The rest of day 42

• Thanks so much for the support - for telling me to keep telling on myself, for telling me you enjoy reading. And, Emmy, I appreciate your compliments! So thank you!

• So, I am proud to say that I got back on track. AFter telling on myself, I ate everything I was supposed to eat! I feel really physically better, having followed my meal plan. I'm proud to say that I told on myself. I was honest with people. I'm also proud that I understood that I need to take these skipped meals/snacks in the last couple of days seriously. I understood that I needed to intervene in my own slip asap. I'm proud that I understood that.

• What's different this time that allowed me to intervene in my own slip and take it seriously? How is this time different from all the other times? Well, this slip was accompanied with fear. A "holy shit I can't believe I feel like this.... oh geez... I don't want to go back to feeling how I do at my worst." My motivation was jumpstarted by a fear of continuing to slip. This program has really helped me develop my fear - a healthy fear.

• Carolyn Costin, the founder of this treatment center and a couple of others, says that, in general, people who have recovered do 3 things: journal productively, don't weigh themselves, and reach out to others frequently. I don't think "don't weigh" is one for me. I think my 3 would be "journal, reach out, and eat." Anyway, I think I did reach out today - and I'm very happy that I got back on track b/c of it. I'm kind of in awe that I'm actually back on track. I never get back on track when I say I will. So I am really happy with myself... I won't get cocky though... I know I still have to keep my guard up and focus on my meal plan tomorrow.

After calling Tracy's voice mail to tell on myself, I noticed that she had simultaneously sent me an e-mail asking me to check in and also send her my IOP schedule (we're talking on Mon morning to talk a/b how to put together meals that I won't be eating at program now). I responded with this:

Tracy! Hello, Hello!

I left you a message already about the fact that I slipped in the last 36 - 48 - 72 (ha) hrs. I just want to be honest b/c I think honest accountability will be important for me. So, Thursday I skipped pm snack. Friday I skipped breakfast, dinner, evening snack. And Today I skipped breakfast and am snack. Basically, that all means that, since Thursday, I haven't once eaten anything outside of being with you or in the program - and since I went IOP on Friday, that means there's been even less for me to eat in the program. What it felt like: I reached a point of such nutritional depletion that I felt like my brain turned off, like I felt frozen and stuck and powerless. I wasn't even having a dialogue in my head. I was just kind of.... not eating and not thinking. Reaction: Wow, that's scary how quickly restriction can lead to feeling powerless and frozen and stuck. Next steps: While it's definitely not okay for me to slip that much in the past couple of days, I understand how important it is to stop the slip RIGHT NOW and eat my meals/snacks. How? I told on myself to you and to the program staff and to another client who is stable and who I trust. Today I ate lunch in the program (turkey, cheese, mayo sandwich + 1.5 oz chips + 1/2 cup grapes). And, on my own, I ate a 3pm snack - 1/2 a bagel with PB. I am so freaked out by how quickly I started to feel stuck and powerless, that I really am motivated to make sure I eat dinner and an evening snack tonight. I will check in with you to make sure I do that.

Thanks so much for all of your help!

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And then, later, after the evening, I sent this check in message to Tracy:

Hi Tracy,

I'm just letting you know that I did get back on track today - after having been WAY off track ever since Thursday evening. I told on myself to you and program therapist... and then I ate L, 3pm snack, Dinner, and just ate an evening snack. What I ate was sufficient too.

Lunch:

sandwich (2 slices of bread, 3 slices of turkey, 1/2 slice turkey, 1 tbspn LF Mayo)

1/2 cup grapes

1.5 oz chips (NOT baked)

3pm snack:

1/2 bagel

unmeasured PB on top of it

Dinner (for which I was SOOO hungry)

about 70% of a turkey, bacon, a little bit of cranberry cream cheese spread panini

a small amount of sweet potato fries

**I say 70% of the sandwich, but that is questionable. I'd say 80% - 90% of the inside of the sandwich and 25% of the bread. When I finished, my sister pointed to my plate and said, "Eat just a few more bites before we leave." I said "No, I'm really full." She said, "You hardly ate anything." I said, "Yes I did! Look. I ate almost all of the turkey, I ate all of the bacon... I just left some bread." So... the sandwich was eaten in a bit of a disordered way, but I picked something that went against what the ED part of my brain was telling me is okay... and at least I got the food in**

Evening Snack

3 bon bons (2 bites big each... chocolate ice cream, on top of a mini chocolate cookie, covered in a chocolate coating. YUM!)

Thank you for letting me check in!

Take care,

Laura

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Also, I confided in one client (I couldn't get myself to actually speak up in group...)... but that one client and I checked in with each other throughout the day. That was helpful. And, when I gave her a good report, she sent me an "Im so proud of you" email - and that felt really good....

**This is the most I've ever reached out in the midst of a slip... and it worked. Good strategy. Usually I am sooo embarrassed and ashamed to reach out in the moment... but I did to a couple of select ppl today, and it did help.