3 guys, work, rebound eating, Jane's sensual Homework

GRASS GUY

Well, Grass Guy (from the date yesterday) called tonight, but I missed his call because my phone was on silent. I actually felt really excited to see that he had called though! That's a good sign. He was calling about weekend plans. I am looking forward to another (3rd) date with him.

I originally called him Grass Frolicker because, on Match.com, he had a picture of himself skipping in the grass. (Then Suzie called him Grass Guy in a comment, and I thought that sounded better).

Honestly, I think his Match.com profile is not appealing. His pictures are weird and so is his pofile. He had originally e-mailed me and the only reason I agreed to meet him was because "why not... might as well just have coffee.... you never know." So, I had coffee (about a month ago) with him, and he was much more appealing in real life. I didn't pursue it because I didn't feel like putting in the effort, but I did find myself thinking about him every once in a while.

Last night I saw him again and that confirmed he's much better in real life than on Match. He's not "Grass Frolicky" at all. By that, I mean, he's not a weirdo super artsy dude. (I can say that because I was ran in the artsy circles in school).

I take it as a good sign that I'm actually looking forward to seeing him again (and not at all scared). In fact, I'm kind of excited. I kind of have that flippety feeling in my stomach, and I actually am enjoying that feeling.

That said, I'm starting to learn about myself and my pattern. Anyone else noticing a pattern here? I meet a guy. I post a "oh they're great" post. Next post is about how I hate them. Lol. Poor guys. They can't win.

So, with the awareness of that pattern, I'm trying not to get super excited about Grass Guy. (I need to rename him). I'm trying to not dive into this again.. last time I dove into dating I became a nutritional psycho. So I'm trying to ease in and just let the fun last.

SUAVECITO

I am treating him poorly. He called on Sunday and again on Monday. I still haven't called him back. I need to call him back and tell him I'm not interested, but my stomach turns inside out at the thought of having to call him.

But he deserves better treatment. He deserves a girl who is not scared of him. He deserves a girl who is going to treat him the way he treats her. And I can't do that right now. He is SUCH genuine, nice guy... he really deserves royal treatment. And I just can't give that right now.

KICKBALL GUY

Match.com matched me with this guy who I thought I recognized. Then, I got a message from that guy on Match tonight, and I realized I had met him before! We don't know each other well, but we've met a couple of times.

Does anybody remember back in the summer when I joined the Kick Ball team? Well, one night, my kickball team went to a bar, and, at the bar, I met him! I actually remember liking him. We talked for quite a while. The next week, he joined our team. I played one game with him, and then I dropped out. Remember how this summer I was struggling with eating? (Remember that ONE time I struggled with eating? lol!) No, but remember? Well, I just simply wasn't eating enough to have enough energy to play kickball... and so I had to quit the team. I couldn't even fathom having to run to a base... I was just totally out of energy. So, since I quit, I stopped seeing him.

Tonight he messaged me, and I recognized him! I sent him a creepy e-mail back saying, "I think I know you! Isn't your name Ryan and didn't we play kickball together for 1 game this summer?" And he wrote back "Yeah! I didn't know if you'd remember! We met that night at the bar when we were playing beer pong." Yup, we both remember.

We just sent a couple of messages. We have no plans to meet up, but what a strange coincidence.

WORK

I did a really bad job at my job last week. I made errors that I'm not allowed ot make. I didn't work very hard. People noticed. And I know that it's because I was spending the whole time light headed, thinking about not eating. This is not okay. I am determined to go to work tomorrow, ready to think again.

EATING

Today I was ready to eat more normally. I ate a normal (actually normal) breakfast and lunch, but then grazed and overate at dinner. I'm not calling it bingeing because I didn't have that out of control feeling.

My reaction is as follows:

1) I should not eat tomorrow to make up for tonight.

2) But then I know what happens... I get caught in an undereat/overeat cycle.

3) The best thing to do is just eat normally tomorrow.

