program day 39

• program food today: LUNCH: quinoa, shrimp, asparagus, cashews + strawberry/blueberry fruit salad. SNACK: peanut m 'n m's DINNER: yam, turkey chili, salad with dressing

• breakfast: I ate a bigger breakfast today. I'm not sure if it was exactly the size they wanted it or not... but it was a bit bigger. I included larger portions of everything (not a ton larger - but noticeably enough larger) and a few walnuts for good measure. And I didn't count calories or anything like that. It might not be the "perfect" size, but it's heading in the right direction.

• experience while eating today: present, engaged, not in my head, not anxious or overthinking (except for one point during dinner. During dinner, for the final 30% of the meal, I started to become unpresent and "in my head." When that happens, everyone can tell. I guess I just get a distant look in my eyes. Another one of the program clients called me out on it. She was just like, "Laura! You okay?" And that brought me back to Earth. I was the very last to finish both dinner and lunch though. I still finished on time, so I don't think it's a huge problem)

• I do like eating slowly, though. It's not terribly slowly... I'm finishing on time 99% of the time. But my pace could be a problem outside of the program.... because people eat in a less relaxed state than I am eating. People generally eat faster than I like eating. So, outside of here, people will be done with their food possibly before I am... which might make me just claim I'm done too. It's nothing to worry a/b yet, but it's just something to keep in mind.

• I do these thought experiments while eating. I ask myself questions to get information. For example, upon looking at the food that they serve me, I'll ask, "If I were serving myself on my own, how much would I have put on my plate?" And then I'll take note of how much less I would have eaten if left to my own devices and take note of the difference - just so I know how much my "portion scale" is off by. Also, while I'm eating the meal, I'll say something to myself like "Outside of the program, when I don't know how much I'm supposed to eat, I would be stopping now." And then I'll notice how much more I actually have left on my plate. Then I'll finish it and notice how full I feel after all of that... just to take note of my inaccurate "fullness scale." Or, sometimes, during snack time, I'll think to myself, "If I were outside of program, would I even think I needed a snack right now?" And usually the answer is no. So it's just stuff to notice.... basically I'm learning that usually I should eat more than I think, I should eat until I'm fuller than I'm used to, and I don't have to be noticeably hungry to be okay eating a snack.

• The group has changed. There are more people in PHP again with me. When I first arrived, there were 12 people in PHP, and then, as some of them moved to IOP (less hours/day), PHP dwindled down to about 5 people. It's been just 5 or 6 of us for a while. It was quiet. Anyway, some of the IOP people needed more support and came back to PHP and, since we've had space, we've had a few new admits... so now we're back to 11 ppl i think? 12? And the energy has changed again. It's noisy, boisterous, social, chatty, loud. There are pros and cons to this shift... but mostly, I appreciate the new energy.

• We had a new admit today - she went to my college. Ok, I went to a VERY small liberal arts college (1600 ppl) in rural Ohio. The chances that I would meet up with another person from that college in a 12 person ED program in Los Angeles is.... just very unlikely. She just graduated, so we overlapped by a little. She was a freshman when I was a senior. Poor girl, at first, was so nervous a/b the fact that I went to that school (I'm not writing the name of the school to protect that girl's privacy) b/c she didn't want anyone to know she was here. As the day went on, she warmed up to me, and she was glad to have a connection with me I think.

• We had a really good group therapy today. It was a processing group, which just means that people can say whatever they want to/need to and we all talk a/b it. As we talked, the conversation started to get to topics that really made me think. I have this sense that I have important thoughts here, but they're not yet organized. The things I was thinking are relevant to the question I'm supposed to answer "How is your relationship with people like your relationship with food?" I'm planning on writing that assignment tomorrow in between Tracy and program (instead of pacing/walking). I think this will end up being a significant assignment after all. To get me started, here is some stuff I was thinking about during our group therapy session.... this is all unorganized still:

--My whole life, I've somehow always acted like I don't deserve or need the same things that everyone else deserves or needs.... to an extent at least. I can think of a lot of examples of this: I never admitted to having a crush b/c 'I didn't like guys or need that' even though it was okay for everyone else to have a crush. I never minded giving up my spot in a gymnastics competition for someone else to compete. I never admitted to wanting things. I happily stepped aside and watched and applauded other people as they stated what they wanted and went after it. Even now, I've been in the program for almost 7 weeks... and, everyone has a "bin" where they can keep some things that don't need to get locked up (like chapstick or medicine etc.) so they can use them during the day. So, everyone has a bin.... except for me. The staff just forgot to make me a bin way back when. I've never said "Can I have a bin?" Instead, sometimes other clients have noticed and I've always said, "Oh, yeah, but I don't care. I don't need a bin." During the conversation, one girl was talking a/b pursuing guys when she's interested in them. I thought a/b how I never even consider it an option to pursue a guy I'm interested in. Other people of course should pursue! But me? No, I don't need that. I don't need connection or people or love or luxuries like bins. It's almost liek I get embarassed about wanting or needing something.

-With people, especially with potential romantic relationships, I enjoy connecting with people at first..... until they start to seem interested in me. And then I realize that, if I wanted, I really could have a relationship. And I instantly shut down and push the person/guy away. I don't have a lot of insight into why I do this. Turns out, a lot of the girls in the program do this same thing, but they seem to have an idea as to why they do that. Why might I do this? Threatening my independence? Maybe. Fear they'll find out who I "really am" and then change their mind and not like me? Maybe. But part of it might just have to do with me being uncomfortable with having things, needing things, receiving good things.

-I almsot do this same thing with food. If I'm coming off of a period of a lot of restriction, I am willing to try to eat a little more once people are on my case about it. But, then I realize, that I'm eating in a yummier and more satisfying way. And I worry a/b the fact that I'm just letting myself enjoy food and feel physically satisified. And, instead of saying "yes, this feels better." I wonder if it's okay that I'm feeling satisfied.... and I usually start "backing away" form the food and "Being careful around it" and, ultimately, restricting again. This is kind of like what I do with guys.

-There's more, but this is what I feel like typing for now.

• My contract says to do 4 new life-enriching activities. I'm counting the date last night as one. Tonight, I got a manicure. That counts as two. Then I came home and watched 30 min of TV with my fam.... (did not eat an evening snack..... but I really wasn't hungry.... I don't know if this is bad or not bad... I can't decide).

• The new girl today at 100%. Every time we have new people, all but one or two of them have eaten 100% on their first day and I am always impressed. I definitely did not. And I would have thought that not eating 100% was the norm..... until I realized it wasn't!

• My brother got an AWESOME full time job in San Francisco today! So he'll be moving up there this week. So, for me, after I'm done with the program, I have to get back up to SF too! I'm jealous of his pay (not necessarily the job) and of his location and feel like I'm getting lapped in life by my little brother. But I'm trying to stay real: I have worked some already. And, anyway, I have to go at my own pace. Right now, I have to finish out this program. I can apply for jobs and finish out this program.... adn that is what my task in life is right now.

Tomorrow I'm having breakfast (blaaah... i'm scared... ha) with Tracy. Then program. In the evening, it'll be just me and my sister - since my whole family is going up to SF to help my brother move.