nothing in particular

Not much to write tonight actually.

I spent most of my day in my pajamas applying for some jobs. At first the thought of applying for jobs was overwhelming. And my parents are saying all these "helpful" and "supportive" things and, somehow, their words were not helping. But, like almost anything, the anxiety is worse BEFORE starting something than actually DOING the thing. Like in college... it's worse THINKING about having to write the paper than actually writing it. Same in the work world. And same in the job-applying world. So, once I got started, I got on a productive role and that felt good. I applied for some jobs and updated my resume and just felt a little more in control and capable. And I think that basically took all day.

Today a really funny moment happened when my brother recalled that he tried to apply for a job at Denny's when he was in high school and they turned him down. He said this, and I literally spit out my water I was laughing so hard :) Then my sister, who was also cracking up at this comment, moved her hands in the air while she was laughing. She was holding a hot glue gun, and she burned my brother! Who then screamed, dropped his bowl, shattered a dish,.... and by this time I was I was laughign so hard I thought I might die.

I have a friend from college who is basically family. She's like a sister. She has a house key and a bed here. My siblings and I think of her like a sister. she's 2 years younger than me, and is in her first year of grad school. So, really, she's family. Anyway, she was over all day so that was nice. She has been over all day every day pretty much this week, and we all love having her here.

My family (including the girl from the above paragraph) went to dinner and a movie tonight. Half of us saw IT'S COMPLICATED and half of us saw AVATAR. We had a great time at dinner, and my parents were both tipsy which makes the conversation and the evening all the better :) (that wasn't sarcastic. I'm totally serious.)

My sister is sleeping on me right now, and it's sweet. We're in my brother's bed (he's in my bed). Her head is on my shoulder and she's clutching my arm, and she's sound asleep. Adorable. Also, my dog is by my feet. :)

She has a dentist appointment tomorrow; poor thing, she is soooo afraid of the dentist. My parents cannot deal. When I was in college, they used to purposely schedule her dentist appointmetns around my breaks so that I could take her. I was the only one who could get her to calm down and cooperate. One time, they had to put her to sleep so that they could do necessary dental work - that's how afraid she was.

My sister is totally gorwing up! She's getting sarcastic now - which is cute to see.

That's pretty much all I have to report today.

Below is the food of the day:

Breakfast: Cereal: 1 handful of Fiber One frosted mini wheats, a little bit of Fiber One “stick” cereal, ½ a banana, 1 spoonful of peanut butter

Lunch in a bowl that holds about 1 cup volume, I put half brown rice, lentil, pea, carrot, onion mixture and filled the rest of the bowl with kale, red pepper, sweet potato, carrot, celery, onion, corn mixture topped with a layer of sprinkled full-fat asiago cheese.

(there is no over thinking here. I simply reminded myself it’s okay to eat a second meal even though I’ve been sedentary today. There has not been any calorie counting. It’s not hard to not calorie count; I don’t want to calorie count. I added the cheese because I thought it would taste better that way.)

Snack a cup of fruit (watermelon, pineapple, raspberries, pomegranate seeds), 4 almonds, 4 cashews, 2 pistachios, 2 peanuts

(this snack was out of hunger. I felt like I could have eaten an entire dinner right then).

Dinner at PF Chang’s: ½ of side of brown rice (about half cup or three-fourths cup) + 2 bites of chicken + about 4 or 5 bay shrimp with the sauce wiped off as much as possible (because it was gross) + 3 bites of tofu

(The dinner did make me anxious and worried. More so than normal lately. I didn’t like the dinner either.)

Snack 2 saltines with a tiny bit of PB spread on them + a small bowl of watermelon + about 2 spoonfuls of ice cream

(satisfied. I was hungry.)

Thoughts: Today was, overall, a good day. Behaviorally, it was good. I had 3 meals, an afternoon snack, and an evening snack. I suppose I know lunch and dinner were both on the small side. I did not exercise. I did not count calories. I chose food based off craving and also based off what I knew I needed to fill me up (ex: I only added protein to dinner because I knew that if I just ate carbs, I would be hungry later. Also, I added cheese to lunch because I knew my lunch was lacking fat and the cheese would make it taste better anyway). I also had a good variety of foods. Mentally, today was good - but there were some disordered thoughts going on. Mostly I'm referring to the anxiety I felt after dinner. But it passed just fine and it didn't ruin my evening or anything. I was aware it was irrational anxiety, and it went away. I also had to do some conscious reminding myself that it's okay to eat enough food and some conscious reminding that I'm not trying to diet or lose weight. Overall though, I know I made good choices today, and I feel good about the day as a whole.