symbolic dream and being in a really good place

I want to be asleep right now, but I can't stop coughing so I guess I'll write a blog. I have a lot to say so I'm going to try to be brief about each subject.

-----------------SYMBOLIC DREAM---------------------
You know, Jane has this metaphor. Remember this metaphor? Jane actually calls it a demonstration. A month or two ago, Jane decided to give a demonstration of recovery. She always gives demonstration. So she stood up and told me that I should imagine she's standing on stage. Then she threw her hands in the air and said, "Ta da!" (lol... okay....). She goes, "This is the stage of life. When you have an eating disorder, there's one character in the play: the Eating Disorder. the Eating Disorder is front and center and is controlling everything. It's conducting the orchestra; it's directing the other cast members to stay backstage, etc. When I met you, the eating disorder was front and center, running the show. During recovery, the Eating Disorder slips away from center stage (she takes a couple steps back) and starts to get swept to the side (she steps to the side), and other characters come out. These other characters are different parts of you and things you know and like. These other characters get stronger and more front and center. AT some point, the character that represents your true, core you becomes the main character and is standing front and center.....And, eventually, the EAting Disorder character is backstage. In the wings. Sleeping. Or maybe reading a magazine. So, you see, we're not getting rid of it, we're just taking it backstage. And during a time of high stress, it might come running back out again and take over front and center. But if you let the play go on long enough to give the other characters strength, then they will simply outshine the ED when it tries to run back on the stage and the ED will realize it can't be front and center b/c it can't compete with the other characters so it will slink back to the wings again

Anyway, I had a symbolic dream last night that relates to this metaphor of recovery. I dreampt that I was in a play. I was just a minor character though. Jane was the stage manager of this play. As I was approaching the theatre on show night, Jane told me "the lead is out sick tonight; you have to be the main character now." I freaked and said, "What?! I can't be the lead character! I don't know how!" She said, "You know the lines don't you?" (Well, yes, I did know the lines) "But I don't know what to do on stage - knowing the lines isn't enough," I protested. She said, "It's okay. We're doing the show puppet style tonight so I'll be in control of your actions. Now go get your costume on."

I reluctantly went to get my costume on. I put the costume on and it did not fit. There was space between me and the costume. It just did not fit on me! I went to Jane and said, "I can't be the lead! See? The costume doesn't fit!" She said, "What are you talking aobut. It fits just fine. Look in the mirror." So I looked in the mirror, and, sure enough, the costume did fit. But I could only tell it fit when I looked in the mirror. IT did not FEEL like it fit. The costume felt awkward and uncomfortable and silly. Everytime I looked down all I could think was "This doesn't go well on me."

the play started. I was the lead. We were doing it puppet-style, which meant my ankles and wrists were tied to strings and Jane was controlling the strings, helping me get through the play with the right movements. AT the end of the play, at curtain call, I was lifted into the air to do my bow. I bowed to the audience and all was normal. Then I was dipped below the stage to greet the orchestra. When I looked into the orchestra, I found that I KNEW EVERYONE! They all excitedly waved at me and said, "Oh! We've been waiting to see you!"

The next night, I came back for another performance. I was again ifnromed that I'd have to play the lead. I went to put on my costume and, again, felt like it didn't fit. I went up to Jane to tell her I can't be the lead because my costume doesn't feel right. She said, "It might not feel right, but it is right. You'll get used to it." Then she informed me that, tonight, we were not going to do the play puppet-style. This worried me a ton! I told her, "But I don't know how to do the play without your help!" She said, "Yes you do. I'll be watching from the booth. You can always look up in the booth and I can give you guidance from there if you need it, but you'll be fine." Then she turned around and left. I was left there, alone, feeling how awkward my costume felt and worried that I wouldn't know how to play the lead in the play. Eventually the play started and, actually, it all went fine. In fact, I forgot about the fact that my costume felt awkward (I guess I didn't really forget because I kept thinking "how come I'm not noticing how my costume feels awkward?") And the play ended just fine.

Then it was curtain call. I was looking forward to curtian call because I wanted to say hi to my friends in the orchestra again. This time, though, as I did my bow to the audience, I realized that I knew everyone in the audience too!!! I was so excited. I wasved to all of them. They all waved back and said, "We've been waiting for you to be the lead!" Then I looked up in the booth to fine Jane smiling. I said, "Jane, I know the audience!" She said, "They're the same audience as always, you just couldn't see them before."

And the dream ended with me just feeling very happy and content.

