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Day 31
- I feel like I'm about to be in so much trouble at the program. I'm like cringing at how bad I am. I'm piling up all these reasons in my head that the staff is starting to hate me, and I'm worried that they really must be fed up with me. They'll probably "staff" me tomorrow and tell me to get with the program. Here are all the things I have done bad lately:
- Last Tuesday I refused to eat lunch, refused to ensure it, and got a warning.
- Last Wednesday I got a warning for taking too long to eat.
- Last Saturday, they made me drink an Ensure with my lunch and I threw the ensure down the drain without getting caught.... but then I told on myself.
- Last Saturday, I didn't participate in Creativity Group b/c - I don't know why...
- Today, I got caught trying to get away with not eating 100% of my snack. I stood up to start cleaning up all the dishes, when a staff member was like, "Laura, let me see your bowl?" So I shamefully showed her and she goes, "Girl, that is so obvious - I can see that food in there from a mile away - sit your tush down and finish your food." I apologized to her, told her I was actually being really compliant outside of the program - I haven't been exercising, I haven't been weighing myself, I've been eating all of my food outside of the program... but, for some reason, I'm having these 2-year old moments where I'm doing things (like not eating it all) without explanation or self-awareness. She was really nice about it.
- I tried talking a/b myself again in group... I've concluded that I don't like doing this. I always just feel really stupid afterwards. Like, I think a/b the fact that I talked about myself, and I cringe.
- What is wrong with me? Why am I acting so insecure lately? So concerned about if the staff likes me or not. So concerned a/b if I just did the wrong thing or not...
- I had a crazy symbolic dream that maybe I'll write a/b in another post another time... but, for now, I have to go to bed... it's 1:40am. I just got home. My brother, sister, mom, and I went to an Eminem/Usher/Rihana concert...
Hun, there is no such thing as a perfect recovery and there is no such thing as a perfect person. Mistakes are part of the process, as is struggling, and the fact that you are acknowledging both is GOOD thing.
ReplyDeleteEven at the end of my treatment stay, I still did some weird things, and I still rebelled sometimes. It's all part of the growing and developing process. I'd be more worried if you said everything had gone totally fine.
You are doing great. Mistakes and slips are good, as long as you admit to them and learn from them, which you are doing.
Sarah x
1stly,u r at a ed program, hence yr "bad" behaviors are expected ed actions(but does not mean it is right!) that surely the staff have to be trained to receive such actions from the patients right?!
ReplyDeleteu r in recovery, not yet recovered, u r trying to rid yr ed actions but some r still there so please don't be so hard on yrself! recovery is not always upwards and smooth sailing!
abtt the talking abt yrself bit... well, i cant express myself in words v clearly sponstenously, i always feel so ridiculous.
I agree with sarah, that you are doing really well to admit you are having issues. Just remember that the staff are used to these types of behaviours and probably don't think twice about the things you worry so much about. Don't worry about what is done, you can't change it, you can only change the future and try and do better next time.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
They have probably been waiting for this type of behavior. Remember if recovery was easy everyone would do it.
ReplyDeleteThe people running the program don't expect you to be perfect, you are on an Eating Disorder program, so I guess they kind of expect it, and the fact is you are recognising it and now have the power to change it :)
ReplyDeletexxx
Well, all I can thuink to write is ...please read Mariposai's comment again. And again. It pretty much says it all.
ReplyDeleteYou have my support (sending cyber-vibes your way)... keep on moving on...doing the next right thing.
Like Mariposai said "learn" from your slips. Ask yourself what is behind the behavior (99% of the time I determine my actions like this come from fear. )
~Missy
hang in there hun. Struggling is part of recovery. While in treatment, I did my fair share of naughty things. It is hard because all of your control is suddenly taken away. When you are struggling, try to find out why you are struggling. Maybe try to to talk about it in group? I know, easier said than done. But you can do it, from reading your past posts I know that you are a very strong person =)
ReplyDeleteoh sweetie i keep thinking about you. I know that you have been doing so well, but your hitting the 30 day mark which is where mentally you are able to form these new habits and truly integrate them, also around the 30 day mark I noticed that my ED always starts to fight back.
ReplyDeleteI had to ask myself why this was happening, and here is what i came to.
When I started my recovery, somewhere deep down inside i wasnt prepared to let go of the ed, or truly change. I convinced myself in the moment that I was ready, but the truth was that deep down inside, i believed that as long as I got everyone else to stop worrying about me, that I could still slip back into my disorder. When I hit the 30 day mark and realized i was physically doing better, it meant that ED voice was screaming YOUR FAILING...but what was I failing at? LIVING? RECOVERING? BEING HEALTHY? no i was failing at staying anorexic, and all parts of me who considered anorexia to be my cry out to the world, said NO i haven't been heard yet, my pain is still there, i dont want to let go of my default plan *death by starvation*
Why did i not want to let go of that? Because somewhere deep down inside I believed that I could never be happy....well guess who's voice was telling me that?...i can tell you one thing, it was not my voice...obviously it was Ana screaming away at me.
Then i had to really start delving in...thats where Im at now, being honest with myself and recognizing that I am fighting myself still.
Your brain is starting to heal itself, your cognitive functions are improving, your body is healing, and part of you is screaming NO NO NO, but what is that no voice really saying?
Is it possible that the no voice is saying, " i haven't expressed all of my emotions and pain, Im not feeling heard, Im hurting more than anyone else could possibly know...
Well though you have every right to every emotion you feel, you DESERVE happiness, and recovery, you owe it to YOURSELF to have a fair chance at a healthy life, that is not governed by when and what you eat. You deserve to focus on the many other things that make YOU YOU!
because ana doesn't make you you...
Ana is a voice for those who cannot scream...
maybe its time to scream?
much love!
I hope this helps i know i ramble but these are my thoughts as I have recovered.
correction...these are my thoughts as I am in the process of recovering....:)
ReplyDeleteThere are soooo many ups and downs on this road. You're working so hard, but the ED is fighting hard as well. Keep on keeping on and never give up. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete