Relationship + Reaction to Eating

My boss is officially my friend. I keep writing "boss/friend" on here because I can't quite figure out what to call her. Yes, she is my boss. That said, we talk on the off hours about non-work related things. We go out to meals together. We talk about how we are friends. Tonight she said, "Sorry, am I shoving my friendship onto you?" So... I guess I'll keep calling her my "boss/friend," but it feels weird to call her "boss" because she just seems like another coworker who happens to have a bit more responsibility than me.

Even though she is my boss, I can see into her, and I just want to hug her and tell her she does a good job. I want to be her boss just so that I can make sure she's getting enough praise from the top-down. Her boss is less "praise happy" than she is with me. I can tell my boss doesn't see how great she is. I can tell she worries about her performance. I can tell she feels like she doesn't feel confident in her ability to meet expectations. And I guess I just identify with those feelings, so I feel bad for her. I want to protect her and help her.

Funny thing... today my boss told me, "Ever since working here, my eating has gotten so bad. I just eat bagel sandwiches all the time for lunch now." I said, "Funny, ever since working here, my eating has gotten so much better because I'm eating bagel sandwiches all the time for lunch now." Haha, that was funny. (Except for the fact that that's kinda a lie because my eating has gotten worse in the last couple of weeks).

Tonight, my boss and I went out to dinner afterwards. I had eaten SO NORMALLY prior to dinner that I wasn't even considering eating dinner. But she wanted to go..... I wanted to say yes. I decided to go and just stubbornly not eat. I don't care if she thinks I'm a freak, I thought. But then, I thought back to my check in voice mail to Jane last night. I said, "I ate with you, but I hardly ate dinner. I need to take more responsibility for myself. I'll be responsible with my eating tomorrow." And I knew I had to be responsible and eat dinner. I'm glad I did because that pushed me over into a more normal mindset. It did reset my norm (for the better) around eating.

Speaking of eating today, my eating today was... NOT the picture of health.... I definitely ate more calories than my body needs.... but, the way I ate, was socially normal today. And I don't feel guilty. I didn't binge. I was very hungry. I didn't sneak food and eat in secret. I ate, with others, in socially acceptable ways. I ate breakfast when I woke up because I was hungry and it's normal to eat breakfast. I was really hungry all morning long, and I was at a meeting. There were pastries and baked goods there. I don't know if everyone was eating one, but plenty of people were. I was really hungry. I decided to have a muffin. Then, later in the afternoon, I found myself starving again. I had an ED thought about drinking tea instead of eating, but I remembered that I wanted to be responsible... and so I ate a PB sandwich AND a handful of trail mix. Then I was convinced I wouldn't eat dinner, but my boss wanted to go out. So, I ordered a light salad - just a house salad (greens with edamame and garbanzo beans). At the end of the meal, my boss/friend and I ordered ice cream brownie to split, and we both partook.

I can say that this is how I feel about my eating today:

• I agree it wasn't the "picture of health."
• I ate in very socially acceptable ways, that makes it normal.
• I didn't count calories, but if I did, it'd have been high.
• Even so, it looks not all that strange.
• I don't actually feel that guilty (YAY!!!!!)
• I actually feel kinda normal.
• I might want to be a little cautious tomorrow, but, mostly, I'm just in a really good frame of mind about it. Mostly I know a day like today is okay.
• At least I didn't binge.
• At least this didn't make me hate myself.
• While it's not the picture of health, it's not that absurd either.
• Everyone has days where they don't eat perfectly healthfully. And I don't eat like this every day.
• I was hungry today, so I ate more. That makes sense.
• I had just come from two days of very limited eating, which means it makes sense I was hungry. Heck, sometimes you're even hungry no matter how you ate the day before.
• If somebody else ate how I ate today, I wouldn't be thinking "woah, they better watch it!" I wouldn't be thinking it was a big deal at all.
• Basically, yes, I think I ate a lot today, but it's not getting in the way of my mood (besides maybe lifting it by giving me more energy. It was the first day in a couple of weeks where I felt like I had enough energy to exercise). It is not ruining my day. I'm still able to enjoy myself.
• I know I didn't get fat in one day.
• I think this is a pretty normal reaction.

Hope everyone has a great day!