--------CHANGES AND IMPROVEMENTS-----------

I had a really enjoyable brunch and art museum visit with my friend today. The brunch was in a small, very cozy and warm restaurant with communal tables. Last time I went to brunch with my friend, I ordered the fruit plate and I ate like 1/4 of it. She recalled this and said, "Wow, I'm so proud of your normal order today and I am so happy you ate all your food!" (Yes, you get used to having weird comments like these when you are open about your ED to your friend). Anyway, it made me think about how, true, the last time she and I had gone to brunch, food was so much on my mind and I didn't even realize how abnormal that was at the time. When I think back to our last brunch date, I remember waking up at her house deciding that I have to cut back on my food. I remember orering the fruit plate and purposely only eating a certain amount. I remember standing up in the middle of the meal a few times to check to see if I were full (heaven forbid I eat until I'm full!) And I can go on to remember the rest of that day according to food.

I really am in the best place I've been .... ever since the whole ED began. Several times in the last two and a half years, Tracy and friends and Jane have told me things like "You don't realize how abnormal this all is. You don't realize how much these ED thoughts are weighing (no pun intended) on you." I alwasy responded by saying something like, "No seriously, it's not that bad. I don't feel like I'm only ever thinking about food. It used to be worse. I'm happy. I'm fine enough." This is true, it had been worse. But what I'm only beginning to realize now is that - yes, food was a major cause of distress for me over the last several years and, lately, it's not nearly as much of a source of distress. Seeing the difference makes me understand the degree to which things were really still messed up with my food and my thinking even at times I thought they were better. It's also making me realize how free I feel right now, lately, in regards to food. At the same time, I know I'm not 100% "better," but I really am getting there.

At this time last year, Tracy was asking me if I wanted to try to add variety to my daily menu. That was a definite "no-way-Jose!" from me. I just wanted to eat my meal plan and stick to that safe little plan. There was no way I could try to remain healthy enough to teach and eat a variety of things! Waaaay to scary for me. Now, that's nothing like how I feel! In fact, that's the opposite of how I feel.

Also, I'm thinking of the marathon I ran 2.5 years ago (right before beginning to talk to Tracy) and how I agonized and sweated over my decision of what to eat for breakfast on the day of the race. I ate an entire luna bar and that was this big, crazy deal. Then, after the race, I remember feeling paralyzed and unsure because I ate half of a bagel. Oh my. That's nothing. But I remember those thoughts really consuming me. Thing is, i didn't realize they were consuming me. I mean, I was still abel to have conversations, smile, and laugh.... so who cares if I'm trying to justify half a bagel after running 26.2 miles at the same time as having a conversation? AT the time, I would have just seen it as so normal that I wouldn't have thought anything of it. Looking back, I realize how abnormal I was in terms of how much thought went into food. Now a days,... are u kididng me? one luna bar before a marathon? I don't know how I didn't die. I would certainly eat like 5 luna bars before a marathon now! (If I were going to eat luna bars)

Im also thinking about how last year I would get stressed at the fact that my roommate had certain food in our house (cereal, peanut butter, other snacky foods). Iw as so afraid I'd sleep eat it, and often I would. Now, I don't allow myself to keep anything and eveything in the house, but I allow A LOT MORE in the house and it doesnt' stress me out. Also, I haven't slept eaten in a while now. A month and a half?

I was also thinking about how last year, one time, I ate a mini hershey's thing after school, and it caused so much questioning: "what do I do about dinner? do I eat dinner?" Or, one time, I had a fun size bag of m 'n ms after school and I made a choice to still eat dinner and it was a really hard choice and a big deal at the time. That was in like... March. I look back at that now and think, Wow. At this point now, I would not feel nearly as much guilt as I felt last year.

I just haven't been feeling guilty or anxious around food like I used to. I haven't been thinking about it like I used to. I just feel better than I have ever felt in regard to food. And it feels great. And I wonder "woah. so this is what life can be like? Is this really okay? should I go back to some restriction?" But I don't actually take that question seriously.

U know what? I wouldn't trade my current weight for a lesser weight if it meant having more of an ED. Not long ago, I would have traded in my weight for more of an ED - that's how much my size meant to me. Now? no way. The price is too high.

I'm not a small person. But I might be just fine the way I am - at this size - more or less - anyway.