4) Honestly, I don't even feel that guilty about tonight.

5) But I feel like I should not eat enough tomorrow.

6) I fucking hate eating disorders. I don't want this to be a part of me anymore. There are people in this world who casually eat. It doesn't color their mood. It doesn't stay in the forefront of their mind. IT is just such a minor thing - it provides fuel and enjoyment and that's all... and I hate how I have to "decide" how to eat. I shouldn't have to "decide" I should just always eat 3 meals plus snacks. I should just always know it's okay to eat if I'm hungry.

7) I really really really really really hate eating disorders.

Why did I graze/overeat at dinner time? (It was actually a lot. Several pieces of chocolate, several cookies, several handfuls of goldfish, a few spoonfuls of black beans). Here are my thoughts:

1) I was just coming from about a few weeks of pretty restrictive eating. Since this was my first day in that time that I had felt "allowed" to eat, my body and mind are making up for the restriction. It's a natural thing to happen... to go overboard when you're getting back to feeling allowed to eat.

2) I ate after I gave a big presentation to a huge roomful of people. Maybe this was a way of decompressing.

3) I have been receiving comments lately on my eating, and I HATE comments. They make me feel worried that people will think I have a problem. My coworkers commented again on my eating today. Before lunch, my boss just turned to me and said, "Seriously, Laura. I can't let this go on. When are you going to eat lunch today?" So I said, "In 6 minutes." She said good. I ate lunch. I ate a bagel with PB for lunch. After that she then said, "Does this mean that because you ate lunch you're not going to eat dinner... because I'm serious... Am I going to have to move in with you?" This was just... very blunt and I thought "Oh crap. I really don't want people to be worried." People haven't said things like that to me since college. so, tonight, I was around my boss when I ate all that stuff. I think part of me was showing her that I was eating in order to ward away worry.

4) I have made some big mistakes at work last week, and I know that the only reason I made them was because I was so hungry, so not present, and so all consumed with food thoughts. I can't let this get in the way of my job.

So, I'm understanding with myself. I know why I over ate today.

Sure there are parts of me still wanting to go back to heavy restriction. I think "Oh, but I have to make sure I've restricted for when I see Grass Guy this weekend." I think "Oh, but I have to make sure these pants stay lose." But, really, I know what I have to do... and I just don't have the motivation or the determination to stay eating disordered right now. I feel like just "giving in" to recovery. There is a part of me that's fighting the desire to "give in," but I know that that part of me won't win.

But I know that if I dig my fingers in to my fists, become vigilant, stay determined to keep the restriction... then that'll work for a while... it'll work until it doesn't work and until I want out or I start bingeing.... and then.... then I'll have to et out - AGAIN... and I don't want to have to re-do all the work I've down to get to the place I am now. so, might as well avoid a trip back down the hell hole and just stay above ground in the first place. you know what I mean? Because I don't want to do this work (that I've already done) again. THAT would be hell.

So tomorrow, it's back to being healthy... eating 3 meals... not doing anything to prove to anybody else...

Tomorrow, I will eat as if today didn't exist. I will eat 3 normal meals. I will not make my food choices based off of "compensating" for today. I will move on because, always, that's what the best thing to do is anyway.

I freaking HATE eating disorders. like, I really hate them right now... so, in order to get to a point where I am consistently living with out one, I have to push through on days like tomorrow and eat 3 meals.

Tracy will be so happy when she sees I was able to overeat one night and then not compensate the next day.

So, I'll start eating more in a balanced way.

A way that allows me to exercise if I want to - and doesn't drain me of energy.

A way that wards off concerned comments.

Jane's Sensual Homework

Jane gave me specific homework to do each night. Yesterday, she wanted me to touch my forearms with an eye towards good feelings for 5 minutes. Tonight she wants me to do my upper arms. So far, I haven't done any of this homework because I keep forgetting. Maybe I'll try tonight.