Spilling Secrets Keeps me Safe (i.e, Nicole)

*The day started with Jane calling me (unplanned), to "encourage" me to "give my body calories." She also called to say that this phase of recovery is so hard because people are so aware of the ED and so ashamed by it. She went on to describe what it feels like to be finally accepting you actually have an ED that is real and also try to accept yourself. She's dead on when she says you're more aware of it, more embarssed about it, feel like there's something wrong with you. She likened it to a kid finding out they're dyslexic. IT was nice to talk to her. It did make me feel less stupid. She told me that, during this phase of recovery, people need a lot of support. So she wanted to give that to me. She told me I can call her as much as I want. She also told me she thinks it's a good sign that I'm feeling embarrassed and ashamed becasue it means I'm not in denial. And getting out of denial is mandatory for recovery.

You may remember that Tracy gave me a goal to tell Nicole I was struggling with food and eating and commit to eating 3 meals this week with her. You may also remember that, although I saw Nicole on Thursday, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. For those of you who do not know, Nicole is my very, very good friend and former roommate. I didn't want to tell her because this eating disorder has put Nicole through a lot. She's cried over it. She's yelled at me over it. She's begged me to eat. She went to my first appointment with Jane with me. Last I talked to Nicole about the ED, I was doing better. I didn't want to tell her I was struggling because I didn't want to disappoint her. I didn't want to let her down. I didn't want her to be hurt.

Well, tonight, Nicole and I had dinner plans, which morphed into a night in The City (San Francisco). Obviously, it was an opportunity to tell her. And tell her I did. And it was a very, very, very good choice.

I was feeling VERY scared and stuck in the ED. I think something that scared me so much was that I wasn't sure I would be able to get out. I was being secretive about the lack of eating and, because I was keeping it all inside, I only had myself to rely on to get out... and it wasn't working..... so I was scared that the ED would just suck me down. But, after being open with my boss/friend (C) and after talking with Nicole tonight, I don't feel so scared anymore. I feel like I will be safe - safe from myself. Of course part of me wishes no one knew so that the ED could still thrive... but another part of me is glad that "the cat is out of the bag." I don't know how I'll get over this regression, but I know for sure that I will now. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know how easy it'll be. But I know for sure I'll be safe. Because people in my daily life know. And, just that knowledge, takes away so much of my fear. I feel like I just breathed a big sigh of relief.

So, Nicole and I were at Cafe Gratitude. I order this Grain Bowl called I AM WHOLE. It has quinoa, kale, "sea vegetables," sprouts, and sesame-tahini sauce. It arrives my eyes zoom in on the sauce, which is smothering a lot of the ingredients. I eat it by picking some of the vegetables out. When the vegetables are basically gone, I'm still hungry (I had only eaten a cliff bar all day prior), but I don't even consider it an option for me to eat the quinoa with sauce. My mind isn't even considering doing that. So I put my fork down and continue my chat with Nicole.

That's when Nicole looks at me, looks at my food, tilts her head, and stares. She doesn't have to say anything in order for me to know what she's thinking. I say, "I know....."

Nicole: Are you eating? For a while, I thought you were doing well. But lately you'er worrying me.

(Our subject has switched to eating disorders without us even having to clarify that that that is what we're talking about)

Me: I'm.... kind of eating... not enough.... No, I'm not doing that great with food now. Even C confronted me yesterday.

N: What did she say?

(I explain)

N: I never know if I'm supposed to tell you you're losing weight because I don't know if you'll take it as a compliment and it'll fuel your eating disorder or if you'll take it as an insult or what?

Me: I don't take it as either. Usually it's more of a shock to me.

N: Well.... Your head is just starting to look a little too big on your body.

ME: WHAT?!

N: Yeah and your face is.... your cheeks...

L: Yeah that's what my boss said too...

N: For a while, I told myself "Maybe I'm being overly concerned because I'm on the hyper lookout for her... but..."

Me: I'm sorry.

N: You are not allowed to apologize. One of the best things about our friendship is that there is no judgement in it. And if you apologize, that'd just change that whole dynamic.

Me: I just feel stupid. I should be over this. I feel really embarassed.

N: No one expects you to be better by now. It's a long process.

Me: I just didn't want to tell you. Tracy gave me a goal to tell you, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I didn't want to make you mad or disappointed.

N: I'm kind of mad you took this long to finally come clean.

I go on to explain to Nicole. I talk about how I think it happened (dating + stopping running + starting sedentary job + getting sick and being nauseous + losing a bit of weight from that illness, causing my knees to stop touching). I told her how I am not really in denial. I'm in shock that this is happening. I'm in shock that I actually have an eating disorder. For the first time, I am fully accepting that I have an eating disorder in the same way other people do... mine isn't some "silly phase that I am choosing to flirt with." It's an actual eaitng disorder. I tell her about how I am losing hope. I tell her how I don't want to live like this forever, but I'm scared. I'm scared to gain weight if I start eating. I'm scared I'll overeat if I start letting myself eat more normally. I tell her I'm scared because I know I can't do it on my own... I feel like I'm having an outer body experience, watching myself get less and less healthy and I feel like I can't stop myself and it scares me.

Nicole makes me feel so safe. She tells me that

1) She's glad I told her and I've already taken the first step to getting out of this.

