Big Insights and thoughts (Willow's Food at way bottom)

Drum-a-roll please....... I liked my conversation with Tracy just now~!

I just talked with Tracy and she said some really helpful things! First of all, she thought I was doing really well. She said that, at times, I could increase my portions a bit. She said that I am trying to respond to my hunger and, progressively, I'm getting better and better at responding to it. She wanted to make sure I knew that she didn't think I was overeating and that, if I can, I can make my portions bigger and that'd still be okay. I told her about my thoughts about eating the chocolate covered nuts last week. I told her how I had come to rationalize it. She said that she thought my eating chocolate covered nuts was such huge progress and, not only is it okay to eat them, but it's recommended. Oh! Awesome! In that case, I think I'll just eat a gallon of them right now! :-P

Here's the thing she said that was a really huge realization for me:

I told Tracy that just continuing to make progress as I am in this way that feels so good and so free feels like it must be somehow wrong and bad. It's like I'm being too easy on myself. I feel good, and I feel good about myself. It can't possibly be normal to feel this good and it can't possibly be okay to have such an easy time with food, can it? Am I really allowed to feel good and be healthy at the same time?

Tracy's response: You are allowed to feel happy. You are allowed to feel content. You are allowed to enjoy eating. You are allowed to pick the foods you enjoy. You are allowed to feel comforted and nourished. You are so used to depriving yourself of comforts and relaxation. You are so used to being so hard on yourself that this feels strange. It feels strange to let yourself eat things you enjoy and eat when you're hungry, but this is what everyone else feels all the time - even more so! You are so used to choosing the hardest paths in life, but you are allowed to make decisions in life that make your life happier and easier. It's like the woman who is in abusive relationships so much that that's what she's used to. (Tracy makes so many parallels to eating disorders and abusive relationships that I wonder if she has been in abusive relationships). Then, the woman finds herself in a good relationship where she's treated well, but she feels undeserving of being treated so well, so she sabotages it. So, just remember, really remember, you are allowed to feel happy. You are allowed to feel content. You are allowed to eat foods you like.

'WOAH' was my reaction! Because I was here thinking "okay, I keep letting myself eat what I want... I dunno, maybe it's not okay to be so liberal with myself. Maybe I should cut back b/c maybe I'm just being too easy on myself." And what Tracy said made me realize that I have been feeling uncomfortable with being easy on myself. Everything she said was dead on. Also, I agree with her. I do believe that, like everyone else, I am allowed to be nice to myself, to be content, to be happy, and to enjoy my food. Therefore, I'm not currently doing anything wrong. I'm not doing anything wrong by nourishing myself. I feel the need to rationalize it, but that's just because I'm not used to it.

A few weeks ago, I was in the place (like I am now), where calorie counting was not a part of my day. It had become normal to not consider counting calories. Then I thought "Hm, this is so nice. Am I really allowed to just eat as I please without calories as a guide?" So I started counting again because I got uncomfortable with the freedom and good-feelings that came from not counting calories. Then I spent the last few weeks working to get back to the place where I don't count calories. I'm here again. I haven't counted in the past few days. So now I'm going to predict that I'll start to get uncomfortable with not counting calories. I'll get uncomfortable with freedom. I'll get uncomfortable with good-feelings. And I'll be tempted to go back to my old patterns of putting myself in a slight prison by counting calories... because it can't possibly be the case that I'm allowed to be free! I'll predict that that will happen. Therefore, I'll have a higher chance of being able to catch it when that does happen. And then, I'll remind myself that I'm allowed to feel good and free.

