Massive attempt to figure it out

Dear Jane,

I’m at this point where I’m realizing I’m blocking off emotions, thoughts, and parts of life because talking about them, dealing with them might be hard. I think I wanted to get away with being able to eat being the end of it. Look, I can eat, I’m done. Lately, I’m close to these feelings. They come close to the surface and when I allow myself to engage in them, I have a melt down. I feel sad a lot, I feel like retreating into myself and focusing on hunger, and just making no movements and disappearing – but I quickly snap out of it, stop thinking about everything, become present with the people around me, and am genuinely happy. I’m doing well enough that it’s easy to disguise it. I am generally happy, I usually eat well, I’m not as taken down by eating disordered thoughts and temptations, and my eating is easier to control now. Now, though, I feel something (not sure what but I’m going to try to articulate it), and something is telling me I can’t just push these feelings away. Something is telling me that they are a big cause of the eating issues. Something is telling me that I must confront these thoughts that hang out just slightly below the surface because, whether I want them to or not, they’re getting closer and closer to the surface. I must confront them and work through them as opposed to pushing them away because I don’t even know how to push them away anymore. Plus, I know that, ultimately, if I can deal with the various things I’m thinking, I’ll be so much more independent, confident, at ease, capable, etc. in the end. I’m being vague, but I’m going to try to articulate more what I mean here.

In our last session, you asked me what I want. I don’t even remember how the conversation started or why the topic came up, but I have been avoiding having this sort of conversation in here.. When I didn’t want to tell you (or myself, or anyone) what I wanted in my future, you asked me if it was because I thought I wouldn’t or couldn’t get it. You don’t know this, but I couldn’t answer that question because – surprising to even myself – I knew I was going to cry if I opened my mouth so I just said a few quick words to avoid tears. I didn’t expect that reaction. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and I never would have predicted that. All I know is that I had to pick between talking honestly and probably crying or silence, shrugging, and subject-changing. I chose the latter.

But talking about what I want, admitting I want things, and working to design my own life is something I need to deal with it. I know I need to deal with it because: 1) it creates a lump it my throat and that means something, 2) I avoided this topic this summer by regressing more into the eating disorder, 3) I have skipped meals in the last 2 days and, right now, this morning, as I write this, I’m very hungry and yet I want to just retreat inwards and feel sad and hungry all day long – not eating anything. (is this just a coincidence? Or is this me trying to avoid again? Somehow these 3 things make me feel like it’s important to face whatever feelings come along with wanting things and thinking about the future.

You don’t know this either, but, in the last few or several days, I oscillate between feeling 2 things: 1) a fear-of-life-I-don’t-know-how-to-make-the-right-choice funk where I feel paralyzed and like a failure; 2) Not thinking about life, being light hearted, giddy, giggly, and happy. I laugh and smile frequently, but I also cry more easily than what is usual for me in the last little bit. Usually when I cry it’s because I just want to make the right decision (in my parents’ eyes; in your eyes; in friends’ eyes), and I don’t know what the right decision is. These decisions range from minor to more major: should I go home for Christmas? Should I apply for a job? People seem to believe in me, but I don’t know if I can really live up to the way people seem to see me.

I can think of all the ways that I’m a failure. People seem to believe in me despite these things, but they shouldn’t. I don’t check my mail frequently enough, I don’t look at my bank account frequently enough, I don’t take my trash out, I am not productive enough, I don’t change the oil in my car, I am not spending any effort moving forward even though people think I am – and the effort I do spend, in the back of my mind, is just a façade. I realize most of what I wrote here are pretty trivial things, but still, if I were a thriving “real” person, I’d be able to accomplish these day-to-day tasks.

