Therapy Notes

Ah, Jane, the amazing Jane.

Can I just say I am so glad I have her to help me navigate through this "HOW THE HELL DO I DATE" phase of my life?! (Amongst other things - um, like an eating disorder - minor detail....) Knowing that I have her as my guide makes me feel so safe, so comfortable, and so much less worried about life. It's like, I know I'll be okay... I'll know I'll be able to handle myself and my life... I know that eventually I'll feel comfortable in my own skin... I know that eventually I'll be directing my own life... BECAUSE I HAVE JANE. I know I am okay. I know I'll be okay. Because of Jane. I feel safe taking risks because I have jane.

There were so many good things from this session. Let me divide them into categories:

BREAKING THE EATING DISORDER - BEHAVIORALLY

She had already spoken with Tracy, so she knows my food intake has been pretty low. She asked me about it, and I told her that "My norm just gets reset really easily."

What happened is this: I got sick (nausea, dizziness), which caused me to eat only one thing one day. And that just reset my norm. Suddenly, I was eating one thing a day regularly. There was a day or two where I ate 3 things a day, but I wasn't maintaing it. Basically, I accidentally ate less one day (because of being sick), and that made me want to keep eating less. Jane said that this was the physiological aspect of the eating disorder - the effect of eating less on my brain.

Jane said, "Remember when we talked about how you were hovering?" She held her hand up out in front of her face, to show the line at which I was "hovering" back when I was doing better with food. "Hovering" at "just healthy enough." Then, she dropped her hand down to about the height of her bellybutton and said, "Now you're hovering here."

Jane said that, over the course of the past few weeks, the level at which I've been hovering has been getting progressively lower, so we need to, behaviorally, break the eating disorder. How? EAT.

I had brought a luna bar with me to eat, so I ate that. As soon as I finished it, she told me to get up, walk across the street and buy a peanut butter sandwich and a yogurt AND a drink with calories. I WAS LIKE "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Jane said, "You don't look as healthy as you did even just a month ago. You need calories for your organs. You need fuel for your brain so we can have a good session. You have some making up to do."

Sometimes, I think Jane just says this stuff. I do not look unhealthy. I promise. I think I am losing a bit of weight (just based on pants), but it is not that much, it's not noticeable, and I do not look unhealthy.

Anyway, I didn't put up a fight. I walked over to the store, ordered a PB sandwich, and bought a yogurt, and got a caloric drink (Honest Honey Green Tea). Jane told me I could eat them in any order I wanted, but I had to eat it all. I've actually never cried before eating food (oh, I've cried AFTER eating food plenty of times), but I almost actually cried having to eat all of this. When I spoke, Jane blatantly told me that she thought I was trying to delay eating. She kindly says, "I really want to dialogue about this topic too. I want so badly to get into a discussion about this. But I don't want to derail us from the priority, and I do think this is just a delay tactic."

When I wasn't finishing half of the sandwich fast enough, she gave me a 15 min timeline, and she orchestrated me taking caloric sips in between bites. Besides latte and a glass of wine here and there, I have not had a drink with calories for 8 years until today. She said I only had to eat half the sandwich. After the sandwich, we went onto the yogurt. I REALLY did not see why I had to do this. Her answer: "Besides the fact that you need calories, it's because you've had a one food item a day rule that's been winning, and we need to break that." When I finished the yogurt, she actually got up and looked into the tub of yogurt to make sure I ate it all; then she looked at my luna bar wrapper to make sure all of it was gone; and, finally, she grabbed the left over half of the sandwich, wrapped it back up for me, tapped in, reached into her drawer, grabbed a sharpie, and wrote: "Dear Laura, Thank you. Love, your organs, your mood, and your concentration."

I'm making Jane sound rather militant, but that's just because I'm not painting a good picture of her compassion. She never sounds like she's ordering me around. This whole experience comes off as being fueled completely by her compassion and her eating disorder knowledge.

Also, this whole scenario took about 1 hr 15 min. So it wasn't just this quick thing.

Afterwards, she wanted to do all these calming exercises (she calls it "post meal support") because she was worried about guilt.

I guess I am thankful for her doing this?

At one point into the conversation she and I were having, I was having a little internal freak out about calories, and I had to stop, tell her about it, and try to justify what I just did (eat).

Thing is, my body tells me it wasn't too much because I actually didn't even feel all that full afterwards. I kind of felt... nothing in me... still. Not hunger, but I didn't feel stuffed. Thank goodness.

Lots of times, I don't really feel like I have an ED. I don't really feel like I have issues with food. But then there are moments such as feeling like you're going to spaz when your therapist makes you eat... such as going out to dinner with friends on Friday night and literally not putting a bite of food in your mouth and even though people are commenting you continue to not eat (this happened on Friday).... such as going to a meeting and seeing that EVERYONE takes a piece of coffee cake but you don't even consider doing so.... I told this to Jane. She said that it's just because I'm used to having food issues, but that I do def. have some.

