Tracy Take-Aways

Had my appointment with Tracy today. I was so nervous before hand. I always get nervous when I see her.* In fact, I've been really anxious all day and I've let it negatively affect my eating. But I'll get to that in a bit. Tracy's appointment was nice, here are some of the highlights/take-aways:

1. We talked about weight. I told her I feel so close (soooooo close) to being able to let go of body worry, but I still cling to a body-image-based identity. It's like I'm waiting for proof that my body is okay as it is. It's like I'm waiting for permission to be okay with my body. Tracy pushed me to articulate why I need this information about my body. IT got me thinking. I just think that my whole life, I've had an attachment to a small body image. I even remember it being a huge deal to me when I became 60 pounds in 4th grade. It's just this strange new feeling I have now where I actually am feeling better about myself and about life WITHOUT that good feeling being attached to a body image. And it's just weird. Like, I feel ready to move on... ready to be happy... ready to feel content within myself... but it's not a small body that's telling me "you're ready" or "you're good enough." So, I hesitate to fully let go, because I'm so used to feeling allowed to feel good based on a body size. So, it's like, "Really? I can stop worrying and start living? But my body image didn't chime in. Wait, I need to wait to hear the body image's opinion." Intellectually, I know I don't need the body image's opinion. (Tracy also reminded me thtat there's no point in worrying about my body, because even when I was so much less weight than I am now, I still worried about "getting fat." She has a point. I've never had stable body image ever. Ever. Not even as a first grader or anything.)

2. We talked about weighing and scales: We decided it is definitely best if I DO NOT know my weight. Here's why: if I know my weight and I'm okay with it, I'll feel like I need to freeze and don't dare move or risk anything for fear I'll "ruin it" and gain weight. Additionally, I'll feel the need to continually check my weight so make sure it's not going up without me knowing. If I know my weight and I'm not okay with it, then I just feel bad and that's not right either. So, there's no good that can come from knowing my weight. I asked Tracy if she's worried about my weight. She laughed and was like, "No, I am not worried about your weight. Your weight is fine; you're the only one who doesn't know it." She told me that I'd know if I'm gaining weight by my clothes. Thing is, I don't. I have such bad perception of my body that I swear I cannot tell if my clothes are lose or "just right" or tight. In the end, Tracy suggested she weigh me because it might give me some peace to know that she knows my weight. She told me she didn't want to give me any feedback at all. I said I was afraid I might ask her for feedback. She said, "even if you beg me; I will not give you any feedback." So, I stepped backwards on the scale, plugged my ears, closed my eyes, and she weighed me. She said, "Nope, still not worried. You have full permission to not worry about your weight. It is completely fine." She assured me she wasn't lying. Somehow, I do like knowing that she knows.

3. We talked about exercise, calories, and weight. She told me that even if I were to eat more (which she wants me to) and even if I were to stop exercising entirely, my body would STILL be able to handle the calories and not gain weight. She promised me that my body can eat 1500 - 1800 (those were #s I picked out; not hers) calories WITHOUT exercise and STILL not gain weight. I find it really helpful to know this sort of information.

4. We talked about what is means to be a healthy eater. I told her how I'm self conscious that what I'm eating unhealthfully. She said that she considers unhealthy to be when people eat regular potato chips frequently or fries every day or chicken nuggets dipped in ranch every day at lunch or unusual amounts of candy because then you get too many "bad fats." (by the way, I was really appreciative that she was able to have this conversation with me. It makes me feel respected and not just like some fragile eating disordered patient). She said that she thinks some butter and some cheese and some chocolate is just fine. She asked me what I think I eat that is unhealthy because she thinks I make healthy choices. I told her "well, I had bread with peanut butter. I could have had 200 calories of vegetables instead." I told her I feel unhealthy when I am aware of a lower calorie choice that I could be making, but I'm not. She said that it all balances out. Her example was "You might really love sour cream, so you just have to have sour cream on your tacos. But you choose whole wheat bread for your dinner." Her other example was "You might love bacon, so you eat it for breakfast. But you don't go eat fries for lunch later."