This is why lately I feel like it might be better if no one knew me or no one liked me. If I just lived by myself, never talking to anyone. Then I wouldn’t have to let anyone down. I’m afraid that I won’t e able to create the life that others believe I am good enough to have. And, the scary thing is, I’m starting to believe I’m good enough to have it too (Which takes all excuses away and gives me no reason to not strive for it -um, scary!) I’m starting to believe that I am allowed to seek after the same things that other people want to seek after too. If, just like every one else, I’m to think about myself in addition to thinking about others as I strive for a nice life, then the way I’ve always been thinking has just changed.

I just want to do well in the eyes of others. I want to do the right things. I get so paralyzed at the idea of being in charge of my own life choices, so worried that I’ll make the wrong choice, that I just make no choice. And everyone seems to think I’m a competent adult who is moving forward, but I’m just deceiving everyone because I’m not. I’m shying away from moving forward.

Why am I shying away?

1) I want to make the “right” choice, but I don’t know what the “right” choice is. I want other people to like my life choices, but I don’t want to compromise what I want either. And I haven’t yet really yet taken the time to think about what I want, so I feel rushed into choices based off what other people want. And I know that is not the way to go about it, so I just delay, procrastinate, because I don’t want to end up doing something I don’t want to do. I want to honor myself in my choices too.

a. A thought here: perhaps what other people really want is for me to just do what I want to do. Perhaps all other people want is for me to be happy, content, and living up to my potential – in other words, not selling myself short. Perhaps I don’t need to find the intersection of what other people want me to do and what I want me to do. Perhaps all I need to find is what I want me to do. Perhaps when other people throw ideas my way, these ideas are not mandates but, rather, brainstorms (just ideas) that take the place of my own lack-of-brainstorming about my own life.

2) I have come to question what I am capable of handling, and I don’t know if I could handle a hard schedule, real responsibilities, and stress again.

a. In college, I handled all my responsibilities, but I restricted my food and constantly checked my body. If I were to do college again, would I be able to handle all of my responsibilities and my packed schedule and eat normally too? What if the answer is no? What if I’m only able to feel free from these eating issues with a relaxed life? I feel so much better now that I can’t get myself to increase the intensity of my life because I am scared I’ll struggle with food again – and struggling with food and body is so horrible. Now that I’ve taste what it’s like to not struggle with food and body, I have a hard time risking anything that might cause me to slip back.

b. The last two years – teaching – were so hard. So hard I can’t even explain. More hard than I ever told you in here. More hard than I ever told anyone (probably including myself). I am a different person post-teaching than I was pre-teaching. While teaching, I feel like I lost my personality, my child-like joy for living. While teaching, I could only improve my food so much and, even with improved behaviors around food – my mind was never at peace with my food or body.

c. Then, this summer, I didn’t do anything teaching related. I rode my bike and served frozen yogurt. I felt happy and relaxed for the first time in 2 years. I got a taste of my old spirit. That prompted me to quit my job and not return to teaching. The several months have been….. amazing. I feel like I have rediscovered my personality, my core, my self, my spirit. I haven’t had this easy of a time with food in 6 years. I haven’t felt this comfortable in my body in who knows how long. I feel better about myself. I don’t feel like I have to hide from the world sot that the world can be relieved of my presence anymore. I feel energized by the world and glad an eager to be in it. Yet, my life is pretty much completely stress free right now. Yeah, there’s financial stress, etc. But I have very few responsibilities, very few chances to feel like a failure. Every day almost, I have long, relaxing, free mornings where I can sleep until 9am if I want, then get a long run in, then shower and get on with my day. The last two years, I woke up at 4:47am every day. 9am is like… a new world. My afternoons and evenings are usually busy, but my body doesn’t feel the chronic stress, the chronic adrenaline that it felt every day for the last 2 years. Literally, EVERY SINGLE day the last two years, I just lived with this constant flow of stress and adrenaline pumping throughout my body. And now, even though I’m busy, my body is relaxed. My mind is relaxed. I work with incredible kids 1-on-1, 2-on-1, or 3-on-1. I LOVE the kids. I LOVE THE KIDS. And I serve frozen yogurt. I mean, kids in small numbers and frozen yogurt? That’s an easy life! And very enjoyable too.

