SPECTACULAR DAY 28

• I am just so happy right now! I’m so happy because I feel like I understand how to not have an eating disorder (I’m not talking about hovering at functionally eating disordered…. I’m talking about completely having zero traces of an eating disorder). The cool thing I’m realizing is that… getting over an eating disorder is VERY SIMPLE. It may be hard, but it is NOT complicated. It is simple and TOTALLY POSSIBLE! To get over an eating disorder, you – very simply - have to not use your behaviors. You just can’t use them. You have to stop restricting. Stop overexercising. Stop purging. Stop bingeing. Whatever ED behavior a person has, you have to just STOP. It’s that simple really. And, in order to stop, you have to learn to recognize your cognitive distortions and correct them, you have to stay in the present with your thoughts, you have to be able to tolerate distress and emotions – and not run from emotions or fear them or feel a need to do something about the emotion, you have to fill your life up with life enriching things like relationships and hobbies. All of this is TOTALLY POSSIBLE.

• The main thing for me is to EAT MY FOOD, BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE ABOUT HOW I’M DOING, AND STAY MINDFUL AND IN THE PRESENT, NOT EXERCISE.

• My whole life… I’ve never just.. been. I’ve never “been.” As a kid I studied and did gymnastics. In college I studied, did extra curriculars, and did an eating disorder. Post college, I ran like a psycho, worked like an addict. And, in this past year, after I quit teaching, I worked less, but I ran more and restricted more. I’ve always been a studyaholic, a workaholic, a runaholic…. I’ve tamed the running before (due to injury), but I’ve restricted more in response. I’ve eaten more, but I’ve run more and worked harder in response. Now, I’m not in school – not studying. I have no job – not working. I’m in a program – so I’m eating. And I now have buy in to try to not exercise – so I’m not running. Not working, not running, not studying, and still eating……. I’m just….. living. Living but with all my coping mechanisms taken away! So, last week, this got increasingly harder. And it got hard and hard and hard, and I was resistant and slipped a little and then, on Tuesday of this week, I totally just hit a wall. I can’t run away from this brick wall – b/c I’m in a program. But hitting the brick wall is just painful…. So it’s almost easier to just go through it. And, after a rough Tuesday with lots of crying and lots of therapists talking and having a table melt down…. I just went through it. So, now, here I am…. Trying to just be in life. I’m eating 100% of my meal plan this week. I’m not at all exercising. And, what has this led to? Well, sometimes I just don’t know how to just be without the distraction of running or restricting or working or studying. And so…. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have urges to run/walk, and I know I can’t act on them. So I’ve been crying. I have urges to restrict, and I know I won’t act on it… so I cry. It’s like I don’t know what to do. How the hell do I spend my time without the eating disorder and without the go-go-go-ness…. I don’t’ know how to be so I just cry. I feel like a little kid, with no coping skills, throwing a tantrum. I sit on the couch at night… without having “earned it” by working hard, running hard, or not eating…. But I sit on the couch just like a normal person and I feel awkward. How do I sit here? How do I hold my hands? Do I cross my legs? But, in getting through these moments, I’m learning things!

1. The tantrum feeling passes. I simply recognize the out-of-control-anxious feeling, and I tell myself, “You’re okay; you’re okay….” And I breathe. And it passes. And I can just be
2. I’m learning things I like to do. The other day I wrote blessings and cut them out. That fulfilled the same need in me that running does. Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble. That was so-so helpful. Today I sat down with my family to watch the Laker’s game and, to help me just sit and look at the TV, I said “This is the ‘good ole’ days. Everyone’s here. Everyone’s healthy. This is a memory I’m making.”
3. Sometimes I’m better at just being than others. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, so I cry. Other times I do something and my need is met.

I ate dinner tonight, one-on-one with one of the program therapists, and I was talking to her about this. She was like “Yes, it’s like you’re stepping into life.” Yes. That’s what it’s like.

• All of this makes me want to practice yoga or meditation because the power of learning to just be is SO powerful.

