You know what? Jane thinks I'm out of town right now, so I'm not going to her appointment tomorrow. I didn't call her to tell her I wasn't out of town yet. I could be going to her appointment tomorrow, but I'm not. And I'm not going Monday either - because I will actually be out of town.
Tracy thinks I'm out of town too, so that was my excuse for not checking in with her. She always asks me to check in via her voice mail every day (EVERY DAY!) and I don't feel like it anymore.
And I was thinking while driving home from the fro yo store tonight about how all of this (treatment) is really out of control at this point. It's not necessary. I sort of feel like I'm just some ED Girl Toy that the nutritionist, therapist, and psychiatrist get to play with. Because I don't say no to their ideas, because I don't refuse treatment, because I don't cancel sessions (until this week when I sorta didn't correct them when they assumed I was going out of town because of my grandma)... because of all of those things, they just have fun playing with me as their little ED Girl Toy.
Except for one thing - I don't really have a major ED anymore! All of these 2x/week therapy, 1x/week RD appt, 1x/3 weeks psychiatrist appointment, daily voice mails, food dairies....it's all not necessary anymore. I feel like it's all fake; like I'm playing "ED Treatment" the way little kids play House or something.
At the same time, I'm trying not to go into denial. I'm not exactly saying that I don't need any of their support. I'm not sure what would happen if I suddenly stopped therapy and RD appts... but I don't think I want to find out quite yet. I'm not saying "I have zero ED-related problems and therapists/RDs are pointless... but I guess I'm saying, I'm a lot less dependent on them. I'm saying I'm feeling a lot more normal. Even when I notice the presence of the ED, I still feel a lot more normal.
And, in truth, I'm just feeling sick and tired of thinking about this and dealing with this. I'm sick of ED-related things being such a focus of my day. They're a focus of my day not in a disordered way... they're a focus of my day in a "oh, I have to go to therapy and talk about them" way. Or, "oh, I have to blog about if my day was decent or not." Or, "Oh, I have to call the RD and tell her about today." It's like, can't I just read a magazine and go to bed? Does the last thing I do really have to be calling Tracy?
Right now, I don't even want to write about decent days anymore (and haven't wanted to write about them for about a week now...). But part of me thinks I should keep recording them, because, it has been helping A LOT - to write them down. To force that daily reflection.
I've realized that I am different than someone who has never had an ED. And I also realize that I'm sort of new at this "feeling normal" thing. So I realize I do still have to have my guard up because, in my experience, slipping back where the ED makes your life suck happens quickly when it happens. I think one of my guards is writing about the Decent Days and forcing the nightly reflection on the day. It keeps me self-aware, and, being self-aware is a very powerful tool in staying healthy.
Anyway... back to the point of this post... I just have been wondering a lot lately "Do I REALLY need to talk to Tracy and Jane anymore? Is it stupid that I talk to them? Am I not really all that eating disordered anymore and, yet, I'm still acting like I'm some person who needs all this frequent treatment and supports? Is this just all a little out of hand at this point? Don't I know, deep down, that I'll be fine without Tracy or Jane? Shouldn't I just write them both a big thank you note and quit SO THAT I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE?
Is it weird that, lately, I feel that therapy and RD appointments are getting in the way of me moving forward in life. Is it weird that I feel like I'm forced to "deal" with stuff (ED-stuff) that doesn't really exist anymore? Is it weird that it is all starting to feel fake?
What are your thoughts on this?
So if I feel this way - and if I have felt htis way for the past bit now... then why do I keep seeing Tracy and Jane? Well, partly it's because I don't know how to "break up" with people so I don't know how to say "I quit" because I'm afraid they'll feel like they didn't finish doing their job with me, which will make them feel like they failed b/c I wanted to quit. But, besides, that, I never end up quitting them (even though I think about it a lot) because THEY JUST CARE SO. DAMN. MUCH.
Even though I had called Tracy to tell her I might not be checking in because I'll be out of town, she e-mailed me tonight saying, essentially,
"Hi, Laura. I haven't heard from you in a couple of days so I want to make sure you're doing okay with your food. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother... I know her death was expected but that doesn't make it any easier. In the last message you left me, it sounded like your eating was getting better despite the stress. Stay very present while eating otherwise some "hungry days" might catch you off guard. Keep up your good work and, if you'd like, we can correspond daily via e-mail so no one has to hear you checking in while you're with your family in Michigan. How was today? Let me know how you're doing... I'm thinking of you and very proud of all the progress you've been making. You're improving so much." (I'm guessing Jane told her I cried in Jane's office about Tracy not thinking I was doing well. It's really unfair to Tracy that I think these things b/c Tracy says 'good job' and other related statements all the time.)
Okay, I mean... I'm all set to quit her and then she sends me that e-mail. She does stuff like this all the time. I mean, doesn't she have other clients? Why does she care so much? Why does she send me these type of emails? I have two simultaneous reactions: 1) STOP BABYING ME! I'M FINE! and 2) OH MY GOSH, YOU CARE SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU!
And I'm also thinking that I really dont' need to talk to Jane 2x/week anymore. In fact, maybe I don't need to talk to her at all anymore. And then Jane calls to leave me a message saying "Feel free to call me anytime you need me even though you're out of town. FEel free to leave me messages or call my cell phone. Tracy told me your last couple of check ins with her were good, and I want you to know that I think that's great. You're in such a better place than you were this time last year - think of it! But, even though your'e doing well, the ED can be sneaky... so if it starts to sneak back in, please give me a call because I want to know and we'll shoo it out again together."
I mean... okay... if maybe they could stop caring so much, I could just stop therapy/RD appts.
