I don't really feel like writing a thought out post right now because my hands are cold so it's annoying to type. My knee is feeling a lot better now (as in I don't feel it hurt anymore when I test it by jogging from my car to the front of a store, for example), so I could run tomorrow, but I tthink i'll be good and just rest one more day. It has only been 2 running-free days, but it feels like forever. Instead of running, Im' going to get up early and go towards where Jane is early, sit in a coffee shop, and do a blog post from there (one that will help me prep for Jane's appt). I think I'll enjoy more writing tomorrow morning than i would right now.
Today was not exactly a normal food day, but, I did some thinking, and I think it's best to try to frame this as a decent day 52. I think finding a way to justify this as decent day 52 will put me back in the meal frame of mind, and make it more likely that I eat in more of a rhythm tomorrow.
So, decent day 52:
Late breakfast at 1pm: 1 packet of oatmeal + 2 tbspn cinnamon almond butter + half a banana + 1 pinch of raisins
-I guess I was more hungry than I realized b/c I wasn't anywhere near too full after this
Lunch at 6pm (while tutoring): plate of fruit: 1/2 an orange, some persimmon, a few slices of pear
-okay, yes, I know, this really shouldn't count as lunch. But I was thinking.... Breakfast was big. And, if this lunch had been breakfast, I would have been okay with counting it as breakfast. Anyway, the point now is to just find a way to rationalize it. It's all psychological now. If I can say today was decent day 52, then I am more likely to have decen tday 53 tomorrow
-The disordered thing a/b this was that I had half a sandwich with me and a yogurt, but I threw them away.
-I think I was feeling like I was eatin gtoo much and I was in this "i dont' know if i should eat or not" mindset. I'm sure not running is not helping this. I think this will all get straightened out tomorrow after i talk with jane.
Dinner at 8pm: one bean burrito, fresco style from taco bell + 2 spoonfuls of ice cream
Snack: handful of TLC kashi crackers.
Thoughts:
-I actually calorie counted. More than that, I wrote the calories on my hand (old habit). More than that, I re-counted them on post it after post it.
-I was having a day where I kept saying "what do I do next? should I eat?" It's never a good sign when I get in that mindset. it's important i get back into the mentality of assumign i'll have 3 meals right away
-I can't really guage if i ate too much or an okay amount today. I suppose since I'm hungry right now, as I type this, it wasn't too much? Whatever.
-Actually, I do want to eat right now. I want to eat a lot. I want a huge breakfast.
-I think tomorrow I'll go to Berkeley early (where Jane is) and eat a large breakfast while I think a/b life and figure some things out.
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I think spending soem time with yourself to think will be good for you. We are allowed to have days like this and these are days that help us grow. There are a lot of variables that allow you to be within your comfort zone: clothes fitting, workouts, etc. If size is not your goal, ideally, none of this would affect your mood or change your behaviour (of course this is in an ideal world -and you know my issues so althougyh I would love for this to be completely true for me it isn't yet, but I strive for something like this)
ReplyDeleteHow do you feel about the choices you made today? Sometimes we make decisions, and although it doesn't make us a bad person or wrong for having done them, we may consider doing something else if we had the same set of circumstances next time.
I'm here for you as well and know that you are able to work through whatever is thrown at you.
Thanks, Suzie! Your comment means a lot.
ReplyDeleteI feel fine with how I ate today. I don't feel guilty about anything. Well, I mean, I'd prefer to add more produce and feel more healthy. I have lots of days where I do feel healthy like that. Today I don't really feel "healthy," but I'm just reminding myself that, although I may have eaten a bit too much, I couldn't really have eaten any less (because I was hungry) and it's good I didn't binge and I don't think I ate an amount htat would cause me to gain weight. So, basically, I feel like the day's food is good enough. Tomorrow I really want to strive to get back into assuming i'll have meals. That will mean waking up and immediately having breakfast (unlike today where I waited 6 hours after waking up to eat breakfast).
Also, yes, I think the morning time to think will be good. I have my appt with Jane at 11, so the alone thinking time will all be done before 11. After that, I spend the afternoon meeting with some executives from the tutoring company I work for. And, almost immediately following that, I work at the fro yo store until 11pm. Often, mornings are my only quiet time - since I always work until 11pm many days.
ReplyDeleteoh, I just read your comment again. Yes, if, I re-lived today, I would make food choices differently.
ReplyDelete1) I'd eat breakfast sooner after waking up
2) I'd have eaten lunch before tutoring
3) I'd have eaten dinner before or at fro yo store
All of this was caused by delaying breakfast. I have learned the lesson not to delay breakfast SO MANY TIMES.
Writing these comments out makes me realize i have to plan better for tomorrow. plan is: B within an hour after waking up. L after Jane's (or at Jane's). Make/pick up dinner before fro yo store. Eat dinner at fro yo store. And allow for snacks.
ReplyDelete**even though i'm not running, i'm still allowed to eat a normal amount***
(I really want to eat right now. I want it to be breakfast. I'm not starving, I am hungry though. And, mostly, I just want to eat. I've considered getting out of bed to et something to eat but that seems too laborious... and i don't actually have anything I truly want anyway...)
sounds like a plan that will work well for you. Tomorrow will be a great day!
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget your not running - giving yourself a chance to heal - so your body is going to be using food a little different. Just calm down. You can do this.
ReplyDelete