You know what I've thought a few times today: HOW COME EATING DISORDERS COME ON SO SUDDENLY AND TAKE A HOLD SO QUICKLY AND, YET, TAKE FOREVER TO GET RID OF?! Even people who get help for their ED after "only" having one for a year or something end up seeing their ED as such a defining, life-changing, life-altering experience. It's not a small deal. Having an ED (no matter how long you have had one for) ends up being a big deal in your life. How does htis happen? How come we can't just quicly return back to normal? return to pre-ED? People say "it took a while for your ED to take hold, it'll take a while to recover now." Is that ture for anyone? I mean, for me, it took like one month for my ED to take hold. one month at most. seriously. it was pretty instantaneous. And now I've been in therapy for 1.5 years and have been seeing a nutritionist for 2.5 years. And I was telling Jane how I've been talking to Tracy for SOOOOOOOOO long. Jane said, "Well, not really, the average recovery time for anorexia is 6 years. Maudley has a much shorter average time, but for people not doing Mauddley, the average is 6 years. 6 YEARS?! REALLY?! WHY?! That's all I want to know is why? Why does it take so long? Why does it end up being so hard? I'm not asking "why" as in "why me, no fair!" I'm asking why out of curiousity. I mean, how it is it possible for the ED to make such a mark on a person's life in such a short period of time. How is it possible for it to take so long to climb out of a hole that you dig for yourself relatively quickly?

----------------------------

I'm lately thinking of all these things I want to do in life. I want to live, connected to the world. I want to live not just inside myself. I wnat to live at the very edge of my face. I want to feel like a real person. Some things I want to do:

1) I want to figure out what the professional teams are in my area (check. did this today.)
2) I want to have a staff party for fro yo shop workers.
3) I want to send holiday cards to friends and family
4) I want to have a holiday party for friends. I know people in the area but a lot of them dont' know each other. This could be a way to get them to know each other.

These are just things I'm thinking of recently... i'll keep a running list of things I want to do to make me feel more like a "real person" who is living at the edge of her face (connected with the world. present.)


--------------------------

Food today - NOT a decent day. That's not to say it was all bad, but the qualifications of a decent day ate two fold: 1) 3 meals (today was a little different b/c of brunch), 2) choose foods I want. It's because of # 2, that today is not decent.

Thoughts about todays food:
1) Good that there was no anxiety around eating (I'm serious. none.)
2) Good that there was zero calorie counting
3) Good that Brunch was such an easier experience than brunch has ever been before
4) Good that I ate dinner and had the mindset of "i'll eat again" all afternoon after brunch as oppsed to "what should I do now?"
5) Not good that I Ate too much food. I shouldn't snack so much.
6) Ate at times I didn't even want to be eating.... this is not a good thing
7) Good that I don't feel guilty even though I know I ate too much and I have no problem having a normal day tomorrow.

Food for the day (I'm hesitant to write this down but honesty is good so..)
Brunch: 2 poached eggs, tomato sauce, carona beans, some sausage all, some small croutons, some parmasean cheese cooked in a cazuela and served in the cazuela. (VERY GOOD. I should have taken a picture. It was beautiful.)
Snack: 4 oz fro yo with chocolate chip topping
Dinner: unmeasured brown rice (not very much, though. 1/4 cup at most), almost an entire mahi mahi burger (3/4 of it? 2/3 of it?), spinach/mushrooms/broccoli/peppers cooked in unmeasured (1/3 cup?) coconut pepper sauce (90 cal per 1/3 cup) (all of this mixed together)
Snack: 2 handfuls of pretzels, a handful of chocolate covered macadamia nuts (didn't want them), and 1/4 cup peanut butter (also didn't want it)

And I didn't exercise today because my spine still hurts every time I step and I can't get a deep breath in. Maybe I'll run by Tuesday. I don't think I'll run tomorrow though. I can't wait to run again. But I think I first have to be able to breathe better.

I really don't know what was up with that last snack. I was aware before eating it that it would make me feel congested. I was aware I wasn't hungry. I was aware I wasn't even craving it. So I don't know what that was about.

Also, my hunger cues are really off the last few days. I'm just not feeling hungry. The only way I could tell that I was hungry for dinner was that suddenly my stomach hurt so much and I thought "well, it has been 11 hrs since I've eaten (besides the 4 oz fro yo), maybe my stomach hurts because I'm hungry?

So, yesterday, my temperature was 101.5. Today, in the morning, it was 95.8 (So apparently I have an anti fever today. ha. Feels a lot better though!)

Edit: I now feel hungry. Maybe I ate all that out of hunger and didn't realize I was hungry? Even so, it doesn't count as a decent day. It's ok.

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i have more to write about future stuff... I have A LOT to write about future stuff acutally, but this is getting too long so it'll ahve to wait.

Schedule tomorrow:
-breakfast
-conference call for tutoring center
-pack lunch and dinner
-go to tutoring center and plan/prep afternoon lesson
-jane's / lunch
-tutor
-fro yo store/dinner

thinngs to tell jane:
dream
improved conversation with tracy (talked about healthy restraint. felt reated with dignity. felt trusted to not be triggered)
possible change of future plans
ways i perceive my boss's perception of me
museum/brunch outing (she likes it when i'm social)