A fighting mood.
A I'm-gonna-push-your-buttons-on-purpose mood.
An everyone-is-driving-too-slow mood.
An I'm-annoyed-at-you mood.
Not the nicest person today am I? Ha ha... I'm still friendly and all, but, inside, I'm mad. AT what? Nothing in particular... but here are the things that are bothering me today:
- Jane's appt. I was mad during it. She's talking to me about relationships, distance, closeness, observing myself as I relate to others. When am I distant? Do I feel the need to get more distant? When? How often? When do I crave closeness? Do I let myself get close? She thinks I have difficulty dealing with the anxiety that surfaces when I'm close. Ok, in dating relationships, yes. In friendships, no. I can have close friends. I let friends get really close, actually.... THANK YOU VERY MUCH. OK?! GEEZ! I mean, yeah, I know that I have difficulty with affection and with intimate relationships, and, yes, I know I have not been eating like a normal person lately, so I suppose that means I have an "eating disorder" or whatever you want to call it.... but, really? I mean.... can't I just be done "working on myself?" I feel like I don't really have problems. I mean, yes, I have problems, but the problems I have that I work on in therapy.... everybody has those problems. Not THOSE problems, but SOME problem. I guess I just... am annoying myself that I'm still in therapy. Yes, I am annoyed at myself. And Jane wants to keep "working" and I don't want to be honest about how I feel. I don't want to have a "Real conversation" with her because... I don't want her to find anything else to work on. I mean... I am fine! Sometimes I feel like I am being soooo fake. Like, yes, I've been having food issues but it's my choice. I do not feel the way I felt when I was at my worst - when I wanted out but couldn't. At this point, I feel like I'm making bad food choices but I (for whatever reason) keep choosing to do so. And I don't care. So oh well. And I know I'm uncomfortable when it comes to dating, but can't I just not talk about it? Can't I just not tell you what it feels like? Can't I just live like this? I don't even understand dating anyway! You want me to date? But I don't get it! I don't know how! I can't keep dating... I have so many questions... Are you supposed to feel chemistry right away? IF you don't, are you supposed to say your'e only interested in friendship? How long do you have until you have to Decide if you are interested in more? Is this something you decide or something you feel? How do I know if I feel it or not? The fact that I'm asking tells me I'm not feeling it. But am I just closed off to feeling it? Am I asexual (Jane says no, but how does she know?)? Tracy says chemistry develops over time... okay so am I supposed to date everyone I know to see if it develops? Jane says if I'm only interested in friendship, then I can communicate that.... but what if chemistry would have developed over time? anyway..... I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS ANGER... MAYBE IT'S THAT I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO DATE OR RELATE TO PEOPLE IN THAT WAY AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE "DONE." I WNAT TO BE.... done. I WANT ............ I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO JUST LET ME ACCEPT WHERE I AM. SPEAKING OF WHERE I AM.... so I tell Jane what I said to a guy and she says I'm being wishy washy with him, but that's because I FREAKING FEEL WISHY WASHY. She tells me that if I communicate ambiguously, the guy thinks the door is open. BUT WHAT IF I WANT THE DOOR OPEN? (BUT MAYBE NOT)....also, Jane gave me a goal that I am annoyed at. I dont' want to write the goal here b/c it's triggering, but it has to do with a body checking thing. It's almost equivalent to a weight gain goal except it has to do with a body size goal. And it's dumb! The only reason she gave me this goal is b/c she knows the ED part of me is becoming attached to a certain body thing, and she wants to break that. Well, hello, if I didn't have an ED, I would be allowed to be at this size. I'm not gonna go change sizes just because... I just... I didn't want to go "into" things iwth Jane today. I stalled. I talked about health care. I talked about opinion formation... BUT SHE EVEN FINDS SOMETHING TO WORK ON WITH THAT. APPARENTLY I HAVE "INTELLECTUAL POWER" AND I USE THAT POWER TO DISCRIMINATE (I can decide what a student should vs. shouldn't do to achieve,... what policy a company should vs. shouldn't implement, etc.) BUT I ALSO USE THAT POWER TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST MYSELF (which is apparently a no-no). She thinks I don't give myself credit and, as a result, exclude myself from circles I flow in (she's thinking intellectual circles). It's true, I flow in a few intellectual-y circles (yeah, you woudln't think so based on my spelling... i'm just a super fast typer), and I feel like a "fake intellectual" and then she wants to talk a/b how I think I'm a fake intellectual... OMG! U KNOW WHAT... I DON'T CARE THAT I'M A FAKE INTELLECTUAL... MANY PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE INTELLECTUAL BUT ARE FAKE INTELLECTUALS TOO! And then she wants to talk about relationships and I swear.... I don't know how to contribute here. I don't know how to ask the questions I have. Instead I just feel like saying "BUT I DON'T GET HOW RELATING TO PEOPLE WORKS" and then she thinks this must translate to having difficulty relating to people as friends too... BUT IT DOESN'T... and then she wants to talk body image and she watns me to be all sensual with myself and gives me all this touch-yourself type of homework... WHY?!.. I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME LIVE AS I AM!!!!! This is alllllllll sooooooooooooooooooo STUPID! Sure, I have problems, but I'm basically a regular person and all this therapy (and sometimes even this blogging) just makes me feel crazy! I'm just a regular person. Maybe the thing is that even regular people should have therapy too. ha. Maybe therapy isn't such a bad thing... it's just a tool I use to help me live the way I awnt to live.... this is good... except when I feel like putting hte "Work" on pause and the therapist doesn't.
And I told Jane I'm annoyed wiht myself. I told her that, if I were her, I'd be rolling her eyes at me. B/c I suck at eating and b/c I just come her - a perfectly fine person - a normal person without much bad in her life - a normal really really blessed person - and I'm like "wah, wah, I have difficulty with closeness and I wonder if I should eat dinner or not." OMG GET OVER YOURSELF, LARUA! and jane is more patient with me than I am. She says "it took you a while to get the ED, it'll take a while to get rid of it." Fine. whatever. But I don't even want to get rid of it anymore. I just want to stop where I am now and live like this. I don't mind. I don't!!!!!!!! Just let me live like this... Im' generally healthy...... just let me have a funked up relationship with food. i know how to be different, i'm just choosing not to be b/c i'm a freaking freak and I have some sort of attachment to "mild hunger." WTF. SO STUPID> this is why I annoy myself.... b/c I'm acting like a complaining baby. Nothing is wrong with my life so stop going to therapy... your "problems" are soooo miniscule. Just eat an effing sandwich and answer the phone when suavecito calls you annoying person!
JAne says that food and body is going backwards but relationship to others and self is going forward and that' just what happens. She says, earlier, food was ahead and this emotion/relationship crap was behind... so she says this happens. things switch places and eventually they all even out.
okay...
i dont' care though...
I'm less annoyed now that I "vented."
Thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment