The morning of Day 20 - before program starts

It weird me out when I have inexplicable urges to not eat, to not drink. It takes me aback that I could still feel compelled to do eating disordered things. After nearly a month of eating more, eating regularly, haven't I found enough enjoyment in that new way of eating that I shouldn't go back? Haven't I found enough of a reason to understand that going back to restricting and irregular eating isn't an option?

I had a challenging series of events this morning, but, in the end, I'm okay because of journaling. Carolyn Costin (the founder of the program I attend + author of books) says that people "get better" through (I might be wrong but I think...) finding their passions, eating, and journaling. So, today I journaled and it helped.

This morning:

-Wake up

-Pee like a race horse for like 9 years

-Weigh myself (it went up a little bit, but it's still in the same "whole number" (like how 402.2 and 402.8 are the same whole number)

-Feel hungry

-Wonder why I could feel hungry when I ate a snack last night (even though both the PM snack and the bfast are on the meal plan... it's not "choose one" it's an "eat both" kind of a thing)

-Eat breakfast without measuring anything (yogurt, a few walnuts, a few blueberries, some kashi/granola/fiber one)

-Eat quickly - more quickly than normal

-Count calories + add on yet-to-be-eaten-but-will-eat-later-at-program calories and conclude that I can't eat that amount unless I'm really active all day today.

-Feel lots of bad eating disordered things such as:

'I should cut back' 'I shouldn't eat an evening snack tonight' 'I should convince the dietitians that I don't need lunch today' 'I should never drink water again because I'm already too full and can't fit anything more in me' 'I am so fat I can't even look at myself or touch myself or be near myself' 'I must find a way to convince the program staff that I don't need to eat today' 'I am letting myself get out of control; I need to really cut back on my food intake'

Then I went on a 25 min walk with my dog and mom. Came back to the house and wrote this:

"I feel full. I wonder if I should have eaten less. I wonder if the dietitians are even thinking I'm eating too much. I have this feeling like I'm just letting myself eat too much. Maybe I did eat too much, but one meal won't make me fat. My body can handle varied amounts of calories every day. I do feel mad at myself for eating this breakfast even though I know the RD would have said it's not too big. I feel like I'm not being successful in telling myself it's okay, so I guess I'll just move on and do something else to distract myself. I'm just so irritable the last 2 days. Maybe I'm PMS-ing. [Walk dog, then return and continue writing] I feel frozen. Like there's too much food in me. Like I can't drink or eat anything the rest of the day. Like I have to do whatever it takes to feel hungry again. I have to write productively though. I have to ground myself in the facts. 1) I know this feeling is irrational b/c I'm not actually fatter. My weight is still in it's set-point range. 2) I didn't feel fat upon waking up, so I couldn't have magically become out of control just b/c of a little yogurt. I should just breathe, stay calm, drink water, and stay in the present... becuase right now I'm totally in the future - adding up calories from the day that I haven't even eaten yet. Geez, my mind is just totally hijacked by the eating disorder right now. I'm still feeling like my breakfast was too beg because I still - 45 min later - still feel it in me. And I'm thinking about lunch and snack and dinner and evening snack and thinking I'll end up with 1800 - 2000 calories for today with so little movement! Okay, I have to stop writing or I'm going to make myself crazy. I can't stop writing though until I write myself to truth. Let me ground myself in what I know:

1. My weight is still in its range. It's no different. It just feels different.

2. Fullness does not equal weight gain.

3. It is normal to feel food in me after I eat.

4. Nothing bad happens from one meal or one day.

5. The alternative - which is to drink no water, get a warning for lunch by refusing to eat it, and seek out the hungry feeling all day is DEFINITELY the wrong option. So I'm left with, by default, the only option being to eat.

6. Eating is not negotiable. So since I'm going to have to eat the pizza at lunch today, I can set an intention to notice the tastes and enjoy the conversation. Oh, that could be fun. Okay, now I'm kind of looking forward to that.

7. I have had hard days like this at other times in the program - times when I've been ABSOLUTELY SURE that eating is wrong... and yet, the staff has sat by me patiently, insisting that I eat. And, in the end, I've been really glad for those days - I've been glad I had to get through them. Every one of them has taught me something and has been really important to me. So, today just might be another one of those days. So, I am grateful for it.

And now, I'm in a better place, and I can leave for the program....

And this is what I wrote afterwards