Suddenly naturally motivated?

For whatever reason, lately, I've noticed that I want to eat. I don't want to go without eating. I don't want to skip meals. I don't feel like losing concentration. I don't feel like having hunger pangs. I don't feel like feeling dizzy. And, yet, I wasn't allowing myself to give in to the desire to just relax, let go of the uptight restriction that has been going on for a few weeks, and just.... eat. Because, although I was getting annoyed and sick and tired of the vigilant not eating.. and although I was wanting to have energy again and although I was craving to not have to be so determined to eat so little...... although all of that, I was enjoying my looser pants. I was afraid that, if I just relaxed and ate normally, I'd have to.... (trigger warning)... I'd have to see my knees and inner thighs touch again (this lack-of-touching is new in the last couple of weeks. Jane also gave me a goal to get back to inner-leg-touchage (specifically, knee and upper thigh touchage... and my mouth dropped open and I said "WHAT!" and she laughed... I was pissed that it was a goal, but I guess I see her point now. Anyway, it'll happen naturally as soon as I resume 3x + a day eating). I'd have to start hanging my pants up again instead of letting them be in the dryer. I'd have to put my capris from a few years ago back into the box in the back of the closet.

So, there's been a large part of me wanting to stop this restriction non-sense. It was becoming more of a chore.

But I wasn't letting myself stop.

I was determined to hang onto it.

But you know what?

I think I'm finally ready to leave this regressive phase. I know this because, tonight, I was hungry, and I ate. And I wrote down the food I ate in my food diary and, although still not a ton, it's more than lately... and there were a few occasions where I chose calories over tea because... because I was hungry.

Examples:

• Drank a latte instead of tea - simply b/c I was very hungry. This is the type of choice I had stopped making in the past few weeks.
• Grazed on a few bits of trail mix - because I wanted it and was hungry.
• Ate a cliff bar in the evening - because I was still hungry after dinner.
• Counted calories and got to a "too high" #, and thought "whatever. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Eat less? I was hungry!"

So, tomorrow, I think I can honestly say that I am actually 100% planning on eating 3 meals. I'm not just saying "I should... I know I should... fine I will" but deep down know that I won't.

Now, it's not like that.

For whatever reason.

I'm actually ready to step out of this phase.