Post Date Freak Out to Calm

I walked back into my apartment after my date # 3 with Suavecito and felt... weird. My first thought was "Not eating dinner." My next thought was, "If I still binged, this would have been a time when I would consider doing that." Then I thought, "These are weird feelings.. it's okay to just have them." So, I started cleaning, but, eventually, I lost it. I've just been crying and cleaning, and I need to write so that I have documented what is actually going on in my head so that I can recall it accurately when I tell Jane. I need to tell Jane about this because this is something I need help in. I know I need to work on this. I'm not sure what "this" is, but I know there are a lot of things I'm thinking. I'm just going to get it all out of my head and onto paper so I can see what's troubling me. Okay... begin:

I don't know why I'm like this.
I've been like this for as long as I can remember - ever since middle school.
I know not all relationships are fun and dandy 100% of the time.
But no one feels like I feel.
No one feels like, when they're with their date, all they want with every molecule of their being is to be anywhere but next to him.
I behave like a person who has been sexually abused..... except I haven't.
I behave like a person who has experienced a bad breakup.... except I haven't.
My complaints that I have about him don't even make any sense.
Stop looking at me.
Stop talking in that nice, genuine, understanding, trusting voice.
Stop acting as if you want to marry me right this second.
I like that I know he likes me. He tells me all the time. I like that.
I like that I know he thinks I'm beautiful. He tells me all the time. I like that.
I like that he respects my comfort zone. That he tells me he'll go as slow as I want.
There is nothing wrong with him.
Except for that.
When I'm with him...
I can't even get myself to look at him.
I can tell he's looking at me.
I can feel his eyes on me.
And I can't look at him. I can't angel my body towards him.
I just have to get away.
I feel frozen.
I want to shrivel inside my body
Shimmy down my leg
Crawl out of my toe
and sneak away
leaving him with a shell of me... tricking him into thinking I was still there.
Other people don't feel like this.
And I worry
Because I feel like this with every guy.
People say "That just means the chemistry's not there. That's okay. With some guy, it will be there, and you won't feel like this."
But is that true?
Because I wonder...
Why was the chemistry there on the first date?
Why was I letting myself release my energy so that my energy was flowing towards him...
Why was I letting myself be present.
Why was I letting myself be safely impuslive - high fiving, smiling, laughing
Why was I letting myself bond on the first date?
Why did I want to hold his hand on the first date?
Why did I want to get closer to him... lean up next to him?
Why did I like kissing him on the first date? Why did it feel good?
And why...
then...
I can't get myself to loosen up.
I can't get myself to let myself be in the moment.
I can't get myself to just......... relax..... to just.... have fun.
Instead...
I become reserved.
I shrink.
I freeze.
I hate being with him.
I hate the feel of his hand.
I want him to go away.
I can't wait for the date to end.
I did that.
I purposely sabotaged the dates basically.
He has made it clear he wants to see me again.
I don't want to see him again... but should I anyway?
Right now...
I don't like him.
I am revolted by the idea of his presence.
Even though he's one of the kindest people I've ever met.
He's just.... so into me....
His assurance
His confidence
His willingness to wait.
His touch
His look
His hands
His lips.
All of it makes me want to back away.
And I worry.
Because I don't think it's the guy.
I think it's me.
And all I can think of is my parents wish for me.
My whole life, ever since I was a little little girl...
All they've said to me is: "Laura, all we want is for you to just.... chilll."
And I don't think I'll ever just chill.
I don't know how to chill.
And I tell my mom I dont' want to date anymore.
She says, "So, don't. That's volutnary. You don't have to date right now."
But if I do everything "voluntary" then I'll "voluntarily" stay in this same apartment until I'm 112 years old, doing nothing.
I think that it'd feel so much easier to just never date.
It'd be so much easier to never have a family.
It'd be so much easier to live alone forever.
But it's not what I want.
I worry that my life will not be "right"
I worry that I won't live in as happy of a way as I could.
I could decide to shut out all men.
I could decide to not aim for things.
I could decide to not keep making friends and to not nurture the relationships that I have.
I could decide to sit back on the sidelines of life and just help other people along their journey without ever taking a role in my own journey.
And I might be a bit sad about that.
Ok, I probably would be.
But it'd be easier.
and I wouldn't mind.
I really wouldn't.
But what I would mind.
Is that other people would want more for me.
And I would be letting them down.
I fear that all I do is worry my parents.
They want me to chill.
I call them very, shall we say, not chill.
I dont' think I'll ever chill.
They want me to be happy.
They think that means friends, a family, an enjoyable job.
I just can't imagine myself with long-term, reliable relationships.
