Program Day 44

• I'm starting to think that I might be eating more in IOP than I was in PHP. Here's why: In PHP the only meal outside of program that I ate was breakfast. I had no control over what I consumed once in the program, so I always had a small breakfast b/c I had to save room for "all the food" that was to come. Thursdays were always hard days for me because I had breakfast with Tracy, which meant I had a bigger than normal breakfast + program food. Now that I'm IOP, it's my responsibility to eat. I'm not really letting myself cut back. I have meals - LOTS of meal - written on index cards, and I'm randomly selecting them, and I'm eating that. That means I'm kind of having a PHP Thursday every day. Today I ate a breakfast that I never would have eaten if I was PHP (when I'm locked into program lunch, etc.). But I've eaten index-card breakfasts both yesterday adn today. Why? Because I'm scared of slipping back now that i'm out of php, so I'm making myself use the index cards. Also, because there's just some ease that comes with knowing that I'm in control of the upcoming lunch. I could get out of eating lunch if I wanted. Knowing that I can get out of lunch if I want, makes it easier for me to not future trip about lunch, which makes it easier for me to eat the right sized breakfast. My point is, I think I'm actually eating the right sized everything the last 2 days of IOP. In PHP, I was not eating the right sized bfast or evening snack. (I said I could get out of lunch, but I really can't because I'm meeting an IOP friend for a picnic lunch).

• I pulled an index card for breakfast today. It said "300 cal of cereal + milk." Blah. Anyway, I ate it. I chose Raisin Bran Clusters (Trader Joe's brand). This cereal has flakes, raisins, and clusters. As I was eating it, I was nervous that I was actually eating more calories than I thought b/c what if in my particulat cup and a half of cereal there are more clusters to flake than normal? What if I got a cluster heavy bowl? Then I could be eating so many calories without realizing! I did start to get anxious, where I was more in my head and my intention to notice the taste kind of went out the window. I started to get the kind of anxious where I feel frozen and feel like I can't put anything else in me - including liquid - which sucked since I wanted my coffee and I was thirsty. But when I start to feel frozen like that, it's a really bad sign. From experience with this frozen feeling, I know that it's importnat to keep drinking water - even though my body thinks it can't fit anything else in it. It's also important to realize it's just anxiety grounded in unfounded, irrational thoughts. So, I drank/sipped my coffee and water afterward anwyay. I kept telling myself, "Laura, don't you want to know that you can eat cereal that has clusters and that your body can handle that? Don't you want to know if eating this bowl of cereal is okay? THe only way to find out if your body can handle this is to actually eat it." I want to know the answer to "Can my body handle clusters?" badly enough that I'm willing to be uncomfortable during breakfast to find out. I also told myself, "you feel like everything is out of control, but, actually, nothing is out of control yet. Nothing has gotten out of control. Nothing is actually out of control." And then I found myself worried a/b lunch: "Oh no, I'm not hungry for lunch. How will I ever eat lunch?" And I reminded myself to stay grounded in the present. Lunch is 4 hours away. I don't need to think a/b lunch. I shouldn't be hungry for lunch 4 hours ahead of lunch. So, I just brought myself back to the present. And then I tried to move the focus from my head to my body. What does my body have to say about that cereal?? Well, my body is full - not unzip your pants and fall down full. But full. I feel the food in me. Is this a bad feeling? No. Actually, I think maybe my body kind of likes feeling like this. In the world of food - your body knows best, not your mind. My body has NO problem with this breakfast - it's all in my mind. And, when it comes to eating, what's in your mind doesn't matter.

