A day of dejavu and reflections

Today I saw the movie INVICTUS with my brother and sister. My brother did not like it at all. I liked it a ton. My sister had no strong opinion one way or the other. It's about Nelson Mandela's use of rugby in South Africa as a way to break the cycle of fear between white and black South Africans. Nelson Mandela constantly referred to one of his favorite quotes in the movie, and I immediately thought of you all. The quote was:

I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.

I thought that quote is so meaningful to so many people. IT is so empowering too! Ig also give you a lot of personal responsibility, which can be scary. But if you try not to focus on the scary part and you try to focus on the empowering part, it can be a really inspiring quote. It can give you the courage to do the right thing to recover from an eating disorder. Or it can give you the courage to call a friend and initiate plans.... or to apply for a job... or to quit a job.... or to go to the gym... or to stay away from the gym. It just makes you realize that you really are in the driver seat of your own life. Doesn't mean it's easy, but it does mean there's hope.

After we saw the movie, this hilarious moment of dejavu happened. In the movie, you see Mandela's prison cell. That triggered some memory for me of a time when I saw someone's prison cell. I THOUGHT ti was Mandela's that I saw, but I've nver been to South Africa so it couldn't have been. I just had this vague memory of being with a group of friends, and we saw someone's cell. I remember one of us got the key to open the cell. I remember that the cell was of some African American Peacemaker type person. I remember that someone was black and they were acting like they were more touched by seeing the cell because they were black and it was the cell of an African-American. I remember someone else was super annoyed that that person was acting like they appreciated it more. Thing is... I could not piece this memory together! Who was I with? Where was I? Whose cell was it? I was telling this to my brother and sister, in hopes they could help me remember. My sister goes, "Wasn't that an AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL episode?" And I go "oooooh yeah!!!!!!" My brother nearly crashed the car he was laughing so hard when it was uncovered that I was mistaking AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL for MY LIFE!!!!! Pretty hilarious.

I walked with my sister to lunch today. I made her walk with me. She ended up with a huge blister on her heel (my bad!). And it was raining, so we arrived at the restaurant fairly wet. Good thing my sister loves me and can laugh about it with me. Anyway, the walk was fun.

Here's food/thoughts for the day: I think I learned some helpful things today. I've been feeling a lot of food-related anxiety around dinner time and in the evening lately, but I think I figured it out. I think I had some pretty good reflections. And I just need to act on them now tomorrow.

Behaviorally: today was a lot better than yesterday. Tracy would tell me I did not eat too much (even though I am questioning it). She would say it all evens out, and that I needed it. She would say that, going off of feelings, I was hungry every time I ate and I as never overly full so it's not too much food. I had 3 meals and 3 snacks. I didn't count calories, but I know for sure I probably had about 2 x (or even more) as many calories as yesterday.

Areas to improve: EAT MORE FOOD AT LUNCH. I was just in this constantly hungry state all day long despite eating breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack. This was not one of the days when I dared to let myself get fuller. Perhaps I will truly try that tomorrow?

Mentally, however, I did feel a lot of anxiety before/after dinner and into the evening. I don't feel guilt because I know that, theoretically, according to Tracy (and I believe tracy), my body can handle food - even a bit more food. Also, I know I didn't eat nearly enough yesterday, so I know the hunger is carrying over. So I don't feel guilty about eating today, but I do feel anxious. I just keep looking for justification that eating is okay. The anxiety made me less present in life. Instead of listening to what was going on around me, I was in my head listing the foods I've eaten over and over again, trying to find a way to think about the food that calmed me. I was unsuccessful though. The weird thing is, I don't find myself feeling calmer until I eat enough. Like now, I just finished eating a bigger evening snack, and my anxiety is gone. The food sort of cleared my mind.

Red flags: I noticed myself slipping into a place where I am starting to only feel comfortable with hunger and restriction... a place where I'm worrying more about eating.... a place where I'm worried "I'm about to mess up," whatever that means. I notice myself being attracted to the idea of hunger. I think the reason I'm starting to think this is because I am hungry (really hungry) too often. I think if I increase the amount of food I have, it will clear my head. This is one of those "food is medicine" moments. I think this also has to do with self-induced pressure. It also has to do with me being comfortable with good feelings and doing well. So, I'm just reminding myself not to self-sabotage. Awareness can be empowering. At least I'm aware.

Next steps: I need to eat more. I think part of the reason I'm having increased anxiety is because I'm keeping myself too hungry all day long. When I stay too hungry, I feel more anxiety when I start to eat. Getting too hungry triggers some sort of fear-of-eating part of my brain. To avoid having that triggered, I need to eat more. I just ate a seriously substantial "snack" (i.e., meal) just before 10pm out of hunger. I let myself eat until I was truly satisfied. My hope is that this will help me not wake up so ravenous tomorrow. (I have been waking up sooo ravenous that I feel like I'm going to be sick or something) That, in turn, will help me not be in a state of constant emptiness tomorrow, which, in turn, will help me feel less anxious.

And here's the actual food:

Breakfast at 9:45am: 2 slices whole wheat bread topped with unmeasured amount of smart balance “butter”, 1 whole egg and 2 egg whites
•I experimented with putting smart balance on my bread, but I think it’s unnecessary. It doesn’t really improve the taste unless I’m eating the bread alone. Next time, I’ll leave it off.
•I woke up ravenous again. Yes, I know this means I can afford to eat more the day before.
•I did count calories for this, but I didn’t second guess it or anything. I didn’t feel anxious or guilty.
•I also knew I’d still eat lunch seeing as I STILL felt like my stomach was going to eat my face off even after I ate this! It is not normal to feel this hungry after eating a breakfast like this, is it?

Exercise: Walk 6.4 miles to restaurant

Lunch at 12:50 at a restaurant: 1 bowl of vegetable soup and either real curry or some curry spice (it was brothy though, not thick)
•Could have eaten more because I was still hungry after lunch

Snack at 3pm Small (two bites) piece of cinnamon coffee cake with a bit of PB spread on it.
•Was very hungry for this.

Exercise: Walk 5.7 miles

Dinner at mall food court at 5:30pm: Turkey sandwich on foccacia with sun dried tomato mayo and 1 slice of cheddar
•There was a lot of second guessing going on with this
•I did feel anxious afterwards
• I kept review in my head what I had eaten throughout the day, trying to justify it
•I would have preferred to just not eat.
•I felt like there was a wall between me and eating again.

Snack at 10pm: 1 chocolate chip cookie + 1 bowl of Go Lean Cereal
•Was still feeling anxious
•I was just hungry and then decided, ultimately, I think it’ll be helpful to not wake up so hungry tomorrow.. I wasn't craving this... this was just fast and easy to eat. I think when I keep myself at this constantly a lil’ hungry state, I end up more anxious around food. The only way to get past this is to eat. So I ate until I felt full. I still felt anxious. But I tried to relax, just knowing that tomorrow will be an easier day.
•I do feel anxious but not guilty.

Im coming across like i'm struggling more than i actually am. it's just that i'm getting more anxiety around dinner... and i think that's a result of not watning to "mess up" and also a result of showing up to dinner too hungry in the first place. ED thoughts are not taking over my day though... today they just took over during dinner and the twenty min after or so.