Anyway, I did end up eating a dinner. It was a very weird dinner... not really a "real" dinner... and that makes me anxious, but I need to just move on.

BODY - OBJECTIVE OBSERVATIONS

Jane and I talk about how we get information from different senses. My body image is created by a combination of input from: reflection (mirror), sight (looking down and seeing myself), external feel (my hand on my body), clothing feel, internal feel (general sense that you are expanding). I told Jane how I've been using all this data to try to figure out what I look like, and I get different information from different places. Sometimes, I feel too big, but I look in the mirror and I see myself as smaller than I'd expect based off what I feel. Sometimes I look down and see very large thighs, but then I grab them with my hands, and I feel smaller legs than I see. (All of these situations could be visa versa). The great thing, though, is that, lately, I'm more just noticing this data. I'm not judging myself for it. I'm really just being an observer. Jane said that's huge progress, to be able to objectively notice how I'm experiencing my body without judgement. She said that it will all integrate and, eventually, I'll understand my own body.

TOUCHING YOURSELF

Jane says I should get to know my own body before I let someone else get to know it. Makes total sense. She wants me to continue to feel myself - not necessarily masturbate, but just... run your hand up and down your forearm, grab your ears, give yourself a shoulder massage, let your hand brush by your stomach. So, I will continue to work on this. I had a good moment in a dressing room recently. My hand accidentally touched my stomach. My immediate reaction was "EW!" and I yanked away my hand. But then I thought I should try not to judge, so I brought my hand back to my stomach, and just let myself feel my stomach.... coming to terms with its shape, its boundaries, its liveliness.

DATING - AM I READY?

Jane held out her hand, parallel to the wall, extended slightly past her shoulder, and said, "If comfortable dating is here, you are here," and she extended her other arm, parallel with the wall, slightly extended past her other shoulder.

She said that, given where I am in my "work on myself" (therapist speak), it is unlikely that I will develop a long-term relationship right now. However, Jane did say that the way I am in relationships with men now will be so different from how I will be in relationships with men a year from now. I can fathom that change happening...

Jane wants me to keep dating and also keep developing all my friendships. Letting people in, being vulnerable, being intimate, letting people show affection, being okay with people thinking I'm great... I need practice in all of these things. So, I need to keep dating, I need to keep spending time with people, meeting people... because even if I may not be "perfectly ready," you never know what will happen and... I need practice.

DATING - SUAVECITO

I read her my "post date freak out" post, and asked her what I should do about Suavecito. She says he seems like a very nice, patient guy. She says that what I do about him depends on my motives. If I want an excuse to exit the dating world for good, then no, I should not cut off ties with him. If I am simply not enjoying being around him, then it's fine to cut off ties.

This was funny - Jane said, "I have patients who find very patient men... but... even with the most patient of men... my patient is still just not quite ready to be intimate, to get close. Ha, these poor patient men, they have no idea what they're dealing with." We both laughed at that one.

Jane said he's been good practice for me. I've been out there and about, in the world. I've kissed without stressing several times now. I've held hands and cuddled without freaking. I've eaten things I wouldn't have (although on our last date I just flat out didn't eat and it was awkward...)

Maybe I can say to him, "I'd like to still know you, but I'm not ready to keep dating you right now. So if you're okay with being friends, then we can keep hanging out." (Something like that).

Suavecito did call tonight. I didn't answer the phone. Mostly because I can't decide what I should say to him... I'll have to call him back tomorrow though.

DATING - MY PATTERN

When I am with a guy, I get along with them well. I do the "Friends Thing" excellently. I can do banter. I can do fun. I can do jokes. But... the second the guy shows me that they are definitely intersted in me, I get scared, my defense mechanisms go up, and I start really really hating everything about the guy... like even the thought of them... the idea of them.. makes me disgusted. SEriously. THis is so unfair to the guy; but this is what I do.

Jane said that, next session, we were going to map out this... so we can really see what happens from First Meeting to I Hate The Guy.

THAT WILL BE SO HELPFUL.

PROGRESS I'M MAKING - KNOWING MYSELF

Jane says that I am making progress because I'm realizing that control is important to me. I'm realizing that I need to feel a sense of control. Instead of freaking out about the fact that "I have no control when I date." Instead of dealing with the anxiety of being "out of control" by controlling food or by pushing people away... I'm realizing I can simply take some control. I can ask for some control. I can express myself. That's why setting boundaries for the date was SO helpful. I'm learning what my patterns are. I'm learning about my comfort level.

THERE IS HOPE

Today, Jane told me, "I just know you are going to reach your goal. You are so committed. You will learn how to let people in. You so badly want to be able to and you're ready to do the work."

Jane talked about how this work will help eating fall into place too. (Maybe part of the reason eating has been suffering is because of the new dating stuff?). Jane told me she was 100% certain I will reach a really full recovery. Jane thinks I will reach my goals. She thinks I am so ready to do so.

She thinks I will end up in a relationship at some point, when i'm ready. And I trust her to lead me through this process of being able to let people like me.

That felt really good to hear. She's right. I am committed.