day 29 and 30

• Writing about Day 29 and 30 at the same time... I just didn't feel like typing last night, and, honestly, I don't feel like writing right now either - but I want to document this process, so, briefly, here goes:

• I'm feeling embarrassed from all the attention I feel like I'm getting lately. I get attention because I am the client who always in in danger of taking too long and getting a warning - so I have all this attention on me during the meal time. People tell me to stop talking (so that I finish on time). People joke with me that my pacing is too slow. Every time I put my fork down someone mentions it. I think it's all a joke... but I don't know how to handle the attention. Then, yesterday, on the meal outing, I for some reason was feeling anxious at the table - I'm not sure why - I was surprised by that reaction. I guess my anxiety was evident b/c someone asked me what was going on, then someone else commented on my pacing, then I said "I'm fine," and no one believed me... but I basically was fine anyway... what made me not fine was all the attention a/b "how are you?" And I just didn't have an answer for anyone - and me not having an answer makes me feel awkward... and then, this morning, in family group, I got tons of attention. The clinical director put me on the spot - and my mom - and I just couldn't get rid of the attention. The only way to get rid of the attention is to give people the answer they want, but sometimes I don't' know what answer they want... and my reaction to all of this attention is to just stop... STOP talking, stop participating in the activity, stop eating... disappear. But that doesn't work. That just gives me more attention and then I feel the amped up feeling rising and there's nothing to do a/b it and then I worry that everyone else is worrying about me and I just want everyone to not worry about me or not pay attention to me.... and, "oh, breathe." And then at lunch I got attention form the staff b/c I accidentally didn't bring a fruit and then I felt bad that they had to put attention on me... and I wanted to explain to them that I had more pb but that would put more attention on me so I couldn't explain that, so I just didn't want to eat the Ensure they gave me but I had to in order to get rid of the attention.....but I knew doing it just to please was the wrong thing to do - so I just threw it away - and then, all of this just made me feel amped up, and I couldn't do the next activity when I felt amped up - but not participating in it puts attention on me. So, it's a struggle between doing what I want/need (and maybe that getting me attention) and pleasing others ( so that they feel good and so that they don't feel the need to put attention on me) I just want everyone to think I'm 100% fine - and I don't know how to make them think that sometimes...

• So, there was this amped up feeling around attention - attention due to slow pacing while eating, attention due to admitting that sometimes I feel anxious while eating, attention due to having to drink Ensure with my lunch (b/c the staff decided I need it), etc.

• But, the good thing is that, while that feeling made me have strong urges to throw my food away and run, I knew I don't have that option anymore, and so I ate.

• A lot of this is about practice - practice in eating. I may be learning things, but knowledge is not enough... I have to practice these new behaviors ... practice practice practice until they're easier and more natural.

• For some reason, after this week - this good but hard week, where I ate nearly 100% of my meal plan every day, where I DID NOT RUN OR WALK past my limited exercise plan, where I felt anxious and just had to deal with it, where I got attention in the program from the staff.... this week just drained me. And so, I'm done typing for now. I'll update again later.

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  • OKAY, IT COMES DOWN TO THIS: 1) I need to learn how to calm down without isolating myself to go write (I need to learn to calm down while in the midst of ppl too). 2) I need to accept that it's okay if people know I'm struggling - b/c that would, in and of itself, decrease my anxiety a lot - b/c I have a lot of anxiety around getting people to not worry a/b me... but if it was okay for them to worry a/b me... well, what ar elief that would be.