program day 34 - calm, happy thoughts

• Insurance gave me more days. 4 more for now. That's good. (They always give days in just bits of days at a time...)

• Program food today: LUNCH: falafel, tahini, hummus stuffed pita and a side of cucumber/tomato dressed in olive oil. SNACK: Peanut butter M 'n Ms. DINNER: Caprese sandwich (big, thick bread, mozarella, basil, tomato, red pepper and strawberries. I ate my evening snack and my breakfast today on my own.

• I am like a genius food-memorizer. You can tell me any day of the year, and I remember it by what I ate. But you know what has happened for the last couple of days in the program? I will get to dinner time, and I'll think "What was lunch?" And I CAN'T REMEMBER RIGHT AWAY. Like, I have found myself actually having to concentrate to try to remember what we ate earlier. Today I actually had to look at my food diary to see what I wrote down. This is a first in 7 years....

• This morning was tough...but I got through it. I woke up feeling fat, bloated, which made me not able to look at myself or touch myself. I took a shower with my eyes closed and hated having to touch myself while I washed myself. I felt self disgust. I felt stuck, receeded from life, disconnected. I felt frozen. I'm starting to realize that "frozen" is often just "stunned with anxiety" I think. I felt like I needed to run in order to feel unfrozen, to feel alive again, to feel connected to life again. But I am in this place where, most of the time, I know I can't act on my urges to run or restrict my food... and so I'm just left with these crappy feelings. To feel better, I told myself 1) I'm not actually fatter, I just feel that way. 2) It's not about weight because I've felt this way at lower weights. 3) My essence is what makes me me, not my body. And, eventually, I did feel better. I felt better by 1) Changing into clothes that made me feel better, 2) I sipped water to make it feel like my body was working again, 3) I walked around while talking with a friend on the phone. And... the self-disgust passed, the urge to run dissipated. And I felt happy, alive, myself, hyper, energetic... I felt good again. I didn't rely on running and restriction :)

• This morning's episode is an example that highlights what I'm learning. I'm learning that, when I give up my behaviors, I do feel anxious, insecure, self-conscious, frozen, stuck. I'm learning there are other ways to manage these feelings. Humor helps. Social connection helps. Distraction helps.... and, most importantly, time helps. The horrible feelings DO pass.... and, when they do, I am so glad that, as I waited for them to pass, I was strong enough to not act out with the eating disorder. I'm so glad I ate breakfast this morning, for example. Every day, I am feeling these hard feelings, but every day, I'm getting through them.

• You absolutely cannot fix an eating disorder by doing a different eating disordered behavior. EX: you can't fix restriction by eating + overexercise. You can't fix overeating/bingeing/eating-more-than-you're-comfortable-with with restriction. You can't fix purging by deciding to restrict. You can't fix laxative abuse with purging. I see, in the program, people try to get out of their eating disorder hole by going farther down the hole (dealing with one behavior by doing another behavior). So, I have absolute confidence that you cannot get out of the eating disorder hole by going farther down it. And, it is because I believe that, that I continue to push myself to move forward. I am not exercising past my allowed few short walks. I did eat my meals today. And, it's not always comfortable doing this, but I know for sure this is what is necessary to do.

• I say it's not always comfortable doing this (eating regularly without exercise), but what I have to remind myself is that is also not always NOT comfortalbe... like, even though it's often uncomfortable..... the discomfort does pass and you do have moments of relief..... you have to just wait out the discomfort... because discomfort does pass... your eyes do experience fleeting moments of seeing yourself more accurately..... your brain does experience some rationality...... the discomfort, the body dysmorphia, the irrational thoughts on repeat... they are not permanant.

• I like a lot of the people in the program. I like that I'm strong enough to be able to hear their crazy thoughts and not be terribly triggered by it. I like that they ask me for hugs.

• We order in on Tuesdays. Today, we had to pick what we're going to order. I picked the "Specialty Calzone" from this particular place. Why did I pick it? 1) I never even consider eating calzones normally b/c they are "unnecessary" and "Bad" - so this is an opportunity to break that thought/rule. 2) The tastes seemed appealing. When I pick off the menus, I am not giving thought to calories.... I am thinking 1) Let's pick something that breaks my ED rules and 2) Let's pick something I haven't had in forever. I'm proud that I do this. Some of the other girls don't. They stay safe with their choices. Someone ordered something with rice on it today and then said, "Oh, it might come with butter on the rice... I'm gonna order something different." Someone else told me, "Laura, I'd love to order what you order but calzone crust is caloric and it has 3 types of cheeses in it." That could bother me... but, instead, I feel proud.

• I have to repeatedly remeind myself, though, that it is GOOD that I'm taking more risks with my food than other people. It's GOOD that I'm not tearing my food into weird pieces before eating it (or doing some other weird ED ritualistic eating behavior). I am reminding myself that it is my goal to be like the staff - not like the clients.

• Today, in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we had an assignment which was to think of someone who cares for you and then write a letter that is to you from the other person. This was a super hard assignment. It almost made me cry, sitting in that room. Because, instead, I just went through person after person... and couldn't find a person who I thought cared about me. Every person who I thought my care about me... I found a way to invalidate it. So, the assignment just made me feel bad about myself - and then it made me want to write an apology letter ("I'm sorry I'm a horrible human") to all my family and friends. I finally thought of one person who I do think cares about me - and I couldn't invalidate it in any way... so I wrote the letter to me from them.

• It's very helpful that I have the privilege to help cook. I learn a lot.

• We got a new girl today. Maturity-wise, she seems quite young.

• I think I am making good progress... and you know why? I think it really comes down to my attitude. I think my attitude is what is making me make good progress. When confronted with a challenge (which is every day), more times than not, I'm turning fear into gratitude... and, I'm becoming grateful for the opportunity to push my limits, to challenge my old ways, to learn something new. I'm open to staff feedback... when I don't understand at first, I LOOK for what I could get out of trying their suggestions. I feel like I'm pretty consciously being optimistic in this whole process - optimistic a/b challenges, optimistic a/b doing things I don't quite understand - and it's working to my benefit.

• I am doing the work. I am really eliminating a lot of my behaviors. And I am feeling uncomfortable, but I'm searching for new ways to handle these feelings.... and I'm getting through it... I'm really changing my relationship with food, body, and self. I know I am.

• Today, one of the clients looked at me and said, "I know everything's not always easy for you, but I look to you as my example - because I know you'll be recovered. I know you will be." And a therapist who was nearby nodded. That made me feel so proud :)

• My Angel Card this week was the Angel of Expectations. The card says to always expect the best of ourselves. We're supposed to think a/b this card as we go throughout the week. So far, I'm thinking of a couple of things: 1) What I think is my "Best" might be unrealistic. I might have unrealistic, perfectionistic standards for myself. I might need to hone in my self-expectations to be more human. 2) In order to meet my "best" self-expectations, in order to rise to that, I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself in order that I can rise to my own self-expectations and be able to spread love and spread my gifts to others.