5. We talked about not thinking about healthy vs. unhealthy in black and white. I realized I've been thinking in black and white about this topic. EX: I'll eat peanut buter on a cracker. I'll think "I could have had broccoli; therefore, I am unhealthy because I made the higher calorie choice in this one instance; therefore, I am an unhealthy eater overall." What Tracy made me realize today is that no one ingredient, no one meal, no one day (not even one week really) makes you a healthy or unhealthy eater. So, overall, I stay away from fast food ( in general). Overall, I don't eat a bunch of bad for me foods. Healthy doesn't mean always eating the lowest calorie option. Healthy doesn't mean never eating the foods you like. It's more complicated than that. Overall, I think I'm pretty healthy. Yes, there is always a healthier option, but I don't need to be so perfectionistic about healthy. (Tracy pointed this out).

6. We talked about the spectrum of overeating to undereating and the spectrum of health conscious to extreme dieting. I told her that, when I got an ED originally, it was simply a "get healthy" plan that went too far. I don't want to have an eating disorder; I don't want to be an extreme dieter; but how do I remain health conscious? I guess I'm just afraid of eating without over thinking because I'm afraid I'll end up swinging to the other side and overeating lots of unhealthy things. Tracy said that she doesn't see that happen that often, but occasionally it does. She said, when it does happen, it happens with the people who truly just do not like healthy foods. They really, truly like french fries dipped in ranch dressing better than a sandwich. She told me that she thinks I have a healthy palette - as in, I actually enjoy the taste of healthy foods. She says that she REALLY doesn't see me swinging to the other side. She said, as is, I am no where close to doing that.

7. We talked about how she would talk to me differently (if at all) if I had never had an eating disorder. I asked her what she would say about my eating if I had never had an eating disorder. She said, if you had never had an eating disorder, I would still tell you you are not anywhere close to the side of unhealthy or over eating. I would still tell you you could eat more. I would still tell you you could exercise less. I would still tell you your weight is fine. I am very serious. I am not letting you overeat at times because you have a history of anorexia. I am not going to let you be overweight because you have a history of anorexia. I promise you this. It was good to hear that.

8. We talked about life without an eating disorder. She asked me if, now that the eating disorder is going away (she actually used those words), if I feel uncomfortable or scared without it. I had to think about that answer for a while. Truth is, I'm not sure what the answer to that question is. I thought about it for a while and I said, "I think the answer to that question is yes, but it's not like I walk around scared and uncomfortable all day. I told her that, it's not like having such a strong eating disorder is fun at all; actually, I hated that. (she nodded her head strongly in agreement). At the same time, without it, it is like I have no guide. My only guide is my own self - my true self - my non-eating disordered self. And that should be a good thing, it's just that I'm not used to it. i keep wondering if my actions are okay simply because they are the actions I want (not because they are the actions that my eating disorder wants). I told her that, before, I always had the eating disorder that I could turn to to distract me. I could focus on that whenever I wanted to. Now, I don't feel like it's there for me to focus on. Tracy said, "Yes, you're too healthy now. You can't easily focus on it." It's true. I told her that, for me to restrict like I'd used to, I'd have to consciously make the decision to shut down, and sort of "close my eyes to the world." I said that I'm just not willing to shut down anymore just for the sake of the eating disorder. But it is weird. and I do feel a little naked or... like Im missing my security blanket. Tracy said that this feeling is soooooo common.

