funk

I am in a massive funk today.

actually, the last few days, I ossiclate from being in a fear-of-life-iduced-funk to not really thinking about anything and be giddy and happy.

I cry easily in the last few days. I talk to my parents on the phone and they talk a/b me coming home for x-mas and tears steam down my face silently while we talk b/c I don't know what to do a/b coming home. if i come home, i won't work, and then i won't make money, and my parents will be happy i'm home but then i also have to tell clients that i will be out of town and deal with that. if i don't come home, i'll work, but my parents willb e sad i wont' come home. and my mom talks to me a/b helping me move forward in life and getting a career and yadiyadi and i cry b/c what if I don't do well enough?

i just want to do the right thing.

every day i just want to do the right thing.

and sometimes i don't know what the right thing is.
and i want to be good enough.

and .... i might be good enough.

but now that i'm starting to accept that i am good enough (maybe)... it's scary b/c

oh, no more excuses...

no more reason to not have the life i want.

why does this scare me?

i'm becomign all philosophical and weird and vague.

what if I fail at life?

this is what i was feeling before my regression this summer. I just stopped feeling it and avoided dealing with these questions by restricting.

at elast i'm not considering restricting right now and i'm willing to eat and deal with them.

and this woman offered me a part time job that would not conflict with my two other part time jobs and i don't knwo what i should do and what if i make the wrong choice?

and the company that i tutor for keeps liking me and complimenting me and tomorrow i meet with the vp of the company to have a discussion on tutor effectivenss and how to improve the effectiveness of other tutors and this should be a compliment but it scares me b/c now there's pressure. pressure to keep doign well. and i think my bosses are just delusional. i am not a fantastic tutor. i must somehow be deceiving them. and that scares me. what if i give away that i actually suck some day?

and i just.... i wnat to be good enough

i want to be good enough

i want to do well. and do good.

and i'm starting to dream. i'm starting to dream big.

but i'm shying away from actually planning those dreams.

but i'm starting to realize that i'm allowed to dream big and i'm allowed to get specific a/b what i want and i'm allowed to chase after it.

and yet i don't want to admit to anyone that i'm doing this.

sometimes life would be easier if no one liked me - if i had no one that knew me. sometimes i want no one to know me. not my parents or siblings or friends... no one. then i don't have to worry a/b constantly disappointing people. if no one knew me or talked to me ever, no one would express good things a/b me and i woudln't have any pressure to continue to impress them. and if no one ever liked me, and no one talked to me, there'd be no one to dsappoint.

people in my daily life are nice to me and like me. and that is wonderful.

and people seem to believe in me.

but i might fail.

sometimes i just pretend to not dream a/b anything or aim for anything so taht i have no pressure and no expectations.

i'm getting lost right now with my own thoughts - confusing myself with my own thoughts.





I have all these things to write a/b, but I don't have time to write about them. I have to leave right now and I won't be back until 11pm.

I am becoming an emotional person or something.

I've cried like 3 times already today and it's 1pm.

Before, I sort of always could say "well I can't really be successful or do x, y, or z because this eating issue weighs me down." Having to put energy towards food intake was a nice (well, not really nice) distraction from life.

I don't have that distraction any more.... and sometimes moving forward and living a real life like a real person seems hard. And I end up thinking irrational thoughts which make me all emotional.

My mom was great today. I called her on the phone pretty much sobbing and she told me I'm wonderful and she told me to cut myself a break. She said "You graduated from college with an eating disorder and went immediately into a very stressful job and moved to a different part of the country where you knew no one. And think of how much you've grown just in the last 6 months. Think of how much healthier you are in the last 6 months. You should be so proud of yourself. And she told me she was proud of me and everything." I feel really grateful to feel like my parents love and support me unconditionally.

I actually want to talk to Jane tomorrow. For the first time in a while. Even though she's always helpful, recently, I don't want to go b/c it is at the cost of doing other things. But, tomorrow, I want to go. I will be ready to talk to her. I actually called her this morning and left a message saying that I wouldn't refuse to talk. Yesterday she asked me what I wanted in life, and I couldn't bring myself to admit to wanting anything. She asked me if I believe I can be successful in life. And, in order to not cry, I laughed. I did see any of that comming. I told her I don't knwo what any of my interests are any more.

She told me that recovering people are like a pancake. And it takes a while to "puff up" again. She said, while the ED behaviors fade you end up feeling kind of lost and boring. She told me it was a phase and it passes and other parts of me will get cultiaed.

Basically, we talked about wanting things, about believing that I can achieve things I want, and about admitting to wanting things. And we talked about interests. Actually, we didn't really talk b/c I'd say half a sentence, realize I was all of the sudden a/b to cry, so then I'd giggle so that I didn't have to cry and then I'd stop talking. Totally.

Jane was like "waht possibly could you tell me that would shock me? Are you saying you want to be a serial killer or something? (she was joking).

Yesterday in the appt I just stopped speaking. I got to this point where my options were: speak and cry or be quiet. So I chose to just be quiet.

Maybe I can be more real with her tomorrow.

I'm going to post again later.

I just want to feel like a real person and I'm starting to realize I am capable of being a real person. Today, cleaning my house and listening to the radio made me feel like a real person.

I'm starting to realize i'm a real person. I can have a real life. I don't need to shy away from success and happiness. I don't have to shrug my shoulders and be afraid to ask for things and go after things and just let life happen to me in the way that pleases others. I am allowed to dream up my life and chase the one I want...

must come back to this topic

man i really wan tto post a real post a/b this right now but i seriously do not have time. okay. later.

Just ate breakfast (at 1pm... yeah i know.. i suddenly was dizzy and i was like 'oh! food! duh! how did I forget breakfast?!'). Breakfast was good: oatmeal with 1/2 banana, a pinch of raisins, and 2 tbspn of cinnamon PB.


okay .... i need to post later a more helpful post. a post that will be helpful for me. where i think a/b life. and let myself dream...

I think, bottom line, maybe, is that i'm afraid i wont' be able to create the life that others believe I am good enough to have. And, scary thing is, I'm starting to believe i'm good enough to have it too. To have the same things in life that other people want to have.

so, if i'm just like everyone else- allowed to want things and dream things and go after things and strive for a nice life and think a/b myself in addition to thinking about others.... if that is all true that all those things are allowed.... well, that just changes everything a/b the way i've always been thinking...