Program Day 45

• I had an easier time with food today. For some reason, I woke up, flipped over my index card to see what I'd end up eating for my meals and snacks, ran downstairs, and easily made and enjoyed breakfast (cottage cheese with berries and nuts and a slice of toast with butter). I noticed that, although I wasn't ravenous before eating, I did want a little somethin' somethin'... and I enjoyed eating my food. I let myself be someone who eats more. In other words, I held myself to the same standard as I hold others to.

• I ate lunch at program. Since I'm IOP, I bring my own lunch. My index card said "Egg Salad on Bagel." Well, I didn't have egg salad, so I used chicken salad. I didn't have a bagel, so I used bread. But I know that bread isn't as caloric as a bagel, so I added dried fruit to my chicken salad and included a side salad with a spoonful of full-fat dressing. They check the IOP meals before we eat them. They told me my lunch looked restrictive. I explained to them how I created the lunch - how I added dried fruit and used full-fat dressing. They told me a more appropriate lunch would be to include something else in the salad besides just spinach and to include sufficient fruit. So, they gave me a peach and also made me have half of a bottle of ensure in addition to the peach. I whispered to the RD "But I think my meal is 600 cals. I counted it while I made it." She said, "Hmm... I think it's not quite 600." I said, "Well, maybe I rounded up." And she cracked up and goes "Yeah, rounded up by about, say, a peach and 1/2 an ensure? Yeah." LOL that was pretty funny.

• I noticed that I get psychologically full a lot. As soon as anxiety while eating starts to set in, I swear I feel full. Today at lunch, for example, by the time I got to the peach and the ensure, I started to not want to eat it. And, immediately after I finished my lunch, I felt "woah, that was a lot of food. I'm really full." But like, 10 min later, after I had engaged in conversation and all, I realized I wasn't as full as I had originally thought. My mind was telling me I was too full, but if I really tuned into my body, it wasn't too full.

• I wish I could be hired by a treatment center as the Culture Manager. I want to help create a pro-recovery, honesty, truth, no judgement, bonded culture.

• In my individual therapy session today, my therapist told me that I am like her sunshine and such a calming and positive presence to be around. Then she said that, because of that, giving therapy to me is like having therapy herself. I thought that was so nice of her.

• In my therapy session, I updated my therapist on how my food is going (it's a constant challenge but I have the mental tools to be able to do it and I'm doing it better than ever so far... 100% of everything inside and outside of the program for the past few days - if I get to count Ensure as my dinner last night). I updated her on exercise (a couple of urges to run this week but nothing that I couldn't manage. And that's down from several urges a day. It's gone from several urges a day to a couple a week. And I haven't broken my exercise plan in, I think, a month now? more than a month?) And I updated her on my feelings - feeling so insecure.. having this constant feeling of doing something wrong... not knowing how to evaluate my actions... if I don't use the ED or the goal of pleasing others to evaluate myself, then how do I know if what i'm doign is right nor not? It's a search for a balance between being selfish and selfless. It's like I'm looking for a moral compass within myself. I used to use pleasing people or pleaseing the ED as my own little gps system. Now I need to use myself - but I'm not sure how to do that. My therapist wasn't super helpful here - but we also dind't have much time. She told me when I'm feeling down a/b myself I can question it (duh, I know... hello CBT...) She told me it's like I'm searching for an identity outside of the ED (that might be true, but that's not really waht this is about).... she told me I'm in search of what I like and don't like (I partially am, but that's not what this is about. This is about figuring out how to evaluate myself, make decisions, guide myself, etc. using my own criteria - without the criteria of pleasing others and/or pleasing the ED.).... <-- I need to write a/b this.

• I have my ceremony from going to php to iop tomorrow. For it, we have to write an EAter's AGreement. I will write it and make a post of its own.

• I'm so freaking hot and my legs want some stretching. I'm not allowed to go running to stretch my legs so I think I'll jump in the pool with my family. That should give me some stretch and it should cool me down.

• I dont' expect dinner or evening snack to be a problem tonight. I'll update if it is. If I don't write again today, I'll assume all went smoothly....