program day 23

I don't feel like saying much about today at program, so I really will keep it brief:

• I didn't want to eat today. I felt gross in my body. I was thinking bad things about myself. I had a hard time feeling present in the world and alive. I felt like the only way I could feel alive again was to move to another planet for 72 hours, eat no food, and then return or to just run for a very long time. Those were not options. I was countering all these thoughts and I was getting through the day... but it wasn't the most enjoyable day - until talking to a friend did cheer me up a lot.

• Today everyone got an assignment. We have to try some new coping skill b/w now and next week - and we got assigned which skill we have to try. EVERYONE had something assigned to them like journaling or writing down positive affirmations or ED Voice - Healthy Voice dialogues, etc., etc. Everyone had stuff that is laborious assigned to them EXCEPT FOR ME. I was told "You are working so hard we can't believe everything you're doing. Just stop for an afternoon and go get a massage. Your job is to give yourself a break and get a massage."

• I'm grateful for the awesomeness of some of the girls in the program. At the lunch outing, despite the fact that I didn't want to eat, I ordered something from my list that I made yesterday of foods to challenge myself with. I ordered an avocado and cheese omlette. I didn't eat much of it. The RD that I love told me I had to eat more. I told her I didn't want to. She told me I'd have to drink 2 ensures when I got back if I couldn't eat more. I got stressed out. She came over closer to me. We talked. She showed me how much more I'd have to eat. I agreed to eat. I knew not eating wasn't an option... I just didn't want to feel anything in me. Anyway, it was really obvious to the people sitting near me that I was obviously having a difficult time if the RD had to come personally talk to me. So this girl next to me, who had already finished her meal of a panini goes, "I'll just start saying inspirational quotes to you while you eat." And another girl goes, "While you do that, I'll just tell you jokes." So these 2 girls were just blabbing away with inspirational quotes and jokes. And I was cracking up. And I ate while laughing. And all was good. Then, talking to the girls on the way back in the car was really helpful. I felt a bit more alive after that. Then the RD thanked everyone for making the outing easy for her. I was like, "you're welcome.' And she was proud of me. And it's stupid... that I am so bad at eating that someone has to be proud of me for doing it.... but, regardless, it felt good to know she was proud.

• Human interaction is my lifeline. I can go so crazy deep in my head... but when I am talking with people, I get pulled out of my head and end up present and happy. Talking to people - not necessarily about the ED or food or anything... just talking - is such a good thing for me.

• After the lunch outing we had Food and Feelings Group. I didn't want to share. I said I had nothing to share. But everyone egged me on. I shared. I was honest. Not sure what the point was, but I did share.

• I had an annoying therapy session. It was not helpful at all. I feel like there's really no point in just articulating to her how bad I felt today and how much I want to restrict and run. I mean, I'm working through it. And I am getting through it. And the work I'm doign is working. There's no point in sharing with her. I really feel like I'm getting through this on my own. It feels like a chore to have to share with a therapist sometimes.

• After program, I got coffee with one of my favorite program friends for 3 hours - it was WONDERFUL. It totally lifted my spirits.

• Dinner was a fail. I came home and made it. But then my mom was just walking around in a semi-bad mood, making noise, putting dishes away... the TV was on... everyone was talking... and it just wasn't a peaceful feeling.... so I said, to myself, "Screw this. I can't eat when my environment feels rushed and not peaceful. And threw my dinner away."

• Program food today was: Luna bar as an am snack; some of the avocado/cheese omelette at a restaurant as lunch; 1/4 cup trail mix as afternoon snack.

• Program food yesterday was: Lunch: spinach salad with cranberries, gorgonzola cheese, chicken, dressing, a pear, and a roll. Snack: apple and 3 tablespoons almonds/cashews. Dinner: Turkey paninis with cheese, avocado + split pea soup.

• This all sounds so negative... but it's not all negative. The bad of today: I did feel a hard-to-tolerate level of self-disgust. I didn't eat a proper dinner. The good of today: I was honest about it. I connected with friends and felt pulled out of it and better. I still ordered the "challenge item" even though it was a day when I didn't feel like eating. And I'm confident this phase will end soon. I really am.