Also I was talking to Tracy about things that reading magazines and watching shows like The Biggest Loser make me wonder. I told her that, sometimes, I watch The Biggest Loser online. Last week I saw the finale on the T.V. When these contestants are interviewed, they say things like "You can't cook chicken with any oil. You can't ever eat chocolate." They make statments like that. I told her that, I listen to those things and I think "Um... I eat chocolate. Is it okay that I eat chocolate? The other day I cooked eggs with olive oil in the pan.... is that okay?" It makes me nervous that I'm being too liberal with myself again. Tracy's response was that the show is putting these people on rigid diets. She reminded me that I AM NOT ON A DIET. Tracy said they are aiming for very fast weight loss (SHE REMINDED ME THAT I AM NOT AIMING FOR WEIGHT LOSS) because it is a race.

Then, Tracy said, these people will ultimately gain their weight all back because you can't go all your life completely avoiding all kinds of foods. The other thing she reminded me that these people are morbidly obese, are usually big emotional eaters, and it is way too difficult for them to eat just a couple bites of a chocolate bar and not the whole bar. I was telling her that I used to be that way with chocolate, PB, trail mix, anything desserty but that's just b/c I had such rigid rules a/b no nuts, no PB, and no sweet things.... so when I did allow myself any part of it, I would binge on it. Now, things are different. I actually have a bar of chocolate in my house; and PB (still no trail mix), and it doesn't give me a panic attack to know that it's here... and it doesn't make me binge either! She acknowledged that this is such huge progress.

She said that EVERYBODY has that in them - the ability to stop eating when they're satisfied - but these people on The Biggest Loser need tons of emotional support to get to that place. Tracy reminded me that, because they haven't had that emotional support, and they can't stop eating after a decent, normal portion of dessert, they have no choice but to stay away from it completely. She reminded me that I am different b/c I have had tons of emotional support (from Tracy, Jane, you all), and I have done the work to get to this place. Sometimes watching The Biggest Loser makes me feel like I eat badly and too much. Tracy reminded me how I am different from the contestants: 1) I am not on a diet; 2) I am not morbidly obese, 3) I am not trying to lose weight; 4) I am not an emotional eater; 5) I have emotional support; 6) I have the ability to eat in moderation compared to these people, who haven't yet gotten the needed support.

I really like how Tracy said that EVERYONE HAS IT IN THEM, TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE THEY CAN BE IN CONTROL OF THEIR EATING IN A MODERATE, ENJOYABLE WAY. EVERYONE HAS IT IN THEM TO NOT DEPRIVE THEMSELVES AND ALSO NOT OVEREAT. I love how Tracy believes that. I believe it too.

My goals from Tracy are:

1) Continue to keep trying to trust my hunger and try not to fall back on counting calories as a way to check to see if it's possible that my hunger is real. (sometimes I'll count calories, realize I've only had x many, realize it makes sense to be hungry, and then eat. The goal is to try not to do this)

2) Go up on the amount of salad dressing I use.

3) Put butter on toast when I have it. As Tracy says, "Just try it! You'll never be able to go back! Toast without butter tastes like crunchy air. Toast with butter is a whole other experience!" (Ooooh, I'm excited! okay!)

4) If I eat subway again, put cheese and low-fat mayo on the sub because it supposedly tastes better that way, and you get a little more protein and fat that way, making it more satisfying. This goal came about because she asked if I ever consider putting cheese on my subway. I said "I like low-fat mayo better, so I choose the mayo instead." She said that most people don't choose between the two. If people like both, they put both. People who do things like that, she said, go around feeling more satisfied, and, ultimately, don't gain any weight b/c they don't feel the need to snack and binge, etc. Tracy said: TRUST YOUR TASTE BUDS AND YOUR HUNGER.)

I want to talk briefly about Jane's appointment yesterday. Lately, I'm feeling like these appointments (therapy, dietitian, psychiatrist) are so inconvenient! I am starting to see myself as someone who is not just an eating disordered person; I'm starting to feel ready to move forward in life; and I guess I've been feeling like these appointments hold me back because I have to take the time out of my day to drive there, talk about something (eating disorder) which is becoming old news and not getting in the way of my life or my mood anymore. I feel like I talk about it for their sake rather than mine. I have this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to open my mouth and utter a single word in therapy for fear that Jane will catch something that worries her, and then I'll need to deal with it... and, mostly, I just don't want her to be worried when I am pretty sure I'm doing well.