• I had an appointment with Jane today. What I've learned is that, I have to keep up my food intake in order for us to discuss "real" stuff. When my food slips, which is all of the time, we spend the whole appointment talking about eating and my thoughts behind that. When my food is "on track," which it is now, other stuff comes up for me, and we can talk about those things. Jane says that, as people get better, the original problems come back up. If that's true, I guess for me one of my original problems is wanting to please everyone but not being able to + being just really insecure, feeling like I'm a bad person and toxic to those around me. I told Jane how I was feeling: like I'm constantly doing the wrong thing without meaning to, like I'm constantly cringing at myself on the inside, like even though I try, I can't do anything right ever, like everyone would be happier if I didn't exist b/c then I would stop messing everyone up. She talked about how the solution to this isn't to try to please everyone b/c that's impossible. And the solution isn't "anorexia" either. I told her that I feel like the only solution is to move to another planet so I can stop doing things that are wrong. She said, "You did move to another planet. It was called Planet Eating Disorder. In Planet Eating Disorder, what's right is very clear. You do that and you can feel good about yourself. On Planet Earth, though, you don't have a stable sense of your worth and you are confused about what's right - so it's harder to feel good about yourself." We talked about how I can try to take people at face value. If they don't actually say they're mad at me, I can assume they're not. I don't know. I feel really stuck in this dilemma right now. I feel like I can't stop doing things wrong all the time. Even my food is "wrong." I mean, cereal with clusters?! That's what I let myself eat for breakfast?! I'm making fun of myself by saying that, but it's also truly how I feel... The ED part of me says, "If you're going to mess everything up, the least you could do is stuck to an acceptable breakfast!" But, see, this is me distracting myself from feeling like I'm a bad person by focusing on the rules for eating breakfast. Anyway, I'm rambling. I've never thought of myself as an insecure person... but I have never felt as insecure and paranoid as I do now. Never. And it sucks. I just want to not feel like I'm walking around, risking ruining people's lives all the time. I want to stop cringing at myself inside of myself. - Jane told me that when she sees people go through stages of "the original problem," she usually likes talking to them 2 or 3 times a week. She asked if I wanted to talk again. I said I'd be okay and that I'd just write about this. So, I'm giving myself the following writing assignments:

What does the insecurity feel like? What does the feeling of constantly doing the wrong thing feel like? What does the feeling of being toxic to humanity feel like?

How do those feelings manifest themselves in my body/behaviors/actions?

What is the purpose of needing to please? Is there some purpose that getting positive feedback from others (which confirms I've pleased them) serves?

If I were to consider that maybe people don't actually think I do the wrong thing all the time, what's the fear behind allowing myself to believe that that could be true?

Going forward, how do I plan to make decisions - decisions a/b how to spend my time, what to say, etc., etc., if I were to give up the notion of pleasing others?

Jane also asked me to buy and read the book The Dance of Anger.

one motivation I have to keep eating well is to allow Jane and I to work on this stuff. Jane says that she wants to work this and then, eventually, bring it to work on issues with intimacy. That would be great seeing as I have a lot of issues with intimacy. But the only way I'll get to do that work is if I keep eating.... otherwise, my hours spent in her office are spent eating.

• Before lunch, I was feeling frozen. And what happens when I feel frozen? I feel full. And what happens when I feel full? I feel like I can't drink and I fear the next meal. And then what do I do? I don't know how to talk to people or to like myself or to be happy because I feel trapped. So.... woah.... breath. This is how I felt today before lunch. Then I remembered something. The psychiatrist here told me, when I described this to him, that it sounded like my brain was being "stunned" with anxiety. So much anxiety that I just become paralyzed. So I considered that this might be what was happening. So I treated it as if I was anxious. I breathed. I calmed down. And then guess what happened? I felt hungry! I no longer felt frozen! I felt alive and back in my body again! WHAT I CAN NORMALLY ONLY ACHIEVE THROUGH SKIPPING THE NEXT MEAL OR THROUGH RUNNING, I ACHIEVED THROUGH MINDFUL AWARENESS AND BREATHING AND CALMING DOWN! That was really huge for me!

• I also had a thought about how I feel when I'm being paranoid and insecure and self-critical... feeling like I can do no right. The way I feel in my body is the SAME way I feel when I feel "fat" and like I ate too much. Just an observation.

• I met my IOP friend for lunch today. I ate the lunch. Quite enjoyable. A pre-made salad from trader joe's with currants and couscous and chicken, corn, red pepper, pecans, sweet basil dressing. I ate it, and I did have a bit of a hard time afterwards, but I told myself "I accept all calorie numbers" and "I am a person who eats more." And that helped.

• I also followed my thoughts through. I said Why are you afraid of eating this? Because I wasn't hungry. And what's wrong with eating when you're not hungry? I'll get too full. And what's wrong with being full? I might get fat.... except I've already proven to myself that that doesn't happen.... but what if it does happen? Well, then I would only gain like .0001 ounces from this salad, and, anyway, I don't value weight as much as I value how a person lives their life and the characteristics they have. and so and and so on. When you follow the thought through, you realize that the "worst that could happen" is usually unlikely and not that bad anyway. And the best that could happen (freedom from an eating disorder, trust in your body, not having your self-worth tied in with your hunger/fullness/calories) is pretty damn awesome.

• Lunch with my IOP friend was awesome though. No weird ruminating during lunch b/c we were chatting and laughing and chatting and laughing. It was wonderful!

