Something's hugging my heart (D.D. 45)

I feel like I haven't noticed the Holiday season since high school. In college, I was all wrapped up in my school work and my tiny college community all the way up until Christmas Eve. Post college, I was all wrapped up in my classroom and my students to notice the Holiday season. I have the ability to funnel my energy into one thing and go to town. It is with this energy that I taught, that I was a college student, etc. I also have the tendency to not care about the quality of my life and just work to achieve and to please. This has been at the cost of me living like a real person. No wonder I eventually burnt out.

I am not kidding you when I tell you I haven't heard Christmas Music in the days/weeks leading up to Christmas since high school. Or when I tell you I haven't noticed holiday lights since high school. Or when I tell you that I have never considered decorating for Christmas since high school.

I'm not kidding when I tell you that, 2 years in a row, groups of people that I knew all took a 3-day weekend to go to Lake Tahoe to stay in a cabin together and go skiing.... and, although invited, never went because I was too fat and not a good enough teacher to deserve to go anway. I opted to stay behind, not get that much lesson planning done, and be alone.

This year is starting to feel different. I am feeling more connected with the world. This is, of course, largely because I don't have a full-time job anymore. It's also largely because I am so much more normal now in regards to food thoughts/behaviors. This leaves room to actually SEE what's around me. And, when I do go back to being a full-time student or a full-time employee, I will work to keep myself connected with the world.

My ED started in the second half of my freshman year of college, just after diving season ended. I don't know what caused my decline in level of life participation - was it college? was it my temperment? was it my eating disorder? I'm not sure. I don't mean to give the impression that I didn't love college, because I did - I really did. People tell me all the time "oh your sophomore year and junior year sucked" (because that's when my ED behaviors were the most extreme). When I decided to get help senior year, more than one person cried and, one friend said, "You're going to get your life back."

But I look back and wonder, "Did life suck? Had I actually lost any meaningful life? Because I remember having a lot of fun, too. I remember being in plays and loving them. I remember laughing with friends. I remember cracking up in the basement of the library. I remember going to a capella concerts and improv shows."

Then something will strike me.... "oh yeah, I also remember crying in the shower on cue every Saturday morning (why SAt?) because I was so hungry but wouldn't eat. Oh yeah, I remember lying to my friends about when/where I ate. Oh yeah, I remember being freezing and not being able to pay attention in class because all I could think about was huger, coldness, and the fact that the seat was uncomfy. Oh yeah, I remember having to coach myself through the day "just breath, just breathe, just breathe." Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah..."

The point is, people say "Eating Disorders suck the life out of you!" Okay, true, life is better without an eating disorder. At the same time, I wasn't a miserable zombie when I was my most eating disordered. Yes, I was hungry and shaky and unpresent... but I was also in lots of plays and campus movies... and I also still enjoyed my political science study group.... and I also still attended poli sci lunch table... and I also..... well, I was going to write that I also still had friends.... and I did... but then one day I screamed and cried at them to believe me that nothing was wrong and our friendship went on hold for a while. I was going to write that I also loved my dance class... but I didn't.. I was too hungry to dance and my teacher pulled me aside one day to talk to me about 'getting healthy."

Undoubtedly, life is better without an ED. But did the ED really ruin my life? Was i really that unhappy? What happened?

Lately I find myself confused: Why did my ED start? Did I actually have an ED or am I making all of this up? If I did have one, how did it affect me? What did I lose as a result of it? What did I gain? Why did I call Tracy - what was I feeling then that caused me to finally reach out for help? I look back and remember that I was so thankful for a meal plan and I wonder why I needed a meal plan - why couldn't I just eat? Something must have been wrong for me to not be able to at all figure out how to eat on my own, right? Why did I agree to go to therapy eventually? Did I need to be in therapy? Do I need to be in therapy? Jane always refers to how much worse I was when she first met me. Last appointment she talked about how much worse I was a year ago. Was I really worse? And how am I now, In the present? I looked at a list of goals I had made with Jane about 6 months ago, and I realized I've met them all.

Jane wants me to make a chart that documents my life from a young child until now. She wants it to document the introduction, increase, decline, and elimination of eating disorder behaviors. She also wants me to include on the chart anything that sticks out about life, ways I felt about myself, interests I had, things I thought defined me. It's a good exercise; it'd probably help me get some clarity. Jane told me in my last appointment that one reaction that people have when the 'get better' is that they start to go into denial about the past. "Oh, yeah, that never happened. That was weird. I was just remembering everything wrong. Okay, moving on...." She tells me that that's the reaction I'm starting to have. She also tells me it's a dangerous reaction. I don't know, but I am sort of confused about it all. I will make the chart.

Either way, whatever happened in my life, I do know that somewhere alone the way, I lost a childish joy for living. I am beginning to feel like I have that childish joy within reach again - it's not totally back, but, in moments, it visits me again. Somewhere alone the way, I started living completely in my head, too aware of my body. Somewhere alone the way, I was so zoomed in on my own responsibilities (extra curriculars, papers, exams, assigned reading, plays, organizations, teaching, students), that I lost site of my environment and I stopped developing a rich life. Somewhere along the way I started doing things just to complete them or to serve others - but never to enjoy life.

