Program Day 37

Today was kind of a low self-esteem day, so, as I write now, I'm kind of in a low, pity-party mood. I'm sorry. I'm just going to post what I'm feeling...

• I had an appointment with my dietitian, which made me feel like I'm not doing as well as I thought - and that just made me feel down on myself. She says my breakfasts are too small and on 4 or the past 6 days, she wouldn't even call them breakfast. She says the same thing about my evening snacks. She said my goal is to a) eat a program-sized snack in the evening and b) to eat a program-sized meal in the morning for breakfast. She also wants to make a plan to get me out of my head and into the present while eating. I feel like I'm making a lot of progress on that front... but she thinks past/future-tripping is happening too much still. The line that she said that made me feel the most down on myself was: I feel like you have one foot in (read: committed) and one foot out. It was hard to hear that. Then again, a couple of weeks ago, the staff told me the same thing, it was equally hard to hear... but, because of that talk, I started eating more outside of the program. So maybe hearing this today will produce and equally positive effect.

• We had pre-contract group, which is when we all read what we want on our contracts. Tomorrow, the staff meets for 6 hours and then we have "contract group," which is where they read what actually ended up on our contract. During their meeting, they delete things we requested and add in things they think would be helpful. Anyway, for "Exercise plan," I have requested something pretty reasonable I think. I requested: 1) Continue to keep my urge-to-move/run/walk log. 2) three twenty minute walks and.... 3) one 10 minute (yes, you read that right... I'm only asking for 10 minutes!) run under the following conditions: only if it is a run to stretch legs or express joy, may not run on a Thurs, Fri, Sat (my hardest food days), may not run on a day I walked, and may not run at the cost of spending quality time with family/friends. I think this is very reasonable. We'll see if they give it to me.

• Then I had a family session, which I was dreading. Me, my parents, and my therapist. It went horribly. Not like it made things worse... but there was just ZERO POINT to it. I had nothing to tell them, they had nothing to ask, I had nothing to say in answer to the question "how can they support you," the whole thing was a giant waste of time. The only thing that happened was I felt worse about myself afterwards and I went into denial about their even being a problem. My mom told the therapist how "wonderful" I am. And you know what she used as evidence? Things from high school (read: pre-eating disorder). And what she wants for me now is for me to "just be a happy 25 year old. and be able to do little things - like take care of bills, and grocery shop." When she said that, I started crying in the session. I feel like I'll just never be good enough for my parents. It's like they used to see me as this perfect little child that had no problems and made them proud. They could easily brag about me. Now they see me as an incompotent, anxious 25 year old who can't grocery shop, is too unsafe and unstable to live alone, can't be trusted to pay her bills. And I just don't know how to make them happy. Like, how many bills do I have to pay on time to prove to them that I'm responsible? (there have literally only been a few bills in my whole life that were late - but my parents just hang on to those and use them against me). What do I have to do to prove to them that I am happy and enjoying my 20s? Do I need to go party or something? And, of course, my dad's question was "How do we get back into life?" So then I feel like an idiot for being out of life....

• So I left family session feeling like I'm not enough for my parents... but I also felt like I'm a disappointment to the staff. Like, because I didn't open up more to my parents, I disappointed my therapist. My dietitian thinks I have "one foot in one foot out." I know I'm probably making these expectations up in my head... but I feel like I'm falling short of every expectations. I'm not independent and successful enough for my parents. I'm not recovered enough for the staff. Which leads me to think: Am I enough for me? Am I okay with myself? I don't know...... Probably. Who knows.

• I'm in a lot of denial today. I am in so much denial that I'm even asking myself if the word "denial" is right... b/c you have to be enough out of denial to even be aware that you're in denial right? (Follow that? ha.) What I mean is... maybe I'm not in denial.... maybe there's legit. no problem. Maybe I don't have an eating disorder. Maybe I shouldn't be in the program. A client suggested today that I just lay it all out there for my parents... that I just tell them everything that goes on for me. Thing is - I don't even feel like I'm hiding anything. I literally can't think of ANYTHING to tell. I can think of things that were kind of wrong in the past. I can go back to "My Worst Eating Disordered Day" essay that I had to write... and, yeah, that shows me that stuff was wrong... but I just feel so disconnected from it right now. I don't feel like there's anything that wrong with me - in terms of an eating disorder. Maybe I'm just pretending to have an eating disorder so that I can pretend to have to recover from it so that I can fill my time with "recovery" instead of other things? Seriously - maybe I'm just making up a big lie? What would happen if I just quit all treatment and stopped talking about it? I know I'm being irrational right now - but I just can't get connected to the fact that I have an eating disorder... all I could think all afternoon was "I should leave. I don't deserve to be here. I don't even have a problem. I don't even know what my problem is. I don't even know why I'm here."

• I skipped breakfast and am snack today. Program lunch was: Chinese Tofu (or chicken) salad with crispy things, almonds, dressing and pound cake with berries and whipped cream. Program snack was: strawberry yogurt with granola. Program dinner was: teriyaki salmon, potatoes, green beans. And I'm supposed to have an evening snack tonight. Will I? I don't want to. Why don't I want to? B/c I feel down on myself and I just want to feel bad. When I knew I had an eating disorder, I would be motivated to have it anyway b/c I get that I have to keep my food structured. But right now, I don't even think I have a real eating disorder. Also, right now, I don't even care. I don't care about myself. I don't care if I don't eat PM snack tonight or breakfast tomorrow. I don't care if I disappoint everyone - I already have anyway, so might as well just keep it up. And I don't care if I live inauthentically and become some starved girl who chaotically eats and is a hungry zombie. (I know I do care... I know... I know I'm just having a bad day.... but this is how I feel at the moment)

• I'm supposed to be learning that eating needs to happen regardless of how I feel. I'm supposed to right now notice "Hm... when I feel bad about myself, my first instinct is to restrict my food." And then I'm supposed to take care of my nutritional needs and eat anyway. I guess I could do that. What could I have for an evening snack? The RD wants my evening snacks to be bigger than they have been. She also wants me to not be "closed off to the idea of hunger at night. Ok, so how about I honestly ask myself if I feel hungry. Yeah, I do. But I could also ignore it, drink tea, and go to bed. And, if I think back to My Worst Eating Disordered Day... where does that get me? I don't feel like answering that question. Ok, fine. How about I just committ right now - to eating an evening snack. What could I have? Banana and PB? Oatmeal and fruit? Frozen yogurt? I'll think a/b it a bit later. For now, I'm going to clean my room...

• Oh yeah, insurance gave me more days somehow. (Still grateful)

• I'm so tired right now. Totally emotionally drained. I don't even know if I want to do this anymore. I don't even know what "this" is....

Sorry for the massive downer of a post.....

This is NOT effective journaling. This is NOT an example of how to productively, effectively journal.....

This is more like a big vent.