I have not yet gone to bed yet.
B/c I have stayed up talking with my friend since 11:30pm.
I guess it's good to have nights like those though.
The guy I was talking with tonight is my friend.
And he asked me out.
This is the third time.
I already said no twice.
Tonight when he asked again... I literally said... "ARE YOU SERIOUS!? ARE YOU REALLY ASKING AGAIN! Oh Em Geee... um.... But you know me.. you already know me. We knew each other bfore you became interested... so you know the "Real" me... ."
His response, "Um. yeah... so... do you want to go out sometime?"
I tried to explain to him that I'm a freak and I can't go on dates.
He wanted to know if I'm blowing him off.
I said no, I want to hang out and continue to get to know him as we are already doing, but I can't think of it as a date b/c then I'll freeze and run away.
And then we had this HILARIOUS conversation about how "you are such a girl and you are confusing."
But finally I said, "I can't agree to a date b/c I feel like, with a date, there's pressure to know what you want right away, and I don't know what I want. All I know is I like hanging out with you and, honestly, I hadn't thought of anything beyond that. So, I'm not saying I definitely am not interested in a date at some point. I'm not saying that I definitely am interested. I'm saying I don't know, and can we just keep hanging out as we are.
He laughed his head off and said, "Ok, next time, just say yes and go with it."
So he told me he thought I was interesting and intelligent and beautiful and just wanted to continue to get to know me more.
And I said, "Yeah... so can we just hang out and do that?"
He said, "Ha... yes... all I was trying to say was 'can we keep getting to know each other.'"
I said, "Oh... okay... so.. hanging out."
He said, "Yes, hanging out."
I said, "Like we are already doing."
He said, "Yes, but maybe a bit more frequently."
I said, "For now... yes."
Then our conversation resumed as normal.
ok, seriously going to bed.
Food update from today is: food was better today in that I dind't deny my hunger all day long. I ate throughout the day. But I ate weirdly. THink: latte, 4 luna bars, fro yo. So, that is more quantity than lately... but it is not "normal." It's an improvement from the previous days though.
Suavecito update for today: I told him yesterday I'd call him today. I was dreading calling him all day but I finally did. We had a nice talk. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be. I'm getting the sense though, that I really am not interested in anything more with him. I will go on a 4th date though...
Today I worked and then helped my friend with her grad school project. Then I met up with my old fro yo store boss and hung out with her for a while.
Tonight, I had a disordered moment. I was with 2 friends and we were ordering pizza. They wanted to know what toppings I wanted. I hadn't yet decided if I was going to eat dinner! So I froze and was like "Oh, I don't need pizza."They said, "Wait... what?" I was like, "Yeah, no, it's okay, I'll sit with you guys though." They said, "So are you just not gonna eat dinner?" And then I just felt like everything was going quickly... and I couldn't decide if I should eat or not eat... and since everything was going quickly I just defaulted to "not eat." So then I sat there while everyone ate, and I didn't partake. And one guy in particular commented twice on my body and my lack of eating. And I thought, "Hello, Disordered Moment." Anyway... not my best moment today.
Tomorrow is: Brunch with friends, hang out with friend from dialogue above, work on preparing this workshop which I am presenting to parents from around the area on Tuesday.
and seeing as I will have 4 HOURS of sleep... tomorrow is also.... REST DAY.
You definitely need a chill out day missy ;)
ReplyDeletex
That feeling of not knowing what is happening is the worst. I too retreat to disordered behavior. It's ok to not know what is going to happen next. If you don't like it you can stop it an remove yourself. That's what you need to do for yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou know how to treat yourself right. Your an adult and can take care of yourself. You just have to believe it.
I had a persistent friend like that... it's annoying when all you want is a friendship and nothing more but they won't let it go.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get much sleep either! I'm with you on the rest day thing...
Good luck with eating today.
I have moments like this Laura and the 'you have nothing to worry about' comments too if I don't want cake or something really fatty or junky. I have said to myself now that, that even if I don't have much, I must have something, even if it's one slice of something or I must bring my own subsantial meal if we aren't going out for dinner. I think you have to remind yourself to try and get your eating back to or as close to three meals as you can. Thinking of you!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
I can totally relate to the feeling of frustration leading to not eating. A lot of the time for me the frustration of not enjoying the experience of eating would cause me to avoid it. So the very experience of eating was unpleasant for me and I would find ways to rationalize that it simply wasn't worth it or appetizing. For me the best way to get through this situation is to simply order the last thing you remember enjoying. So if its pizza order whatever you last remember enjoying. Then when it gets there, dont psych yourself out, just enjoy a conversation as you eat to distract yourself from the conversation, or watch tv, ANYTHING the key is distract yourself and before you know it the meal will be half gone..then all gone. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteJadedchalice... I feel the same way when I don't enjoy eating sometimes. It bothers me less now because I try to remind myself "oh well. You get to eat again in a few hours." Normalizing eating and taking it off its pedestal makes the disappointment of an unenjoyable meal easier.
ReplyDeleteSarah/Sairs, Yeah, I TOTALLY have to actively step in and remind myself to get back to three meals a day. Today, again, I ate enough calories but only one "meal" (the brunch with friends - oatmeal). For whatever reason, I'm fighting the desire to eat more normally. But you're right, I need to push myself a bit here. I like what you do about telling yourself you'll just have some, even if it's not much. I should do that too... it's ultimately way better. I probably eat less in the end,anyway, if I just ahve a real meal with everyone else.
Andi, thanks for the comment!
Sarah/Mariposa... today was a chill day. I hope you had a relaxing day as well!