Letter # 2 to Jane - part 2

(continued from last post)

Ok, now it’s tomorrow, 1:24pm. I worked until 1pm. I will work again from 2:45 – 6:30. Now, I am sitting by myself at a bakery café. I just ate half a turkey sandwich with avocado and a cup of chicken and wild rice soup. Now I’m sipping tea. Today, I am perfectly content sitting here alone.

Reflecting back on what I wrote yesterday, I realize that I wrote a lot about the past (and it’s true, I am just recently admitting how hard the past couple of years have been. People say getting over an eating disorder is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life. False. That honor, so far, for me, goes to teaching.). I wrote about the past but everytime I got to the part where I was supposed to write about how I feel in the present, I’d stall out.

I was right; today I am happy. I look back at yesterday and feel like I was overreacting. I minimize how I felt yesterday. But, my writing was honest. IT was how I felt. I feel lots of things. I feel several different emotions throughout the day. Sometimes I feel a few things at once. Today I have felt: curious, proud, eager, happy, tired, energetic, physical pain (knee), calm, thoughtful, jealous. Overall, today I feel very different from how I felt yesterday when I was writing this letter. Overall, I feel content today. Why? I’m with people. I had a training all morning, then I was surrounded by people as I prepped for lessons. In an hour, I will tutor for a few hours straight. After that, I am meeting a friend for dinner. Why else am I happy today? I got out of my house early, which makes me feel alive and needed. Why else am I happy today? I feel productive.

I’m in a better position to write the more rational, strong, hopeful part of the letter today. So, here goes:

I’ve realized I’m not happy in a stable way. Yes, I have happy moments – lots of them. But, in general, I feel sad and lonely many times too. I feel separate from society. I feel confused. I feel like a loser. I feel like I should have friends (local friends), but I don’t. I feel like I’m not living at the edge of my face. I wake up and don’t know what to do with myself. I already said this, but I don’t feel real.

It’s easy to feel the sadness and go deeper into it. It’s easy to fantasize about being homeless. Or it’s easy to look for proof in my life that I’m a loser, find it, affirm that I’m not like other humans – I’m different – I’m worse – and then desire to go home, lie in my bed, let the time pass, and wait until tomorrow.

But I’m better than that. When I stop and ask myself questions, my answers show me I don't really want ot retreat into sadness. My answers show me my instinctual reaction is different from the one that would represent what I actually believe. Let me try to explain what I mean:

Let’s take a look at my beliefs about myself:

Do I make people happy? Yes, I do.

Do I have skills to offer to employers? Yes, I do.

Could I list these skills? Yes, I could.

Do I have weaknesses? Yes.

Can I handle these weaknesses and be successful despite them? Yes.

Am i sure about that? Pretty much.

Do I have a good personality? Do people enjoy beign around me? Yes and Yes - usually.

Do I enjoy the lack of stress that comes with my current schedule? Yes.

But would I change things about my current life? Yes.

What would I change? I’d have a full time job and do my best to keep my personal life alive even though I was working full time; I’d live with people; I’d live closer to The City; I’d call people on a regular basis and initiate plans with them. I’d say yes if they offered me to hang out with their friends.

Do I add value to the world? Yes.

Am I really that different from the rest of society in terms of my capabilities, my insecurities, my personality? No.

AM I really so different that I'm unable to "do life?" no.

If I could remind myself of things every day, what would I remind myself? I would remind myself that:
• I am capable of more than I think
• People do want me to reach out, connect, strive for things.
• Things don’t have to be perfect; just get a start on something – don’t’ aim for perfection.
• I deserve the same as I believe other people deserve.
• I would ask myself “What are you afraid of?” And when I realized the answer is nothing. Or when I realized the answer is nothing that I need to be afraid of, then I would be able to move on and I’d stop freezing up. I know this is vague.
I don’t really know what I’d remind myself of, but I do know that I need to be reminding myself of things. My default reaction seems to be low confidence and fear. But my default, go-to reaction is no longer representative of what I truly believe. So, I need to remind myself of… something…. That I can do it… that I am worth it. “It” could mean many things.

--I would also remind myself that I'm not so different from everyone else as I think.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I sometimes fall into despair easily, but I need to pick myself back up, and urge myself to do the things that are good for me. The expression “Pick yourself up by your bootstraps” comes to mind. It’s how my mom always described my gramma. That expression sounds a little harsh. Another way to think about it is to just be my own leader, be my own mother, my own guide. I can do it.

(ok, i'm tired now, i'll write more tomorrow)

Love,
Laura