day off # 5

• Every Sunday (my day off of the program) is a good measure of where I am. It shows me how I do when I take away the program. How do I do on my own? Every week, I notice that it's different (and better) than the week before. This Sunday was no different. This Sunday definitely counts as a success. Here's why:

1. I ate 100% of my meal plan without effort. I felt hungry at the times I was supposed to eat, and so I ate. And I believe I ate the "right" amount. I put "right" in quotes because I'm learning there is no such thing as the absolute right amount. Your body can handle fluctuations in intake. Breakfast was a cinnamon raisin english muffiny bageley thingy with PB and a drizzle of real maple syrup on top. AM snack was low-fat (not no-fat) strawberry yogurt with granola. Lunch was eaten out - it was teriyaki salmon on top of rice with some oily, teriyaki-y vegetables (cabbage and broccoli mostly). PM snack was grapes and cashews/almonds. Dinner was a cup of fruit (melon, strawberries, and blueberries) and a personal pizza made on the backyard grill - cheese, spinach, mushrooms. night snack was fro yo.
2. There was one time where I had a little eating disordered mental freak out. Lunch. When we were ordering it I saw that there was just lots of oil. And I started to freeze up. And I thought "Can't eat that." But I made myself eat it... and, as I was eating some of it, I thought "Must only eat a few bites!" But then I caught myself and said, "No, it is your MIND that says 'no oil.' Your BODY does not have a rule against oil. If you ask your body how it's doing right now, it is enjoying the food. And, if you ask your body if you overate, it says no - b/c it's not overly full by any measure." And that worked. So, it's cool I was able to do that by myself.
3. Besides that split moment mentioned in # 2, I wasn't anxious while eating today.
4. I only calorie counted two times, but I said "I accept all calorie numbers." And I let the thought go.
5. I was not restless or anything today. I was able to just "sit" with not much to do. I occupied my time well. I shopped for my sister's birthday present, I actually got a massage, I took my dog on a walk, I read, I did some mail stuff, and I made pizza dough.

This Sunday was by far the most successful Sunday since entering the program. It gives me a lot of confidence.

Now I'm off to do some assignments for the program.

Something is coming up that I think I will actually talk about with everyone tomorrow.... I am realizing something - and it's becoming a problem. When I was little, I saw myself as a "small, tiny, skinny, athletic" person - b/c that's what people told me I was. And, as that changed - with age, with puberty, with stopping gymnastics - I did things to try to bring that back (namely, went out and got an eating disorder). Well, when I was little, I also saw myself as someone who never needed anything, could do everything on her own, never had any problems or stress or pain. And so, I am realizing I sometimes put forth an effort in maintaining this "I can do everything by myself b/c I don't have any problems" type of image. But - I'm in a program, where my problems showcase themselves (at the table). And, I'm in a program that's pusshing me outside of my comfort zone... they're taking away restriction and running... and since I don't have a job or a school to throw msyelf into... I'm feeling... vulnerable. Yes, vulnerable is the right word. And so I guess there are 2 issues that come up: 1) I have to learn to just "be" without working on achieving soemthing. But 2) I have to learn with letting people see me as I am - in an uncomfortable, out-of-my-comfort zone place. Because I feel vulnerable lately, I think I'm worried people will see this... and so, I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to cover it up. As a defense mechanims, I'm distancing myself from my family at times. I'm not letting the staff in entirely as to how I feel. And, b/c I'm so worried that I'll lose this "I have no problems and I am superwoman" image, I'm becomign paranoid. Anything anyone says about me, I'm taking it as an indication that they think I suck or I have massive problems. It's like I'm just becomign completely paranoid that people are seeing me as one big giant mess. And, sometimes, in my effort to make sure they don't see it like that, I'm making it worse. This is all hard to explain... but I think the reason I'm so emotional lately is becuase I am so worried that people are not going to think I'm some superwoman. And this is uncovering some root issue - 1) that I have "superwoman" attached to my self-image and 2) that I care so much about making sure I come off as not needy, not worriesome, and having no problems. and 3) that I care so much about pleasing other people - and that I think the way I can please them is by being perfect-ish. Something like that.... there's something to work on in here - but right now, it's all still a little unorganized in my mind.