Caught in Conversation

At 5:30pm, I was hungry. I said so out loud. Just a quiet, "I'm hungry." And the following conversation went down:

BOSS: You didn't eat lunch today, did you?

ME: Um...

COWORKER: No, you didn't eat lunch. Laura, I never see you eat. You didn't eat lunch, right?

ME: Um, no, I didn't.

COWORKER: Laura, I'm getting worried. Do we need to have an eating disorder intervention?

(Holy shit, did she really say that?! I always think that most people don't even consider someone might have an ED unless they look like they have an ED. I don't "look" like I have an ED. At all. She probably was joking with the comment. But, it's just a little to close to home for comfort.)

ME: Ha, no, I'm about to go get something to eat.

BOSS: I'll walk with you. I want some sun anyway.

(Boss and I walk to store... on the way. Based on our hang outs, Boss knows a bit about the ED)

BOSS: Are you in a slump?

ME: What?

BOSS: I mean, are you slipping? Are you having trouble with eating and not telling me?

ME: Um... yes.

BOSS: Dude! Tell me next time!

ME: Ha. okay.

(at store...)

ME: I'm trying to decide... do I want a luna bar or a PB sandwich?

BOSS: Seeing as a luna bar is not a meal, you should get a PB sandwich.

ME: Okay.

(I buy the sandwich, we are walking back)

ME: Ah, it felt so nice to get out and walk in the sun. I feel so much more energized. I'm not even hungry anymore.

BOSS: You're eating the sandwich.

ME: I know.

I have not talked to coworker about my ED (but my boss does now a bit. No details. Just the fact that it existed/exists, but it's not something we've talked extensively a lot), but I swear, it feels like everywhere I go, people say something to me about food. Thing is, they are saying harmless things. They don't mean it like "we think you have an ED," but because of my history, I am hypersensitive to all comments about my eating. Not sensitive like I take it offensively... I don't... just... hyper aware of all comments I guess.

But it's moments like today when I think "Gosh, maybe I am a bit messed up with food. I feel so normal sometimes. But if I feel so normal, why do people say things?" It's always sobering to realize I do stand out. I don't want to stand out with my eating habits, but sometimes I do.

Today I ate enough calories, but I did not eat them in a normal order. I had a latte in the morning. Then, at 6pm, I had a handful of doritos, a PB sandwich, 3 PB covered pretzels, 3 pecans, and 3 yogurt covered raisins. The end. So, I do not like this at all. It doesn't feel good to eat like this. I hate eating out of a rhythm. I will definitely eat in a rhythm tomorrow. I was being irresponsible again. Sorry... :( I just forget in the moment that it matters.

But, tomorrow, I really will have a goal in the forefront of my mind that I need to eat 3 meals composed of solid food.

I don't want this to be a thing that people notice about me anymore.

I'm always surprised that they still do.