And because of that.
I will keep worrying my parents.
And it makes me feel horrible to know that they probably sit at home wishing what's best for me....
And me knowing that I wont' ever have what's best for me.
Because I just can't chill.
And then I wonder.. how did I get here?
I think back to high school, to college, to childhood...
I was in Ohio and Japan.
I had friends.
I was involved.
I was....... involved.
And somehow...
I ended up in California.
Alone in an apartment.
Without anyone local who has me as their priority.
and that sounds soooooooooooo selfish and arrogant.....
but I think that's the truth.
I'm here....
And I am "matter-worthy-material"
But I don't really matter to anyone local.
People I know would say I matter...
But I don't really
B/c they call their boyfriend before they call me.
Or because they call their someone else before they call me.
I have this image that, post college.
My whole college got flung east coast
And I got flung west coast.
And, well, I'm being overly dramatic.
There are lots of good things about life.
Last night I went out with 4 friends (but they're new friends... I don't really know them all that well).
Tomorrow I'm meeting up with 2 people - separately.
I have an e-mail in my inbox from another new friend that says "wanna see a movie with me this week?"
I am having breakfast with another friend on Monday morning.
I have a voice mail from another girl saying "Hey Girl, I wanna go on a hike with you soon. Call me."
So, I'm working on it.
Relationships are developing.
Some more strongly than others.
That's how it should be.
So that's okay.
Okay, I'm calmer already as I write this.
What's annoying about this list of friends is that very, very few of these people know each other.
What's also annoying about this list of friends is that, although they are all local, they are still pretty geographically far.
I guess I'm not so weird after all.
I was feeling like I was just different from everybody else.
So different.
Incurably different.
Other people were allowed to seek after relationships.
But, to me, it was embarrassing to even admit I wanted any relationships.
So I just didn't seek them out.
Other people are allowed to seek after stable futures with enough money to not worry about bills.
But I wasn't allowed to admit that I cared about the quality of my future.
So I just stood by and shrugged.
I know what other people wanted in their life.
I'd talk about their goals.
I'd help them with their goals.
But it hasn't really occurred to me until recently that I can have my own goals too.
For so long, it didn't even occur to me that it was okay that I, too, had an opinion about my own life.
I have opinions.
Sometimes I know what they are.
And they matter.
For so long, it didn't even occur to me that I was allowed to admit to feelings (of pride, of happiness, of disappointment).
For so long, it didn't occur to me that I was allowed to admit to what I wanted or what I felt.
It was fine for other people to admit this... but me... no.
It wasn't so much as I felt like I was unallowed to admit these things so much as it didn't even occur to me.
I think I have to challenge these patterns though.
But I am not different from other humans.
There is no reason for me to believe I'm not allowed to have the life I want.
There's no reason that I shouldn't be allowed to create goals for myself.
So, this is how i feel right now:
JOB:
I like my job for it's lack of stress and its awesomeness of coworkers.
But, ultimately, I feel like I am not being best used.
Ultimately, I want a job where I am able to give my talents more.
Also, the job does not at all pay enough.
Ultimately, I want a job that pays more.
But, for now, for its low stress and its good coworkers, the job is good.
I can start looking for other jobs whenever I want.
But there is no rush, since I'm currently employed.
LIVING SITUATION:
I acknowledge the good parts of being able to live alone.
I used to love being able to control what was in the cabinets, but I don't care so much about that anymore.
I do appreciate that I can walk naked from the bedroom to the dryer and it doesn't matter.
But i do feel separated from the world a lot.
I do prefer to live with people.
Next year, I'd like to live with (a) friend(s).
Even if it means I'm farther from my work.
So, I admit it, I'd rather live with (a) roommate(s).
FRIENDS:
I'm starting to make friends in the area.
I feel kind of dumb that I have to work on making friends in the area.
But, the more I talk to people, the more I realize that I'm not alone in this feeling of needing friends.
I am doing a much better job this year at developing relationships that I did in the previous two years.
So I give myself credit for that.
Yes, there is room for growth in this area.
I could become more deeply connected with some people.
My friends could know each other.
Do grow more in this area, I could initiate more things that purposely connect my friends to each other.
I can also just continue to schedule things to do with friends.
But I can also continue to become close with friends without having to see them.
I can call them. Text them. FB them.
ZOLOFT:
I forget why I take it.
Right now, I feel like the only reason I take it is to avoid withdraw symptoms.
Therefore I feel resentful towards it.
Trapped.
Stuck.
Forced to take it.
But I'm also not sure if I want to go off of it.


