I went to yoga this morning and set my intention to stay in the present, to notice when my mind wanders and to pull it back to focusing on my present breath. Boy did my brain give me a run for my money!
I want a brain-echtomy. Or an off switch.
I spent nearly the entire time calculating calories. Thinking a/b lunch and counting the calories in lunch. Thinking a/b how I could make my own - not pre-planned with Tracy - lunch and have it be hte right calories. If I include avocado and cheese do I get to eliminate the cookie? If I include cheese then should I cut the chips in half? It was just counting and recounting and recounting calories. I HATE making food choices when I'm trying to make the "Right" choice. And then, of course, I'm doing calorie math for the whole day... and....I am getting sooooooo brain burnt out. Literally, it feels like my head is on fire.
And this is what my mind was doing in yoga, when everyone is lying on the floor, lights off, and breathing.
I kept noticing and pulling my mind back to the present - and I'd get some relief... so that's why it's worth it to keep practicing.
But I am SO frustrated with eating right now.
My brain HURTS.
Seriously.
I don't know what to do.
I liked in PHP how the choice was just taken out, and I just ate whatever the heck they served me. And I didn't have to think. All I had to do was "Get through it" and try to enjoy it.
I need to take that same approach to my off days and off meals. I need to just eat the meal without thinking.... but the CREATION of the meal makes my brain go all psychofreakmathcaluclator on me.
I really need a plan here b/c this is seriously ruining the quality of my life.
How am I going to approach meal creation?
One answer is to just eat what's on the meal plan only. But the problem with that is that I only have some lunches that include measurements and exact amounts, and I'm not okay with only eating those - b/c those aren't necessarily as good tasting... and then I run the risk of eating only the same things all the time - and I've already done that before and I ahte that.
So... how else will I approach meal creation?
1. I will use index cards.
2. If I start to notice that I'm craving other things and feeling disappointed and trapped in by having to use the index cards, I will bring this up with Tracy.
3. I will tell her what sort of things I wanted to eat but couldn't b/c it wasn't on the index card and we can talk a/b that.
4. For now, for my own safety, and for my own peace of mind, I'm taking choice out of the picture. I'm going to use the index cards to eat lunch. As I said, I'll keep track of what other sorts of things I feel like I'm missing out on - if it comes to that. But for now - no choice - use index cards.
(wow, this is so unnecessarily complicated.)
5. The sandwich meals that Tracy gave me stress me the eff out b/c I seriously think that they are over 600 cals. So, until I talk with her next (which is very soon), I will not make myself eat the entire meal. I'll take one side away. I am giving myself permission to take one side away.
6. the other meals I have on my index cards do not have portions/measurements with them. I will make them using my best judgement, without measuring, and without calorie counting. I will do my best to NOT count calories, or, if I do, to remind myself that "I accept all calorie numbers." I will do my best to not think ahead a/b upcoming snacks and meals. If I do, I'll pull myself back to the present.
What can I say to myself to help my brain take a chill pill?
I accept all calorie numbers.
Nothing is out of control yet.
My body doesn't have rules.
This is just an experiment. If it turns out this was a bad idea, you can go back to eating less. For now, notice the taste and enjoy.
you're okay. It's okay. Your'e okay. It's okay.
Breathe.
I need to pretend I'm in program.
I need to pretend that I have no option.
Instead of fighting the higher amounts of food.
I need to accept that I am now a person who eats more calories than I can comprehend.
I'm experimenting with eating more calories every day.
I'm finding out if my body actually likes it better.
Instead of resisting, I will choose to accept - at least temporarily accept.
Just the idea of accepting this makes me feel better.
ok, that is the key for now.
Accepting that I am a person who really does just eat a lot more than I used to.
I am accepting that.
I am embracing that.
There's nothing I can do a/b it.
In eating more, I'm searching for the truth.
The truth that there's no good and bad foods.
The truth a/b how much our bodies truly need.
The truth that no human ever should feel guilty after eating.
The truth that our bodies know more than our brains.
In searching for the truth, I will make some mistakes.
No one mistake or even one week's worth of mistakes is catastrophic.
I accept that this is a new way of eating.
I will embrace it.
I will enjoy the yummy flavors as I seek out the truth.
I feel muuuuuch better now.
K, shower time.
Then lunch.
A lunch in which I will demonstrate that I am a new kind of eater.
A lunch that will help me push my limits
A lunch for which I am grateful, as it helps reveal what is truth and what is lie.
A lunch for which I am grateful, as it is an opportunity for learning, for nourishment.
A lunch which, in the end, is just a lunch. Nothing more.
keeeeep breathing and wheeling those obsessive thoughts back in. Letting go of calorie counting made me feel a million times better. Also, I know what you mean about it being so much easier when you're served the food and you know you have to eat it. I was re-fed with the Maudsley method when I was 17 so my mom prepared all of my meals. I prefer someone else telling me what the right amount is, because when I'm left on my own, any amount seems like too much.
ReplyDeleteKeep being honest :)
I hate the obsessiveness that can control our minds. It is hard to center and focus on the present with things like yoga in general but then add an ed into the mix and... forget about it! But it IS possible. With alot of practice, you can get to that point of mindfullness.
ReplyDeleteI can understand so much about the meal planning thing. My tx keeps trying every so often to get me on the intuitive eating instead of meals plans but it ALWAYS is so much more of a struggle to eat intuitively because all those thoughts you have mentioned in your blog are running wild in my head.
But we will get there! we both will! It just takes practice and lots and lots of patience!
hang in there, you are working hard and doing great! seriously.