• I really want to give myself a chance to find out that I really truly can eat 100% of what I'm supposed to eat, all of the time. I really want to give myself a chance to find out what life would be like when I trust my body. And so, I still ate my afternoon snack. 1/2 a banana and 1.5 tbspn of PB. And, somehow, I felt okay with doing that.

• When people go from PHP to IOP, we have a ceremony for them. I found out mine is on Friday. I am dreading it. I don't like all the attention. But I will get through it.

• A girl got their period back today in program and we had a "Menstruation Ceremony" for them. That was weird. But, with an open mind, I also see how it's kind of cool and it did make me think all these positive things about periods: uniting women, ability to give birth, ability to have the option to have a family, bone health, a sign from your body to remind you to take care of yourself and rest. It's neat.

• For dinner I was at the program, and I just totally had a freak out. We had fajitas. They sat me at the PHP table (ha! seriously)... I kept picking up the food.... and putting it back down. It wasn't even as if my mind was rationally telling me why I can't eat the food... it's just that, for some reason, I had such a strong emotional reaction. I just got so anxious and nervous that I frozen up. My hands felt numb. I just felt.... as if somebody had electrocuted my body or something. I was just... physically... stuck. I ate like 20% of my meal and then I just... couldn't move. Dinner finished, people were leaving the table, and my food was still in front of me. I just couldn't move. I felt like I couldn't even breathe I was so nervous. The IOP group therapy starts after dinner. They were starting while I was still sitting there. I told one staff member that I couldn't do it and I needed to "grace." (warning). So, frozen, I just got up and left the room. The other staff member followed me and said "Hi there. Couldn't help but notice your decision back there. Let's talk." And we stepped into the room. I told her that I'm eating more food than when I was in PHP b/c of my increase in breakfasts every day. I told her a/b how Thursdays used to be my hardest day b/c I had breakfast with Tracy... but now every day is a Thrusday b/c I'm eatin gTracy breakfasts every day. And I told her a/b how I didn't evne move enough today. And I listed to her everything I ate today. As I spoke, my teeth chattered I was so nervous. I told her that even a normal person wouldn't eat dinner right now b/c I'm not hungry. She told me that I was sooo nervous right now that all my hunger/fullness signals were getting blunted by anxiety. I told her I want to do this so badly but I just don't know what to do a/b the fact that I am soooooooo nervous to eat! I was just a bit unexpectedly out of control. My hands were shaking, my teeth were chattering. I asked her if, really, if she would eat dinner if she ate what I ate today. She told me to sit in the couch, and she sat next to me, and she told me that she is 5' tall (I'm 5'6''). She watcehed TV. She drove to work. she's been here all day. She will drive home. She will go to bed. She will not and has not exercised or done any excess walking. She said she had cereal with peanuts and milk for bfast and a cupcake b/c she had leftover cupcakes. For lunch she had leftover pizzza. In the afternoon she had a 300 cal promax bar + a breadstick. For dinner she just had what I had on my plate. And, when she gets home, she will ahve a slice of ice cream cake (it was her bday yesterday, that's why she has all these treats). She said she's 5' tall. She didn't move much today. And her body can handle all of that food. Hearing her tell me what she ate really put what I ate into perspective. She told me my body needs the food. She told me I need the food to repair my body from malnutrition but also to give my body what it needs for today. Then she helped me follow through my thoughts. I realized that the worst that can happen from eating dinner really isn't that bad, and the best that can happen is awesome. Then hearing her list to me what she ate was sooooo helpful. And so, she poured me 2 Ensures into a giant mug and sat with me for 30 min while I drank the ensures in place of my dinner.

• I'm so grateful for that staff member/therapist. I was just... I've been pushing my limits and really doing well even on IOP for the last couple of days and have just been really really pushing myself... I guess I just reached my quota. And I just froze in anxiety. And I am SOOO grateful that she calmed me down, reigned me in, and helped me by giving me the Ensure. I'm so glad she didn't let the ED win. As I left, I went up to her and gave her a huge hug. I thanked her. I told her I needed her tonight, and I'm SO thankful for her calming me down and helping me see straight.

• I did go to group therapy - just late - b/c I was drinking my Ensure - and in group therapy, at one point I was talking, and the lead therapist told me that she is so hopeful for me b/c I am so motivated and am clearly really putting a lot into the program. It made me feel so good to hear that b/c so often I worry that the staff thinks I'm not trying b/c I sometimes mess up.

• Now I'm a/b to drive home. a PHP friend is meeting me at my house and sleeping over. I will eat my evening snack.