2) If I return to eating normally, my knees probably will touch and my cheeks probably will fill out a bit more, but that's normal because adult women have knees that touch. Nicole, a thin person, proceeds to tell me that her entire legs touch.

3) I won't get fat if I eat normally because there is no such thing as a fat person who eats in a way that is in tune with their hunger and fullness. She reminded me that, just a few months ago, I was a "thin person" (her words; not mine) who was eating three meals a day. So, my body has already shown me that I can eat three meals and not get fat.

4) I don't need to worry about ending up overeating all the time because it won't happen. She reminds me that I have Jane and Tracy every week to help me so that my eating doesn't become too chaotic.

5) She's not mad or disappointed or annoyed.

6) Of course it's scary. I shouldn't feel guilty or like a loser or embarassed.

While we talk, Nicole's eyes fill with tears, her face looks pained. I feel so bad.

I tell her that I do want out of this, but I'm scared... because I want to just stay my current size now - or a tiny bit smaller. I say, "Can't I just stay this size. I'm a normal weight." (I am. I'm not making that up at all. I don't have a scale, but I fit into clothes from about a little over two years ago, and at that time, I was a normal weight).

Nicole stops me and says, "You haven't used the Can't I just argument on me in a looooong time." she means the idea of "Can't i just keep the restricting but ditch the bingeing." Or, "Can't I just only eat what's on the meal plan and never anything else?" Or "Can't I just always measure my food?" She reminded me that you can't "just" keep any part of the eating disorder.

Nicole says she has questions. They are: 1) Do I need to call your parents? Do I need to call them and tell them you're scared and need to be pushed? 2) Why do you think you've lost hope? and 3) Do you think you should be dating right now?

My answers: 1) No, you do not need to call my parents. If it were to get to that, Jane would do it. 2) I think I lost hope because, for the first time, I'm aware that I actually have an eating disorder. Also, I'm really stuck and I haven't felt this stuck since BEFORE ever talking to Tracy or Jane and it makes me worried that there's no end to recovery - it's just this constnat back and forth. Also, I lost hope because I was keeping this regression a secret, hiding it from people, and I knew I was getting too stuck to be able to help myself... so that made me lose hope. 3) Yes, I think dating is still fine.

I told her that Tracy already told me that if I don't pull it together, she'll recommend I go home. I told Nicole that at first that freaked me out, but then I realized Tracy couldn't make me go home so now I don't care. Nicole said, "But I can. If I called your parents and told them you needed to go home, they'd be forcing you home.' I said, "True." She flexed her muscles and said, "Am I powerful or what?!"

She said, "Are you sure I shouldn't call your parents? Should we set a date? Like, if you dont' pull out of this in a month I'm calling?" I told her no.

Somehow, just talking to Nicole just made me feel so.... safe. Like, I know it'll be okay. I don't know how or when, but it will be okay. I don't feel so scared. And I popped back into myself when I felt safe. Even Nicole said, "You seem like yourself again all of the sudden. You've stopped looking down." I was like "What do you mean I've stopped looking down?" She said, "When you get stuck in the ED, you look down a lot." (Oh.) Anyway, I told her, "Yeah.. well... I just feel like I know it'll be okay now, so I'm not scared." And, with that, we left CAfe Gratitude, walked through the city, got Martinis and brownies (okay I only took a few sips and a few bites, but still), and drove home... talking about other topics. We had a blast!!!!!! Nicole said, "I think this is a perfect night." I agreed.

when we were leaving the brownie/martini place, I was worrying a bit about food. I said, "I'm full." Nicole said, "It'll be okay. EVERYBODY gets full 3 TIMES A DAY... EVERY DAY. EVERYBODY. 3 TIMES. EVERY DAY. EVERYBODY. 3 TIMES. EVERY DAY."

When we got back to my apartment, Nicole said, "Okay so... see you tomorrow morning... and... dinner on Monday night... and Thursday night... and then you have to pick one other night.... because Tracy said 3 nights. This is great for me! I just get to see you even more often. And you will have lunch with C every day. And, I'm calling you at every meal ... muahahaha... you are going to hate me... he he.....But I don't care.... muahahaha.... I'm evil...."

I said, "Thank you. I love you."

She said, "I love you more. Bye, Lover."

And we parted ways.

Well, after all that hype... she's not mad.... and I feel calmer and safer. Fewf.

Funny moment: I kept spilling food on myself while eating, and Nicole goes, "You're out of practice." HAHA. We both started cracking up.

Funny moment 2: I was pumping gas. Nicole was sitting shot gun. Without even thinking, I did a body check on my legs/knees/thighs. And Nicole happened to see it. She sticks her head out the window and goes, "DUUUUUUUDE, DID YOU JUST DO WHAT I THINK YOU DID?!" I was like "Oh my gosh! Sorry! I didn't mean to!" She goes, "WTF, dude! No looking down. Just look straight ahead." LOL. Then we both cracked up.

Funny moment 3: We were walking down the sidewalk, next to Macy's, Barney's, and Louis Vitton, and this happens...

Nicole: I feel like we're in New York

(Silence, as I didn't hear her)

Me: I feel like we're in New York

Nicole: I just said that!

Me: No you didn't..... you did?

*We did talk about other things besides eating disorders... we talked about her boy friend, her coworker, grad schools, dating, colonoscopies, how cool the city is, our waiter, etc., etc., etc.*