And, as a result, I had a very narrow view of my existence in the world. My existence was to lesson plan - not to go apple picking. My existence was to clean my classroom and find the perfect props for an upcomign lesson - not to go to the mall and see the kids sitting on Santa's lap. I stayed at home on weekend nights because I was too fat to go outside and, anyway, I had too much work to do -- so I don't even know if people around me put up holiday lights. I was too fat and afraid of food and, plus, I had too much to do to accept invitations from people who could have potentially turned into friends.

But this year...... this year is a little different.

I feel something and I can't explain it. It feels like pressure in the middle of my heart. It feels like something is hugging my heart so tightly that I don't even know what to do with myself.

What's causing this heart-hug?

Well, I think it's that I feel more connected to the world. I feel a teensy bit closer to feeling like I'm living at the edge of my face, instead of inside a little blackhole inside myself.

I see Christmas lights every time I step outside - and I notice.

I hear Christmas music most days - and I notice.

I run outside and not on the treadmill - most days - and I smile like a little kid - and I wave at fellow runners, and nod at drivers, and sometimes think about how lucky I am to have a working body.

And also... I just feel this overwhelming amount of care for people - strangers even. I feel so much understanding for people and their situations. I see strangers and I hope they're happy. I see a kid and I hope that he/she knows he/she is special. I see someone in a disadvantaged situation and I hope that they don't feel judged by the world. Today I heard someone make a racist remark, and I felt sorry for that person - if they were only taught and shown how to be more accepting of people, they would be! And I get an e-mail that one of my former students got in a big street fight, and I understand why he fought! And I hope the people who read the papers don't judge him but stop and think that, maybe, they too, would have fought if they had been bussed from foster family to foster family growing up and felt no sense of belonging or love.

I see the cashier at the grocery store and I want to tell him he's doing a great job.

I see the mail man and I want to do something to make his day.

And I feel a sense of being ready to move forward in life. I feel a sense of feeling nourished and ready to go again. And, this time, when I go, I need to remember the lessons I've learned from living life run down and worn out for the past years: I need to remember that I am ALWAYS allowed to participate in life. I need to remember that I am a PERSON... I AM A REAL PERSON!!!!... and I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN. I can have responsibilities AND have fun.

And I see my family and I hug them - I hug them without worrying. I used to stick my stomach out as far as possible when we hugged so they wouldn't worry. Then I sucked my stomach in as far as possible out of body shame. And, now, I don't worry about their bodies touching my body and realizing my size - whatever size that is..

And someone has an idea to go somewhere, do something - and my first thought is "YES!"... as opposed to "I'm too fat to go" or "I can't go because I'm not a good enough teacher" or "It's okay if I don't have fun in my life, so go ahead - I have stuff on my to-do list anyway."

Today, I watched football with my family. I haven't watched football since high school, but I grew up watching it regularly. I love the sweatshirt wearing, diet coke sipping, television screaming, high-fiving, jumping up and down culture of watching football. Watching football is something that makes me feel like a real person - someone knowing what is going on in the world and participating. Today, I felt like I was living at the edge of my face when I was watching the football game.


(this is totally random, but both of my grammas were anorexic. The one who is still alive, is getting more anorexic again. Today she told me that she ate dinner for lunch. What did she mean by that? "I ate a whole sandwich for lunch!" A sandwich is "real food" and real food must not be consumed at lunch. Of course, this is like 1 slice of diet cheese on 2 slices of diet bread. I asked her what she had for dinner: a bunch of steamed asparagus and some spinach. Yup. She shares this stuff with me because she thinks I get it and, therefore, we can bond over it. I want nothing to do with it. Have I mentioned the fact that she looks way too skinny that it looks gross? I hope to God that I am not like that again when I'm older. She's in her 70s. Then, the gramma who just died... a lady who knew her well told me last week, "Well, anyone who knows your gramma knows that she has a pretty bad relationship with food." That gramma was 96 and people were commenting on her relationship with food. Please don't let anyone who knows me when I'm 96 think that I have a weird relationship with food.)

Decent Day 45!
FOOD

B: 1 egg, 2 egg whites scrambled and served on one dry piece oatmeal bread, toasted. On the side, one mini bran muffin

L: salad: lettuce topped with 3 slices deli turkey, 1 tablespoonful of full-fat ranch dressing, 1 slice of toasted otameal bread

S: 3 clementines + 1 saltine topped with 1/4 slice full-fat havarti cheese

D: 1 cup ( 8 or 9 oz) butternut squash bisque (probably pretty caloric. It was thick, creamy, and very sweet) + 2 strips of grilled chicken (about 6 bites total)

S: Some M 'n Ms (less than a handful, more than a few) + one bite of a brownie my family was sharing, one spoonful of creme brulee my family was sharing, and one spoonful of ice cream my family was sharing

thougthts:
-no calorie counting. I almost did and then, somehow, miraculously, it just seemed easier to not count. Counting seemed annoying and time-consuming.

-Was hungry before eating, but not ravenous. I'm not sure if I was hungry enough before eating. I'm just curious if people eat even when they're just a little hungry. Three thoughts on this: 1) Maybe I'm not always super aware of my level of hunger and 2) People don't skip meals even when they're not all that hungry. 3) Eating meals even when you're not that hungry is good so that your body stays in a rhythm of eating and trusts that you will continue to feed it - keeping your metabolism out of starvation mode.