d. I’m afraid that if I move forward in life, my life will intensify, my responsibilities will grow, and I won’t be able to handle it. I’m afraid my eating issues will act up and I’ll lose this newfound relationship with food and this newfound eating confidence. I’m afraid that I’ll lose myself, my personality, and my spark. I’m afraid I’ll turn into an adrenaline-, stress-, and fear-filled zombie who chronically feels frozen around food and guilty. What if I can’t do real life? What if I can’t maintain this spirit and this food intake and life a real life?

But even though I’m afraid, I want to intensify my life, and I want to be a real person. I want some responsibilities, and I want to feel like I can handle them. I want to be able to have some responsibilities without losing myself and while still maintaining some balance. I want responsibilities, but I still want time to eat and relax.

I want to feel like a real person. Most days, I don’t feel like a real person. I feel somehow different from everyone. Like, every once else can celebrate the holidays, but somehow I’m not really connected to society and I don’t even consider celebrating holidays. Everyone else can decide to do things, can design their day, can make choices and seek after activities or opportunities, but I should just stand to the side and hold the door open for everyone.

I think though, I might be wrong. I’m realizing I am like everyone else. In the adventure of life, I can do more than just bring everyone else their gear. I can do more than just constantly check to make sure I’m not in anyone’s way. I can do more than try to guess what people want me to do next. Rather, I am a participant in this life adventurer too – not just an observer. My whole life, I have always shrugged my shoulders, smiled, and claimed to have no opinions or preferences beyond making life easier for other people. Maybe everyone else has always assumed that I am an equal life participant, able, at any moment, to express opinions and preferences and make choices with myself in mind. Or, the alternative, and this might be true, is that everyone else has come to expect that I’ll do anything, that I’m just extremely easy going, that I’m willing to do whatever is needed. But if that is how people see me, it is only because that is how I have also seen me and, thus, that is how I have taught people to see me.

I’m changing the way I see me. I’m seeing myself as an active participant in life – an equal participant in life. If everyone else is allowed to decide they want to do x, y, or z, I am allowed to say “I want to do x and y, but not Z and instead I want to also aim for A.” The concept of being able to come up with my own dreams and own preferences and decisions and have them be “right” simply because they are what I want/need… and not worrying about if other people will think I’m making the right choice vs. a silly choice….. The idea that I have a say in my life….. This changes my whole outlook. This changes my whole life. It changes everything. This is a major change.

It’s a major change to realize that I have the right to want things. It has been ingrained in me since I was such a little kid that I was someone who didn’t ever need things.
-I didn't need birthday parties
-I didn't need to say which color of cup I wanted
-I didn't need a pillow to sleep
-I didn't need to rest when injured in gymnastics
-I dind't need to rest when sick
-I didn't need to have my way.

This change in the way I see my role in life has the tendency to scare and overwhelm me. My previous reaction has just been to go inward and aim for hunger. (hello, this summer) That’s kind of my reaction now, to be honest.

But now I am like: Oh! Oh my gosh! I’m in life and I’m allowed to be here. And I’m a player in life just like every one else. And –oh – wow, I’m here. Okay, let me try to play too. And I think I can play. I have higher self esteem now, and I do truly believe I am capable of successfully playing the game of life. Of course there will be failures and disappointments, but, overall, I am a competent person.

I am stronger now. It is reasonable to believe in myself. It is reasonable to believe that I can actively participate in the adventure of life. It is even feasible now for me to believe that I can have opinions as to how this adventure called life should play out. It is now feasible for me to believe that I can have opinions, dreams, goals, articulate them, and seek them out. These opinions, dreams, goals can be purely mine. They can be what will satisfy me. I am not a horrible, selfish person – so my dreams will not be dangerous to society or anything. My goals and desires are fine. I don’t need to have them approved by anyone. And, if I don’t achieve them, that is okay too. And, if I change my mind about them, that is also okay. I am ready to be true to myself and honor myself. I have confidence that, if I honor myself, that will be my way of honoring society too.

