I wrote the post right before I fell asleep, and I deleted the post the next morning. Deleting it had nothing to do with the 2 comments that I received overnight.
Let me take a second here to answer the comments:
1) David - your comment was hilarious. Thank you for the "slap."
2) Sarah - yes, avoiding weight gain via screwed up metabolism/body freak-outs, was basically my only motivation to start eating more frequently. And, no, I didn't take your comment offensively AT ALL! So no worries about that, kay? :)
Why did I delete the post? Here are some thoughts as to why"
1) Well, the post was about me being disordered with food. It was admitting that I continually keep purposely skipping meals. I didn't want to have ANOTHER post about falling back to the eating disordered ways. I didn't want to have ANOTHER post about being messed up with food.
2) Also, I knew that I probably wasn't going to blog for a couple of days, so I didn't want that to be my last post that just lingered, defining me until I next logged in and posted something new and more positive.
3) Also, it seems like if I write "oh I keep deciding it's okay to skip meals and I keep doing that but I really shouldn't" (which is essentially what I wrote in the deleted post), then it seems like the next thing I have to write is "Ok, all better, I fixed it." It seems like if I write that I am doing something disordered with food, then it means I have to change it. And what if I don't? What if I don't have something good to post next?
4) And it seems like if I post about doing something disordered with food, then I have to keep everybody "in the loop" about what's going on with food... And I don't necessarily want to because a) I will disappoint people if I'm not eating "perfectly" and b) what if I want to post about other topics? I feel like I have to resolve all food issues before posting about other topics. And since I don't feel like I'm a/b to be a good eater any time soon, I would rather just hide my food habbits so that no one knows about them so that I'm allowed to go post about other topics. (more about this in point 5)
5) I sort of feel like I'm "not allowed" to move on to other topics until I have totally become a perfect eater. It's like people are wanting me to be a "perfect eater" and I just don't think I will ever be. And it's like my blog has been defined as an "eating disorder blog" (b/c it is...), but really it was just meant to be a "me blog." I didn't start blogging as a place to write about my ED. I started blogging as just a space to write. Period. It just so happened that everything I was ever thinking about was ED/food/body/exercise related....so that's what I wrote about.... so that's how it became an ED blog. So I sort of feel like I have to "end the food topic" before I can "move on" and have a "life blog." And I don't think the "food topic" will be considered to be "ended" by other people (based off my behaviors). But if I can keep my behaviors a secret, then people won't tell me to keep working on it.... and people won't know that my eating thoughts/behaviors aren't totally normal... and so I can, more easily, with less guilt, move on an just write about life. (My deleted post admitted to only eating 1 meal al day... and I wanted to erase the evidence)
6) I'm not sure that writing about the ED is good for me. It keeps me "working on it" and "thinking about it," and I don't want to think about it anymore. I want something else to define me, something else to write about.
7) Sometimes I think I'm not as ED as my writing makes me seem. I'm not as bothered by food as my writing makes it appear. Sometimes I get more bothered when I write.
8) Part of me sort of knows that if I didn't go to therapy, didn't talk to Tracy, and never blogged about this topic.... then I'd be okay. I would probably still be eating disordered in some ways, but I'd be content, I'd be happy, and I truly don't think the ED would be out of control. Maybe I'm being naive, but I think it's true. I think people don't trust me very much when i say this, but I mean it.
9) I know all you all are not asking me to write about this. I'm doing it on my own.
10) I know all of you don't judge me either when I still do something messed up with food. I know all of you understand. I really know this. I do not feel judged in the least. I am not afraid of admitting anything to you all. It's more just admitting it to myself that is the difficult thing. I only feel supported by you all...
11) I deleted it b/c I sort of WANT to just ignore it. My choice to delete it had nothing to do with you all. You are all incredible and amazing. I'm just trying to run from this topic... run from myself and this topic..
So why did I delete my last post? I just don't want food to be a thing that I admit to messing up with about anymore. And I don't want to "work" on the ED anymore. I want to just live.
Im not sure this made any sense......
bottom line: I don't want to blog a/b ED anymore, because I don't want anyone to encourage me to not have an ED... I just want to stay like I am.... maybe? I dunno... I mean, maybe I don't even have an ED... maybe all this therapy and blogging just makes me think I do?
Well, I see you making huge improvements all over the place. I don't think of this as an ED only blog. In fact lately you have moved so far from the food aspects of ED that I was very happy for you.
ReplyDeleteWhat I saw was a slip. One that you were honest about and going to fix. It's ok to say "help" for a few days. You knew you were not eating enough to function right. I just don't want you to get crazy shaky again.
You are a strong, intelligent and wonderful lady. ED doesn't define you, it's a part of you sometimes and you need to protect yourself from it but I think you do a good job with that. If you don't want to write about that's fine, write about what you want to write about. I'll keep reading.
You've got a crazy life and I want to read about it. I do hope you are doing better with EVERYTHING in your life right now, food, boy's therapy, your job and family.
David... WOW. THANK YOU. Thank you thank you thank you. Your comment made me feel like you see me beyond just the ED. And now I'm not so afraid to write about whatever I want/need to write about. THank you for that response. Seriously. Thank you. I don't even know if I can tell you thank you enough - thank you for showing me that other people see me beyond just the ED. Thank you for saying you're interested in all aspects of my life - not just food. Thank you for making me feel "seen" and valued. thank you for such a not black-and-white comment.
ReplyDeleteI did not just see this as an ED blog either. I have loved reading about your passion for tutoring and seeing kids excel ... and have had even more fun reading about your recent dates. I did come to this blog at first because you mentioned an ED and I could relate, but in no way does the ED define you. I think we all see more of you then you realize (usually we are the last ones to see ourselves rightly or as anything more than an ED patient).
ReplyDeleteI am all for you writing about your life and your passions and dreams --- just make sure you continue to be honest with your "real life" support system ... and not just Jane and Tracy ... when things go awry. Secrecy is what drives ED, and with as much as you have going for you right now I do not want to see you lose it. We care and we want the best life for you possible.
So - write whatever you wish ... I will keep reading :)
Heck yeah! It is your very own blog with which to write whatever you want, and delete whatever you want. It's okay. What keeps me reading your blog is your honesty and up-front approach to posting in general. Just know that people out there in bloggy land want you to take care of you and be healthy and happy. I would love that for everyone, really, as happy-go-lucky and silly as that sounds. Be well!
ReplyDeletei didn't see the last post, but I care about you as a whole person. You are not your ED. You have a life that is complex and interesting and I like to hear about you.
ReplyDeletexo
Laura, I never get sick of reading your blog and you can write about your ED as much as you want. I think the reason I said what I said and I'm glad I didn't offend, is that I was trying to draw your attention to the fact that I could see but I wasn't sure you could when you wrote it. I also believe your blog is so MUCH MORE than your ED. Don't ever feel you can't write what you want, or that others will not like it. That would mean you weren't being you and I LIKE you! I think you're awesome and lovely and amazing and so so full of life. I see the ED as a small part and what you write helps me think about how I am with my ED. Don't stress, you be you and we'll love you no matter what your posts are about :-)
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah