My body from a coworker's eyes

UPDATE: I wrote my last post while I was at the frozen yogurt store, before my coworker came in. My thirty-something year old coworker (a female - a very, very naturally skinny female. She is 3 inches taller than me and approximately 20 - 25 pounds less than me. I know her weight because she told me today in our conversation. It came up naturally.) came in, and, after talking to me for about 5 minutes said: "What's wrong? I'v never seen this Laura before. Where's the regular Laura?" I apologized and tried to snap out of it. I had my computer open and she happened to see that I had my blog up, and she happened to see the title. So she said, "Oh, are you having body issues?" I basically admitted that, yes, I was. She is SUPER SUPER honest (she will tell someone if she thinks they suck at life) and also SUPER SUPER NOT AT ALL judgmental (very good listener). She has knowns me since June. She told me that I have looked the same size to her from June till now (which is interesting to me because my eating habits have been wildly different from June to Now, depending on the month). She also said she would characterize me as normal looking - not skinny and not fat - normal. She told me that she's characterize me as athletic looking - not curvy. (I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt today). She told me that she would guess I was xxx pounds, which is about 10 pounds less than I probably really am. She told me that she thinks my weight looks good on me, and I don't look like I'd look better with more weight - nor do I look like I'd look better with less weight. She asked me what size of clothes I wear; I told her. She reminded me that is a fine size. The most interesitng thing she said to me, though, was this: She said, "Do you think you are smaller, the same as, or bigger than ___[insert another employee's name]___? My answer was, instantly, "Bigger!" And I wasn't lying. My coworker honestly looked shocked and said, "Are you serious? Can you say that with a straight face?" She told me that, according to her, I was not just smaller than this particular other worker, but I was "much smaller." She told me that the other coworker has a butt and arms and legs, and I apparently "don't." Then she said that, the other coworker carries it well, looks good, and still does not look overweight or chubby or fat. She said that she would place the other coworker who is supposedly bigger than me in the "normal" category (as opposed to the "skinny" or the "fat" category. This is the same category she placed me in.) Then she asked the same question about how I would compare my size to a different coworker. This time I said that we're probably bout the same size. She informed me that she'd guess the other girl weighted 20 - 30 pounds more than me. She also told me she thought that other coworker was probably overweight. And she told me that "wow, you are really not seeing this right if you truly believe you are the same size as that other worker." Finally, she asked me how I'd compare myself to a third coworker. I said that the other girl was smaller than me - for sure. I wasn't lying. I really do think that. I've actively thought that bfore while workign with her. I've thought about the fact that this other coworker in particular is bigger than some of the other teeeny girls who work here, but still small, fit looking, thin-ish, and much smaller than me. To my surprise, the coworker I was working with tonight told me that she would say that I am either a tiny bit smaller than the aforementioned coworker or the same size. She said that we might weigh the same, but our bodies are different. She said the other girl looks more "soft" and "curvy" and I look more "boxy" and "boy-ish" and "athletic." I know this sounds like a horrible conversation to be having - horrible and shallow, etc. I pretty much never ever talk about body or looks in public to people. But, well, this is the conversation I had today. Kind of like how I'm on some quest to figure out how people are "healthy" and "normal" at the same time... and I'm on some quest to figure out what normal eating looks like.... I guess I'm also on some quest to understand my body. When I ask "am I fat?" (which I never ask acutually), I'm not fishing for compliments... I'm looking for the truth. I don't know if this conversation made me feel better about my body or anything, but it did make me realize how this other girl sees me.

This coworker today asked me what my goal was. She goes "So is your goal to be super skinny?" And I said "no," and I wasn't lying. So then I thought "hmm... what is my goal." I told her, "Um, I guess my goal is to be at a weight that suits me, that is healthy for me, that looks good on me. I don't care if I'm not skinny (and that is the truth). I guess I just want to be at the weight that looks right on my body." My coworker said, "Well today's your lucky day because I'm here to tell you your wish has come true.

What I like about this coworker's feedback is that she's not afriad of triggering my ED. She told me I'm not skinny. She told me I'm normal. She told me I'm "boxy" and "boyish" (I don't take either of those as insults.) I trust her eyes and her words.