I have just realized all of this.

So now, I have to think about what I want. I don’t think it’s selfish to think about what I want. Is it? Do other people (who are not selfish) think about what they want? I don’t want to end up being an arrogant, selfish bitch.


(hang on – I’ve been avoiding eating a meal for about 4 hours now. I need to go eat a meal. I’m tempted to fall into my old pattern of avoiding life by focusing on hunger, but if that ends up taking over me, then I’ll have to delay life again to deal with learning how to eat. And that is not worth it. This is what I have to get rhough and get over. So I have to eat even though I don’t want to… brb. I find it interesting though that as I start to think a/b this topic of moving forward in life, needing things, wanting things, having the right to need things, it is soooo compelling to focus on hunger and not eat all day long. I am eating as I write this at the moment, and I my first thought was to feel like a failure because it’d be better if I didn’t eat all day. I know this is wrong though. The meal actually tastes really good. I was so hungry.)

But – fear aside that I might accidentally become selfish – I am ready to start dreaming and not shy away from dreams. In fact, I think it’s necessary in order to help me guide my next direction in life. So, here is a list – a start – about what I want. It’s just off the top of my head, and it’ in no particular order. Most of these things I have never admitted to. It feels selfish and embarrassing to admit to them. I (think) I want:

-kids to be in my life. Working with kids? Kids of my own? Both?
-relaxing evenings
-time to treat myself well by making a meal I enjoy every day.
-I want a family.
-I would like to be married one day.
-I want to be a leader of a group of people
-I used to be drawn towards working on the macro level (communities, policy), but now I’m drawn towards working on the micro level (individuals, families)
-I want to not live pay check to pay check
-I want to be a mentor to someone/some people
-I want to teach, guide, lead, mentor
-I might be interested in getting non-profits to operate the way the corporate world operates (driven by strategy, backwards planning, data, results, goals, measurements). Does this mean I’m interested in non-profit consulting?
-I want to have a balance between work and play. I’m partly scared to intensify my work life because I am scared of losing play.
-I want to have people in this time zone that I can call regularly. I talk with people on the phone a lot but nearly everyone is on the east coast.
-I want to do real people things: like watch sports and bake cookies and go to local events and watch movies and decorate for holidays and date.
-I want to ultimately have enough money to travel and, if I have kids, to be able to adequately provide for them.
-I am interested in working with people with eating disorders to show them that I believe that they, too, can get to a point where they are motivated to not have an eating disorder. I don’t believe that anyone is truly motivated to keep having an eating disorder – some people are just deep in it that motivation is too much to ask for. Once they start to make progress, the motivation will kick in.

Well, now that I’ve started to make the list, I guess I don’t really know a whole lot about what I want. Maybe I should also try to figure out what I am interested in.

I am interested in:
-how humans experience life and how they can improve their experience
-mental health
-kids
-trampolines
-cooking
-running
-running again
-things that are funny/humor
-writing
-brainstorming?
-improving kids’ experience in school?
-Spanish
-showing people I believe in them even when they don’t believe in themselves (Because, I really do believe in the good and the potential in everyone. Mean people and bad-behaving people don’t want to be the way they are; they are just hurt).

Well, this is enough for now… At the beginning of writing this, I had a lump in my throat. At the end, I am calm and smiling.

I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s okay to want things, admit to goals.

I also have to realize that my whole life is not riding on every decision. I just make the best decision I can in the moment, and no decision is ever permanent. I can’t have the perfect life in an instant – or ever. But I can do my best to aquire the types of experiences I want. Because I’m not used to doing this, it’ll take some umph, but I think I can do it. I think I’m ready.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Laura