence
• C: If I put food in front of you and do not let you get up until it's gone, will you eat it?
• Me: probably
• C: K, I'm going to go get food.
• Me: No. Please!
• C: I think you should call your therapist.
• Me: No
• C: Can I call her?
• Me: No. Why?
• C: Because you are having a really hard time right now.
• Me: It's nice of you to offer, but it's okay.
• C: Then you have to eat with me right now.
• Me: No, I'm sorry, but no
• C: Stop apologizing. Okay, I'm sorry to do this but I'm giving you two choices: I'm calling your therapist for you OR you're eating lunch in front of me, right now.
• Me: What?
• C: I'm serious.
• Me: Ok, I'll eat.
• C: What do you want?
• Me: I'll go get something.
• C: No, last time that happened you came back with a banana for lunch. I'll go get you rsomething and I'll get ice cream for me so we can eat together. Be right back.
• I wait.
• C returns with a PB sandwich and Pineapple juice
• I give her a hug.
• C: I love your hugs, but your'e not gonna sweet talk me out of this. Sit.
• I smile
• C: I'm not kidding. Sit. Right now.
• C opens my sandwich, puts it in front of me.
• C: I remembered, no jelly, just pb and pineapple juice is your favorite juice! All your favorite foods right in front of you! How exciting!!!
• I peel off the crust.
• C: i'm onto you. You are not going to just eat the crust. Just pick it up like a normal perso and take a bite. I know it's hard, but you'll feel so much better in the end.
• I eat
• We laugh
• We eat.
• AND DRINK (yup, with prodding, I drank my favorite kind of juice ever!)
• We laugh.
• Phone rings.
• I reach to answer it.
• C unplugs the phone bfore I have a chance to answer
• C turns off my computer monitor
• C unplugs all the other phones
• We eat
• I feel SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much better!!!
• SO MUCH MORE ALIVE!!!!!
• I thank her for being able to deal with this
• She says, no problem, the only time it's hard is when she feels like tying me to a chair and force feeding me but that, she says, would probably be crossing the line:)
• 7:30pm, C wants to watch a movie together at her house
• I agree
• C tells me she thinks I should eat dessert while we watch the movie. She asks if I can do that.
• I tell her, "Hey, so far, everytime I've eaten at your suggestion, it's turned out to be a brilliant idea and I become energetic and happy again, so I second your notion to eat dessert."
• We eat ice cream while watching a movie.
• C: "you know this means you still are eating B and L tomorrow... eh, forget I said that, we'll deal with that when it comes.

And that was my day.

I feel really happy right now.

There was definitely a few REALLY PAINFUL, HARD moments prior to C pushing the PB sandwich on me... but, turned out to be the best thing ever. I need that kind of force all the time!

Food feels pretty good.

Today DEFINITELy would have ended up disordered without C pushing so hard and threatening to call Jane though.