9. We made goals:
a) "You've been doing a good job at responding to your hunger, now you can do an even better job. You really need to be eating some more."
b) "Don't count the nuts you eat; just take a small/medium handful."
c) Don't skip lunch anymore. If, I know, that I won't be able to eat lunch if I eat whatever breakfast I'm about to have, then don't eat that breakfast. I can only eat bigger breakfasts if I can promise myself I'll eat lunch. (Tracy does not think my breakfasts are too big).
d) "Let yourself get more satisfied at lunch. Your body really needs a little more food. It's good you've started eating a little more. Now you really need to try to consider eating just a smidge more. 3 days this week, try to eat a bigger lunch without cutting back on other meals.

(She wanted to give me a goal to drink juice, but I veto-ed that one. She also wanted to give me a goal to eat chips, but I also vetoed that one)

When I left, she said she thought I was doing well. She said "and your weight is fine. And you can even completely stop exercising and it would still be fine."

I got my hair cut today, and got it blown straight. I look like a different person!

Here's my food for the day. Be warned, it's not spectacular:

Breakfast at 8am→ 2 pieces of whole wheat cinnamon raisin French toast topped with a good layer of peanut butter.

• had woken up at 3am and 6am very hungry; I only delayed this long to eat because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted.
• no calorie counting

Dinner at 6pm→ one bite of chicken.

• My mom made dinner. Cheese/veggie stuffed peppers and baked chicken. I think I had gone too long without eating, which made me more anxious around food. That, too, is a pattern. If I skip a meal, I get more anxious about eating the next one. I saw oil or butter or something in the dinner, and I got anxious and I just didn’t eat. I just felt really anxious. After dinner, my mom confronted me and said, “Is something wrong? You didn’t eat. I get worried when I see you eating like that; it makes me think you’re not progressing like you’re supposed to.” I told her I was anxious. She said, “But why?” I said, “I don’t know. I saw a lot of oil and butter.” She said, “That was just the juices from the pepper. In the entire dinner, there was only 1 spoonful of olive oil and no butter at all. There was just mushrooms, olives, onions, cheese, some spices on the chicken, some vegetable broth. That’s all.” I proceeded to tell her that I probably wasn’t thinking straight because I was too hungry. She said, “But since you know that, you should know that you just need to eat something to help you think straight no matter what the food.”

Snack at 8pm: the smallest size of fro yo with graham cracker crumb and chocolate chip topping.
• I didn’t really want fro yo, but I was at the mall with my mom and she wanted me to eat dinner. I’d just rather eat fro yo than get a meal because I wasn’t that hungry. And I didn’t want to eat a meal when it felt like I’d be watched.

Snack at 19pm 2 graham crackers dipped in whole milk
• My dad brought it to me saying, “You didnt get enough dinner.” I knew I should eat and I didn’t want to put up a fight or worry my parents– plus, I like graham cracker and milk, so I ate. I actually felt better and less anxious after eating.

Snack at 11pm: slice of bread with good amount of PB
--I thought about how, so many times in my appt with Tracy today, seh asked me if I was hungry when goign to bed. I said yes. She asked why I didn't eat something. She told me I was waking up abnormally ravenous and i should be eating a bigger lunch/dinner. She kept saying "why dind't you eat something when you were hungry at night?" So, tonight, as I was sooo hungry around 11pm and I started thinking about breakfast. I heard Tracy's voice in my head say, "Why didn't you eat something?" So I thought, "Okay, I will!"

Thoughts on the day: Good breakfast; helpful appointment with tracy; I feel good knowing that tracy knows my weight; unusual amount of anxiety around dinner; I think I need to really work on not skipping lunch on days I eat bigger breakfasts because it makes me not think rationally about dinner.




*In case you don't know, normally I talk to Tracy on the phone and I only see her in person when I go visit my parents. Why? Well, because when I first started seeing her (nearly 3 years ago), I assumed I could just fix this lil' e.d. problem in a few months. So, I knew I'd be moving away in a few months, and I told her "I have to have this fixed 4 months from now." Ha. Riiiight. Anyway, I love Tracy so much (my college roommates called her God) that I just continued to talk to her on the phone when I moved instead of finding a local nutritionist.