I know that the work of catching our minds, catching our thoughts and our emotions.... and then correcting our minds, soothing ourselves, and bringing ourselves to reality....... that work will and does pay off. I know so because I've had days meals, hours, sometimes days, where I did have some peace. Then, sometimes, the ED hijacks your brain again all of the sudden. But the work is in saying "Fine. Fine. I'll do the work." And correcting your mind, grounding yourself in your goals, in your values, and in truth.
So, you all remind me that I'm not failing - I'm just, doing the work. Thank you.
Funny, as my previous entries depict, I had a pretty psycho morning. I went and I did enjoy my lunch. I was present during my lunch. I drew an index card for lunch. It said to eat steak, blue cheese, romaine/spinach, ranch dressing, and grilled bread. Well, I didn't have all of those ingredients, so I improvised and ended up with Cranberry Pecan Chicken Salad (from Trader Joe's) on top of spinach with a hearty, thick slice of toasted cranberry hazelnut bread and a side of watermelon/cantaloupe.
After lunch, for no apparent reason, I just cried and cried and cried - for nearly an entire hour. I'm not even sure exactly what I was crying about. I think I was just getting down on myself. It started because my dad was saying something to me and I said, "Dad, I know!" And I guess, without meaning to, it came out in a snappy way. So then my mom pointed out that it sounded snappy, and then my brother pointed it out. So then I felt horrible, so I apologized to my dad, but then he stopped talking to me because he said "you don't want to hear what I have to say." So then I just felt like an accidental horrible person. And I thought all these horrible things about myself... things like...
-I cared about my students so much, but I just messed up their lives as their teacher.
-I care about my family, but they think I snap at them.
-I want to be a happy person, but today I complained once to my brother.
-I want to be a good client, but I skipped a meal yesterday and now they probably think I an unmotivated.
And I just concluded that I just ruin everything and everyone and I should go live on a different planet, banned from society. I am feeling so bad lately. I am feeling so insecure. I'm having a tough time thinking anything good about myself. And I'm paranoid that I am being annoying, or being rude by accident. I'm paranoid a/b what other people are thinking of me. I think my strong desire to please is freaking out. All I want to do is please everyone, 100% of the time, perfectly.... and I'm starting to fear that I'm worsening lives instead of helping them. And that conclusion + my desire to please/help = unhappy Laura. And then the thoughts just go and then I can't stop crying.... it's like I want to write a giant apology letter to the world.
I just have this general sense that I'm always doing the wrong thing lately.
-I eat bigger meals and the ED thinks its the wrong thing.
-I hang out with friends, and I worry it's the wrong thing b/c what if my parents think I should be hanging out with my siblings instead?
-I hang out with my family, and I worry it's the wrong thing b/c what if friends think I'm ignoring them?
-I skip a meal and the treatment team thinks its the wrong thing.
I don't know if these feelings are getting magnified now that I've been eating the best I have in years in the past 2 months. I don't know if these low feelings a/b self are tied at all to giving up the ED? Not sure. I feel like some therapist would want to investigate that and find some correlation, but I don't know if the correlation is true or not.
Anyway - that was not the point of this entry.
The point was to say that, I did eat lunch, after much rumination... but I ate a lunch I was supposed to eat. And then, I went and drew an index card for snack: 2 reese's PB cups. So, I had to go to the program for a girl's graduation, and on the way there, I stopped and bought 2 reese's cups. I walked into the program and literally - LITERALLY - every staff member asked me, "Did you eat today? What did you eat today? What are you going to have for snack?"
After the graduation, I left, and, for whatever reason.... drum a roll please... I was EXCITED to eat my Reese's Cups... and CALM about it. What?! Where did this peace of mind come from? And now, at 5:29pm, I am... wait for it..... looking FORWARD to dinner. No seriously. I am.
Is this the pay off?
Do I get a peace of mind for fighting/correcting thoughts all morning long?
Did being on top of my mind and emotions and bringing myself back into reality finally pay off? Is my gift that I felt excited about snack and dinner?
Funny because, after snack... like an hour and a half after, I found myself thinking a/b dinner b/c I was a tad bit hungry. I thought a/b how this tad bit hungry used to be totally fine with me. But today - maybe a result of regularly feeding myself today? - today I wasn't okay with this tad bit of hunger. I felt it in my body and said, "I prefer to not feel this."
And that's when I CONFIDENTLY - without questioning - found myself walking down the sidewalk thinking, "yeah... yeah... my body likes this way better. And my body knows best."
And now....
Now I feel...
Yes, drained.
But also...
Calm
Refreshed
Relieved.
1.5 hrs and I'm meeting the guy that I've gone on a couple of dates with for dinner and a movie.
okay...
EXHALE!
(guess what y'all? guess what! Your body likes eating more food than your mind likes to think! tee hee... that's the secret!)
I think that's awesome that you've noticed that your eating has been at its best, and perhaps there is something in what you say about self feelings being related to this notion of giving up the ED. It's alot of changes to go through, but from reading your posts I get a very good feeling about your recovery, and hope you do too :-)
ReplyDeleteSarah x