AND, because I feel like it, I'm going to make a gratitude list. Things I currently am so grateful for (in no particular order)
Milk Frother
My apartment isn't cold.
I don't binge anymore.
I rarely count calories anymore.
I eat chocolate pretty much every day - just a little bit
The fact that I've actually gotten to the point where I know how to eat a little bit of things.
I can't think of any fear foods I have (I ate pasta for dinner tonight). (There are some things I fear eating in the same day...)
My mom and dad are still married
I get along with them so well
I tell them 99% of everything. (the 1% is when I'm struggling with food. I hint at it, but I don't flat out say it).
My brother and sister get along, and I get along with them.
The secret hand squeeze that my sister and I have.
I graduated from college without loans.
I graduated from college period.
I speak Spanish very well.
I have gotten to travel outside of the US.
I am comfortable with public speaking.
I am much more comfortable with my body now than I have been in.... since 10th grade.
I am not too skinny nor too fat AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO SKINNY.
I no longer have a rule about no eating at night.
I no longer sleep eat.
I have symbolic dreams.
80% of the time, I like my hair.
I own jeans and am not afraid to wear them for the first time in 3 years.
A handful of my students still contact me.
My daily life is not stressful.
I do not feel like a failure at my job in the same way I used to.
The interactions that I have with the baristas at starbucks.
Jane, her compassion, her therapeutic skills.
Blogging
Johanna's blog
Tracy, she got me to get rid of my food rules! Holy cow that's huge! It's like it happened without me even noticing!
It's almost always a nice day where I live.
I like exercising.
When my body is healthy, it can run far.
I have access to a treadmill and to good running roads.
I have an ipod.
My parents show me nothing but support and guidance.
Nicole
A washer and dryer in my apartment.
My understanding, encouraging, appreciative boss.
I get to see kids every day.
I get to talk to parents about their kids every day.
I get to see 4 year olds every day (this might be one of my favorite ages).
The fact that I got to see my gramma before she died. (I called her today just to see what would happen. "The number you have reached has been disconnected....")
The fact that my other gramma and I communicate several times a week.
I have access to information - books, articles, internet.
People are generally really nice to me.
I know I can always fall back on my parents. I can always go home.
My sheets are torquoise.
My bed is colorful.
I find humor in many situations that others don't.
I laugh a lot.
I have a natural taste for healthy food.
I am understanding, non judgemental, and a good listener.
I like to learn.

ok, enough for now.

I feel so much better.

And now, I'd like a small handful of trail mix, a TV show, and bed.

Sounds like a plan.

ps: jane wrote an article titled "Why Getting Better Feels Bad" and it talks about the 5 stages of recovery. Stage 5 is "Dating Therapy." Maybe Jane'll be useful here....