quick scary notes from tracy's appointment

I feel ashamed to write this... really stupid.... but for documentation purposes. Tracy scared me into taking this seriously. She talked about needing more support, and no way jose!

Bit of background - I didn't exactly get back on track yesterday... :( sorry....

These are scary quotes from Tracy:

"The ED comes in waves, and this is a pretty strong wave."

"The eating disorder is there, and it's big."

I told her the story about the year my ED started, and I suddenly realized the relevance of this information. It suddenly makes so much sense that I would get an ED then. Then we talked about the other year in my life when I had the ED. Both instances were after I moved, and things occurred that would make sense for someone to go out and "get" and ED.... Jane knows none of this because I never thought it mattered. I'll give more detail later (I have to go now)

Tracy says "it's time to get serious about a plan." Her plan: 1) call nicole: tell her i'm struggling, tell her i need to call her and commit to eating a 3 meals with her over the course of the next week; 2) Call another friend (Jenny) and tell her I need to commit to eating 3 meals with her over the course of the next week. 3) If eating the meals with these friends doesn't work, I need to go home. Yeah, I will do anything to not have to tell my parents and go home. That will NOT happen!

"If you were an ED group or IP or anything where you were forced to eat meals, you'd be back on track."

"This is really bad. and it can get worse."

"It's good you're aware of how bad this is getting. It's good that you're wanting to get pulled out of it. It's good that you're aware you have an eating disorder. You are just so stuck right now, that you really, really have to use your support."

We also talked about newfound awareness of the ED I have. I said, "I mean, if I were my own nutritionist/therapist/doctor, I would realize that I haven’t really “cleared my mind” from the ED for long enough and that’s why it was easy to fall back into this. It’s strange. I’m in this place where I’m suck in the eating disorder but also aware of myself, my triggers, my brain, etc. Like, I’m aware that the reason I want to keep eating lightly is because I’m stuck in the ED. And I know I’m stuck in it because I’ve not been nutritionally stable. And I know the very best thing for me right now is to eat enough and eat regularly, but I don't want to eat enough precisely because I haven't eaten enough. It's all like one big catch 22. And yet, I know I’m a tad resistant of that – simply because I’m stuck in the ED." Tracy agreed whole heartedly.

OKAY! OFF TO WORK!