I expressed this to Jane yesterday, and she told me I was pulling out my old patterns: going to lengths to ensure no one sees a single thing wrong with me (i.e., to make sure I appear perfect and great and not needing any support ever). She reminded me of how I deceived friends and family because I wanted to protect them from worrying about me. She reminded me of how I would compete in gymnastics, injured, without saying anything about being in pain because I wanted to continue to be the person who never needed any sort of medical attention. (obviously I never had a serious injury or that could not be avoided. although one time I did hurt my ankle, it caused me to limp, and to disguise it I went for a whole week wearing one high heel shoe and one flat shoe - pretending that that was my fashion choice. That way, I looked like I was limping b/c of my shoe choice, not b/c my ankle really hurt). It was eye-opening to realize that I was afraid of these appointments lately because I wanted Tracy and Jane to also think of me as someone who has no problems and never needs any support.

The take-away here is: I can, overall, be doing well, and Jane and Tracy can see that, and, at the same time, I can still benefit from support and I can still have moments, days, and weeks when I am struggling. One struggle does not make me a weak person as a whole.

Jane then said that it I were to stop treatment now, it would be premature. If I hadn't asked her why she thought that, I would have taken that to mean she thought I was so much more messed up than I really am. However, when I asked her why she thought that, the reason she gave me made a lot of sense! Jane said that I am doing well, and I am really recovering, yet, this recovery is new ("weeks old," she said), so it's good to maintain support as recovery moves from being a "new recovery" to an "old recovery." Makes sense. She also said that I am taking ideas that we've been talking about (perfectionistic tendencies, different ways of viewing myself, eliminating black-and-white thinking), and I'm really starting to integrate them into my every day. She said I was making great strides with them. She says that it's important to have support as I continue to integrate these ideas into my every day. This made me realize, Jane doesn't think I'm doing badly; rather, she thinks I should continue with treatment in order to prevent slipping back. Makes sense. Jane also said that, in her experience, patients that leave treatment at this stage often end up coming back, a year later, having slipped back. Jane also talked to me about "eating disorder outcome studies." She said that the only outcome she is comfortable with me having is the outcome where recovery is full and permanent and there is zero chance of relapse. Jane told me that, in these studies, when people quit treatment at my stage, it is likely that I will end up slipping back and hovering at functionally disordered - and that's not okay with her (or me). She told me that, perhaps I'd be different and I wouldn't slip back, but it's not a risk she wants to take. Ok, all of those were good reasons to continue therapy, I think. Also, it makes me realize that there is a point to treatment even if the only point is to provide support as you continue to do well - even if the only point is to be a safety net in the beginning stages, it's worth it I guess. Plus, seeing my gramma be so anorexic at the age of 76 makes me not want to be left with any chance of slipping back like that!

Jane said, "You really are recovering!" And I said, "I know, I don't even know how this happened!" She reminded me that I had a lot of treatment and I've been doing a lot of work. That is so true. I quit my job; I freed up my schedule; I talked to Jane 2x a week (one of them being a double session); I talked to a psychiatrist and started taking zoloft; I talked to Tracy one time a week; I started blogging; I had family therapy and opened up to my parents; I opened up to some friends and had their constant support; I called Tracy/Jane nearly every day and they called me; It was a lot of treatment. Time consuming and financially expensive in the short-term (reimbursments, but they don't come immediately), but it has been worth it!

I told Jane that the only thing right now that I wish is that I had a better sense of my body. I expressed that I want to walk around, interviewing random strangers, asking them "Am I normal, almost fat, fat, or very fat?" I expressed to Jane that there's no way to get the answer to this question. I'm not willing to step on the scale, Tracy and Jane will never say "you're fat," and I can't ask strangers b/c that's annoying. Jane was kind of laughing and said, "Then how will you answer this question?!" I told her that maybe I shouldn't. Because, no matter what the answer, it will ignite an emotional response (relief if I'm normal; sadness if I'm fat) and I shouldn't have my self esteem tied to my weight anyway.

