Program Day 41

• Today was my first day of IOP, so I came in at 9:30am and left at 2pm. Big difference.

• I had an appointment with Jane on the phone today at 8am. I hadn't talked to her in 2 weeks b/c she had been on vacation. While she was gone, I had been thinking about how I don't need to talk to her anymore. But.. today's appointment was really good. It was so nice to speak to her! We just caught up. What I like most about her is I always feel like she's on my side (even if she's not on the EDs side) and I ALWAYS feel respected by her. I updated her on:

1. Anxiety. I've learned from the program that, often, when I feel receded from the edge of my face, when I feel frozen... what's really going on is that my brain is stunned and zapped by anxiety. Before, I didn't really realize this is what was going on... so I would feel this frozen feeling and feel like the only way to feel alive again was to restrict or run. Now I'm starting to be able to say "oh, my brain is stunned with anxiety," and try to breathe, self-sooth, calm down, engage in a life-enriching activity.
2. Exercise. I've been keeping my urge-to-run log. Some of my urges are healthy (stretching legs, expressing joy). Some are unhealthy (making room for food / pre-purge, producing hunger). Some are questionable - sometimes running is a form of emotion management. I feel some unidentifiable emotion and it scares me and I feel like I need to do something a/b the emotion, and the only thing I can think to do is run.
3. Extinguishing Exercise. I've followed my exercise plan for a few weeks now and not exceeded 3 twenty min walks. I notice the urges to move decreasing. I am becoming more aware of ways in which my relationship to exercise/food was unhealthy. Jane is SOOOOOO glad that the program staff caught this part of my ED and that I am finally addressing it.
4. Changing to IOP. We talked about fears and goals. Then we nixed the black-and-white thinking and the jumping to conclusions to help me think less fear-based and more realistic-based about this.
5. Other things that I'm probably forgetting now...

• I think I'm grateful for the IOP. Here's why:

1. It means I sit at the IOP table... which, at this point, is comprised of people way more stable and calm than the PHP table (the PHP table is getting a little out of hand lately). Lately, at the PHP table, I am so aware of so many people struggling, that I decide that we need more staff, so I decide I'm just going to act like a staff (not talking like one... but I mean... I'll try to not ask questions or complain... I'll try to be encouraging, positive, and a good eating role model. I almost feel like I need to be the babysitter, whether or not I'm ready to be one). At the IOP table, I won't feel like I need to put on a strong face. I wont' feel like I need to babysit. Rather, I'll be surrounded by people who are more calm and stable in their eating than I am. I think eating with the IOP will be a relief for me and also inspiring to me.
2. I have the opportunity to confront challenges, work to overcome them, and, ultimately, overcome them. The challenges in IOP are more and new - but I have to confront them if I'm going to be able to surmount them. I could "get by" on IOP by eating safe things all the time. I could eat the same safe sandwich for lunch every day, the same safe breakfast every day. I could also skip meals and no one would know. But I don't want to do that. I don't just want to maintain the progress I've made... even though I'm shifting down to IOP, I want to continue to challenge myself and improve. So the challenges are:

---- to still include variety in what I eat.

-----to eat things I haven't eaten in a long time or wouldn't easily eat.

---- to eat new foods and "challenge" foods

----to actually eat my meals and snacks

-----to not forget that this ED has been going on for a/b 7 years, I do have a "real" ED (supposedly), and it is super important that I keep this eating thing as a priority.

----to know how much I should eat (I am not willing to go back to measuring every morsel of food that goes into my body. So I have to be willing to err on the side of "too much" and risk eating more than my body needed in one day. And I have to trust that I will get better at this with time and, if I make a mistake and eat "too much" at one meal, my body can handle that and nothing gets out of control from one meal/day/week.

These are all challenges, but they are challenges that I HAVE to be able to meet and succeed in if I'm going to be able to succeed in the real world with no program too. So, I'm grateful for the opportunity to get the chance to start facing these challenges. As long as I continue to be accountable to myself and others, continue to talk and be honest... I will be okay.

Also, insurance granted me... drum-a-roll please.... 25 DAYS!!!! of iop! This is EXCELLENT news and unheard of! Most ppl are being granted 3, 4, or 5 days at a time in IOP... but I got 25!!! This is great because it means I really do for sure have 5 weeks to practice confronting these eating challenges. 5 weeks to be in a safe environmen to try new things, talk about it every day, take risks, slip, learn, take new risks, etc. And, at the end of 25 days (or, 5 weeks) I will have another review.

I always knew that PHP had to end at some point. The staff seems to be all hyper concerned a/b me going to IOP because I haven't had enough consistency with how I've been eating outside of the program according to them. If the staff had their way, they'd keep me PHP. But, insurance rules all. And, you know what? I'm grateful that I get this BIG chunk of time in iOP.... Insurance has been good to me. They have me 7 weeks of PHP... that's basically 2 months! And them giving me 5 weeks at least in IOP is way better than then continuing to give me PHP, then giving me IOP for like 1 or 2 weeks and cutting. I think iop will be very hard for me at first. But I HAVE to face it and find a way to be able to do it. So i'm glad that I have time at this level. I really do think it's better than if insurance had just dragged out php for even longer and then suddenly cut without significant time in IOP.

Now, I'm kind of a hypocrite. Because here I am saying "Challenges! Let me confront you! Bring it on!" And yet, tonight I did not confront the challenges. So, today I skipped breakfast, but had am snack at program (I have rationalized this to be totally ok, and I do this every friday, so I am not concerned). Then I went to the meal outing at a delicious restaurant, did a great job with my sandwich. Then, I left - earlier than the PHPers... So it was my first friday wehre I was supposed to eat my afternoon snack on my own. In the program, we eat it at 3:15. Today, I ate my afternoon snack (the right portion too) at 5:15pm. And then I went to a little intimate concert with my sister. And, after that, 4 girls from the program came over. We watched a movie. And now they're all sleeping. Sleepover! So... when each of them came over, I asked if they had had dinner/evening snack. Some of them brought dinner/evening snack and ate it here. Others needed dinner and they made themselves a dinner at my house. Anyway, I was very straightforward with all of them: "Do you need dinner? Did you eat? Well then let's go see waht we can find." And I made sure all 4 of them got their dinner and evening snack in." So how am I a hypcorite? Because I didn't eat dinner OR evening snack tonight. And none of the girls noticed... b/c I come across as so put-together and strong that no one ever has to check in with me... (some of the girls see past that facade on me, but not the ones who are here tonight). And my parents are out of town, so they didn't ask me a/b it either. And so.... I just get away with not eating dinner or an evening snack. So... this is a very bad thing I did today... skipping all of that. I'm just being honest and putting the truth out there. I will be honest with staff tomorrow at program. I am very aware that this is playing with fire and not acceptaable. I'm going to have to not allow this to carry into Saturday.

Normally on Saturdays, I'd have breakfast at the program. But, because I'm now IOP, I don't have breakfast. I don't come until after breakfast. So, it'll be really important to make sure I do eat breakfast.

The purpose of this writing now might have to be - for a bit at least - a place for me to just be super honest a/b how I'm doing with eating my food. Because there's a LOT less monitoring that'll be happening... so it's up to me to speak up when I'm off track and to monitor myself.

On another note, I have done lots of life-enriching activities this week. Staff will be happy a/b that. 2 dates, a manicure, a concert, pottery painting