I truly wonder what is best: Am I being hindered or helped by therapy/RD appts? Is all this therapy/RD appts making me think of myself as just a person "recovering from an ED?" Is it making me feel like "recovery from an ED" is the biggest deal in the world (I mean, it is a big deal, but I have other parts of me too). I suppose it doesn't have to be black-and-white. It's not "therapy is helpful" or "therapy is harmful." But perhaps the right dose of therapy is what I'm looking for. And, honestly, I think my dose is too high right now and it's causing an unintended side effect: less time to spend doing other non-ED related real life things + making me think that all my life is is ED recovery, thinking the most defining thing about me is that I do ED Recovery related activities.
Anyway - even though I don't want to... I will write down my food today because it does keep me accountable and, if I'm being honest with myself, accountability is important.
Today is not a decent day b/c there was too much food. The criteria for decent day: 3 meals (check) and foods I want (check). However, I also had more food that I didn't really need (though I did enjoy).
thoughts:
-TOO much peanut butter (not sure if PB can stay in the house)
-was really hungry for B and L
-was fuller than normal after L
-there was calorie counting until dinner, but stopped at dinner when I knew it'd be too high so I didn't want to count b/c it'd just make me angsty
-ate things I wasn't necessarily craving or hungry for
-food was not ruining my day
-not full of ED thoughts
-I just craved a lot of food at the end (dinner on ward). I wasn't hungry, but I did want to eat....
-ate more than a healthy person does, but it's not bothering me. If I were aiming for truly healthy eating, I would not have eaten the evening snacks.
-feel less hungry than normal today in the second half, but it physically feels better like this.
food:
B: 1 whole wheat mini bagel topped with 1 egg sauteed with mushrooms, peppers, spinach + 1/2 banana and a handful of blueberries topped with 2 heapint spoonfuls non-faat plain greek yogurt, 1 teaspoon PB and 1 teaspoon pumpking butter + 2 clementines
L: Mahi Mahi burger patty + 1/2 sweet potato cut into circles and baked with cinnamon + 1 cup lentil, carrot, onion soup
D: 1 whole wheat tortilla with large spoonful (equivalant to 2 or 3 spoonfuls) PB and 1/2 banana
S: 1 whole wheat tortilla with large spoonful PB
S: 2 spoonfuls ice cream + 4 samples fro yo
S: 2 whole wheat mini bagels with huge spoonful PB
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There is no "normal" for eating as there is none only one healthy way to eat. Find what works best for you, i believe you can.
ReplyDeleteYou nut! Your stressed. The PB is a comfort food, your gran just passed, you wanted comfort. This is ok and natural. If it becomes an every day thing that's the problem territory. For right now it's ok. And a binge would have been like 1/2 a jar of PB at one sitting. You are doing great.
ReplyDeleteAs to the frequency of visits. TALK TO THEM! Ask them what they think. I would say ask the RD to still meet once a week but no more daily check in's. Leave the option there to check in if you feel like your out of control but other wise just a once a week thing. Then you can move to every other week after a while. This is not a cold turkey kind of thing. As for the 2x week therapy, again ask her, maybe you can cut back to once a week. Mine tell's me the goal is to get to like a once a month kind of thing. I think that would be nice. I went from 3X per week to 2X to 1 then back to 2 and now I'm back to 1. It's a flexable thing that you need to judge for yourself. You do this for you and there is nothing wrong with going as often as you need to. And nothing wrong with not going if you feel ok. I do believe that check up's are important and I would like to see you go at least once a week for a while longer.
Sorry for the long post.
Your eats sounds delish and not too much! Well, compared to what you normally eat in a day they are but oooo so much variety, so much good om nom nom's! And, remember, today is one of many many days...if you were super hungry today you probably won't be so much tomorrow, ya know?
ReplyDeleteAbout the therapy sutff, I totally can relate!! You go to therapy for forever, you make progress, then you run out of things to say...or so you think! I agree with EA, you can totes cut back if you think its too much. It's not set in stone how often you go to therapy. But, I mean, you're lying to your team about being out of town...that's kind of a red flag, in my opinion. Maybe you don't think so. I don't know.
Also, just wondering, how are the therapy appointments and RD appts getting in the way of moving on with your life? Are you going somewhere? I don't think that to move on in your life you have to quit therapy...ya know?
Anyway, I hope I'm not seeming too critical or anything. I totally know where you're coming from so, I feel you girl! Its cool you're being so honest with us, let T and J know how you feel now!
I say, just scale back on the appointments. Don't quit all at once. Even if you just go once a week say, for a month, and if that works out try every other week. Remember, it's not "all or nothing" (as I often have to remind myself).
ReplyDeletei know you worry about eating healthy but I just wanted to give you some input and tell you that from what I can see you eat healthier than 99.9% of americans (and no, I have no data to back up that figure. I just pulled it out of my *ss).
I motion for day 41 to be reinstated as a decent day. I see a bias here: on other days you've counted as decent, "breakfast" was a latte! How come when you undereat it's still decent, but if you percieve that you eat too much it's not? I agree with Heather that it will all balance out in the end. I have confidence in your ability to do what's right for your body over the longer term. It's normal to eat a little more than you need sometimes, especially if you are eating less at other times. Remember that you are striving for decency not perfection; i think that given your goals this day was definitely decent!
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, everyone else has spot-on advice about T and J. Why don't you talk to them about scaling back? There is no need to go cold-turkey. Like a drug, it's probably best to taper off gradually. Take care! <3 R
You are officially on denial watch! You say you don't have an eating disorder and yet you write out all these ED thoughts you are having aaaaand you call 'healthy' amount 'too much'...so girl! I got my eye on you. You and your denial :P
ReplyDeleteTHanks, Alex! :) (That's not a sarcastic 'thanks'... that's really... Thanks)
ReplyDelete