For a long time, I have been allowed to feel good about myself or not based off of my body and my caloric intake. Now, I don't believe that those two ways of getting self-esteem are valid or logical. I don't believe in them, so I am not using them as sources of self esteem. But I'm left wondering.... so what I do I use? I am feeling okay about myself? Am I just allowed to feel okay about myself? Jane says that I'll have to figure that out on my own and we will work on that in the next few sessions.

Now that the ED is fading into the background, I am left wondering how to evaluate my self worth. I'm left actually feeling okay about myself and my own self-worth, but not having an ED as my reason for feeling good is a different experience for me. It feels strange. I feel naked without it. I feel like "so, really? this is it? this is life? and I'm allowed to just feel good and enjoy life regardless of body or caloric intake? What replaces the ED? Anything?" I don't know the answers to these questions, but these are my questions.

Jane then made me draw out on a piece of paper all the different ways I see my body, depending on the moment. She told me that we're oging to "work the body image" so that I can answer this question of what I look like for myself. I got scared. What if I don't like the answer? Why should I know the answer? Couldn't this make me feel worse in the long run? She said that I have to answer the question b/c, as is, I'm very confused a/b my body size and I can't go through life having no idea what I look like. Good point. She also said that I have to answer it for myself b/c I don't trust anybody else's answers and, anyway, I'm someone who needs to figure out things on my own. Another good point. She said that it will make things worse before they get better but it will ultimately be worth it and I can' handle it. I'm hesitatnt, but okay..... So, supposedly, with Jane, I am going to discover what I look like in the next few sessions with her? I guess? She says she wants to approach these in 3 different ways and we'll pick up in the next session....I am just going to trust her. She seems to know what she's doing.




Also - kind of random - but Tracy and I were talking about eggs, and I told her that I read somewhere that a healthy person can manage to eat two whole eggs a few times a week without raising their cholesterol. I told her this concerned me, asI would be willing to eat two whole eggs every day! It made me wonder if I'm eating too much fat. She told me that the egg issue is up for debate right now. She said that she wouldn't recommend having three whole eggs every single day, but when you feel like it it's fine. She also said that, some days, you'll wake up and know that you need some more umph in you to be satisfied, so you'll eat two whole eggs; other days, you will just eat one whole egg and two egg whites. IT just depends on what you feel. I always feel so good when Tracy tells me things like this. This was helpful to hear this b/c it reinforces the idea that Tracy is not here to make me fat. I always fear that she'll say that anything and everything I eat is okay because I had a restrictive form of an eating disorder. So it's to know that she is actually abel to tell me that she'd say that 3 whole eggs every single day is too much.





If you are interested in what Willow (non-foodie, non-EDed, healthy normal eater) ate yesterday, I'll post it after 20 enters. I think for some of you, it was not helpful to read it. If you are one of those people, please don't scroll down. If you are someone for which it's helpful to look at this, here ya go:




























WILLOW'S FOOD:
PRE-BREAKFAST
-large mug of coffee w/ soy milk

EXERCISE:
-25-minute run

BREAKFAST:
-two bowls of cereal (fiber one, kashi go lean crunch, granola mixed) w/ milk
-tea w/ sugar

MID-MORNING:
-coffee w/ cream

LUNCH:
-a piece of quiche (yeah, again. i promise i don't eat quiche that often!!! except for this week)
-apple
-tea w/ sugar

-more coffee (black)

DINNER:
-a few slices of french bread
-small caesar salad
-small plate of pasta w/ tomato sauce and parm cheese
-medium-sized portion of eggplant parmesan (smaller than the gargantuan portions that you usually get of eggplant parm but still decent sized)
-half a large potato
-sauteed broccoli
-tiramisu for dessert
-several glasses of red wine