• Also, the power of keeping your mind in the present is so huge. I said earlier that all you have to do to get over an eating disorder is simply not act on your behaviors. I mean, it really is as simple as “Just fucking eat your food.” Or “Seriously, just don’t throw up.” Or “Stop bingeing.” Or “Really, just don’t run.” I’m not saying it’s EASy but it really is that simple. Thing is… all of those things – eating the food, not throwing up, getting off the treadmill all seem so hard in the moment…. But they’re only hard because you’re thinking about the past or the future. Nothing is wrong with any single bite – it’s only when you put it in the context of the whole meal or the whole day or “everything youer’ about to eat this week” or “everything you already ate this week” that it becomes scary. But, the moment, the one bite in the moment… nothing is ever wrong with the present.

• It’s also helpful to label your cognitive distortions b/c it helps you stay in the present. I don’t feel like talking in detail a/b which specific cognitive distortions I’m finding in myself, but, when you label them you can say “wow there.” And then you bring it back to the present and realize you’re okay. Well, quickly… one big cognitive distortion is jumping to conclusions and assuming yoru feeling or your assumption is right. This applies to everything from “I can’t eat this lunch b/c then I won’t be hungry for snack.” (Really? How about you eat the lunch and wait and see at snack time if you’re hungry. How do you know you won’t be hungry. You don’t know). And then “If I eat snack when I’m not hungry, I’ll get fat.” (Again – wait and see – you probably won’t) or “If I eat my snack when I’m not hungry, I’ll hate my life b/c I’ll be a failure.” (mislabeling. Do you really define failure to be someone who ate when they weren’t ravenous?) or “I feel so gross…. My body isn’t meant to be this size.” (That’s Emotioanl Reasonsing. You FEEL gross. Are you using your feelings to reason to the truth? Are you sure that’s accurate? No, not sure.) And, anyway, do you really value a size 0 or 2 so much that you are willing to falsely keep yourself at that size? If you are, that is sad – for you and for the message it spreads to our society.

A bit more about staying in the present:

• I always Future Trip. I get thinking about the fact that I’m going to get no break from food, and I end up feeling “stuck” in this never ending rhythm of eating. This week it started with Monday night. On Monday Night I thought something along the lines of: “ I’ve realized breakfast is not a choice, so I will definitely be at breakfast tomorrow and I am having a tuna melt for lunch and I’ll have to have a snack AND dinner because I’ll be in the program. And then the next day we’re having lasagna for lunch and there’ll be a snack like always and then the chili meal! Plus of course I’ll be eating breakfast. Then Thursday I’m eating banana walnut pound cake with Tracy with a latte and then I go to program and I still eat a program-sized (which is supposedly “normal sized) lunch and dinner. Then Friday we go out to a restaurant for lunch but I also have to have PM and AM snack b/c they’re served to us. Then Saturdays we have this huge breakfast and… and… and….” It’s like this feeling of never being able to take a “break” from food.

• Future tripping. What is the purpose? It increases anxiety. It increases fear. And that’s about it. Conclusion: there’s no good purpose.

• The cure for Future Tripping is to stay grounded in the present. If I only have to surmount the present challenge, every challenge is surmountable. No single challenge is impossible. In the present, my task is to eat and taste a given food. That’s all.

• Another cure for Future Tripping is separating your Mind from your Body. Your Mind says it needs a break from food… that it can’t eat regular meals and snacks every single day. Does your body actually say that? Or have you convined yourself your body says that?

Today – I was so successful! I had banana walnut pound cake with a latte for breakfast with Tracy. I purposely picked it from the one and only place I know of that I don’t know the calories for. Then, normally, I walk for a couple of hours in between her appt and the start of the program. Today I did not. I perused Border’s Books and Urban Outfitters and then went to the program and SAT and did assignments. At lunch I had a PB banana sandwich with a glass of soy milk (I chose to eat that instead of what they served… I have had what they served before and it includes sourdough bread, which I just really don’t like). Then I went to group therapy and actually SHARED ABOUT MYSELF (which felt totally awkward and uncomfortable but I did it). And then I had ice cream and a cookie for a snack. Then, for dinner, we had a spinach salad with chicken, avocado, goat cheese, strawberries, raspberry dressing and a croissant. And, after dinner, I did not exercise.

And I wonder… will today make the scale go up?

And then I think…. WHO FUCKING CARES!