Day 29, Tutoring, Interpreting People, Brunch

I love tutoring. I really do. It puts me in a good mood the second the kids open their mouth. It just brings my spirits up and makes me smile. I woke up today, and I did have a fever, but I went on and tutored anyway (yes, I know... not necessarily a kind idea...). So I was at the tutoring center, prepping for lessons, not really feeling very well, not particularly looking forward to working with my first student, the 4 year old. He just requires so much energy and creativity on my part. But my entire mood totally changed the second I saw him. I waved at him through the window as I saw him approaching. He, running on his tip-toes, started waving back. Upon entering, he ran up to me, grabbed my hand and said "R-e-d Color Red." (HAHA!) I said, "Yes! That's right! R-E-D does spell the color Red! Very good memory!" Before I could even finish that, he ran over to a green sign on the wall, started jumping up and down next to it, pointing at it, saying, "Color Green, Color Green, Color Green. G-r-e-e-N Color Green!" Before I knew it, I forgot I wasn't feeling well, I forgot that this was "work," and I was smiling and super excited for him. I'm really enjoying working with this cute little kid. Besides the fact that he is beyond adorable and just cracks me up, he represents a challenge that I'm being successful at - so that makes me feel good. I'm learning how he learns, and I'm learning little, subtle ways to increase his vocabulary while we also learn letters, sounds, and words. I'm seeing the results. I'm seeing his English improve. I'm seeing him retain information. And I'm so proud of him! Something hilarious about him is that he mimicks my tone of voice. So, for example, today we were working on the /H/ sound, so we were running around finding little objects which I had hidden that starged with H. We'd find it, we'd draw it, we'd say it, we'd write it, we'd say it in a way that overemphasizes the /h/ sound, we'd circle the H in the word that spells the object, we'd write the letter H in isolation (capital and lower case), then we'd say the /h/ sound. As we do this, I'd say something like, "Yes! Great! The Letter "h" does make the /h/ sound! Letter "h" Sound /h/ like in "h-h-house." As I said this, I'd use a little bit of a motherese voice. He would then mimick my tone of voice and say, "Yes! Letter H sound /h/! Great!" In the same tone that I used. ..... which would just make me fall over and crack up because.... I mean, how funny is that?!

--total subject change --

Like a lot of people, I really care what people think of me. I don't mean to say that I care if people think I'm "cool" or "Trendy" or "popular." But I want people to like me. Therefore, I try to please. Sure, some of the "trying to please" is genuine kindness, but some of it is trying to please so that I can feel liked. I feel so much better when I have assurance that someone likes me. I never want to mess up, disappoint, or fall short of expectations. I get assurance that people like me by what they do. I take certain things to be a sign of them liking me: it could be compliments or smiles or them telling me things like "seriously don't even worry about it" when I have to ask for something (like a day off). So, I take positive feedback as a good thing - that's normal and accurate. (There are some exceptions to this. When I was a teacher, I didn't believe any positive feedback b/c I thought it was all unintended lies; I mean, no one was in the room with the kids all day long except me, so no one really knows how good or bad of a teacher I am..... so when they said I was doing a good job, I just disregarded it.). I take negative feedback extremely negatively (this is not to say I take constructive criticism negatively. I actually take constructive criticism really really well.... I see it as helpful and I seek it out all the time. I just need to feel believed in while I receive the constructive criticism I think). But it's the area of "neutral" feedback that I take harshly too, and that's the part that doesn't make sense. Here's an example: I have three bosses at this tutoring place I work at. I feel like 2 of them like me and I feel like one of them hates me, and that makes me feel bad. I want him to like me and think I'm a good tutor! But then I ask myself, "Well, why do I feel like he hates me?" This is why: he rarely smiles at me. When I talk to him, he answers back in as few words as possible, he doesn't ever wave to me or greet me when I come in, when he talks his voice is monotone. So why do I feel better about myself around the other two bosses? Because I feel like they like me. Why do I feel like they like me? Because when the talk, their tone is enthusiastic; because when I compliment a kid for being so smart, they tell me I'm a good tutor and should give myself credit; because they tell me they "give me all the hard cases to work with;" because they wave excitedly from their office at me when I enter; because when they go to star bucks they ask me if I want anything. Anyway, when I think about it, this man boss doesn't necessarily not like me. In fact, he has done some things that show he thinks I'm a good tutor. When the tutoring center needed a new person every Friday from 3 - 5, he sent out an all-tutor email and then he called me specifically and said "I'd like you to do it. Will you?" Today he asked me if I wanted a bagel. Today he did come up and make some small talk with me. So, I don't actually have real reasons to believe he thinks I suck. Just because he isn't bubbly and showy-of-his-thoughts doesn't mean he hates me or that he thinks I'm incompetent. It's just something I've been thinking aobut. Noticing it makes me feel better; because I'm aware he might not hate me or think I suck; maybe I'm just perceiving "neutral feedback" and "neutral interaction" as "Bad." Jane would be interested in this.

--total subject change--

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for brunch in the city. I am so not even kidding when I tell you I have never ever ever once eaten Brunch in the past several years without it massively screwing me up. In the recent past, it causes me to freeze up and not know what to do with the rest of the day (how many more meals am I supposed to eat? but I already ate xxx calories so now what?) IT causes me to restrict only to, ultimately, overeat, which triggers guilt and self hate which triggers restriction, which triggers bingeing..... and then I'm in a cycle. In the less recent past, brunch just caused incredibly guilty feelings and caused SUPER EXCESSIVE UNNECESSARY restrictive compensation for the following days. So, you can see why I'm always nervous for brunch. Always. It's like I feel like Brunch = doomed. But you know what? I'm truly not nervous for Brunch tomorrow. I know I'll be okay. I really think I will be. I'll treat it as a heavy brekafast. And I'm going to assume I'll have 2 meals afterwards (because if I assume I will have only one, then that just puts me in a restrictive mindset which never does any good). If I end up not having 2 meals and only having 1 meal after brunch, that's okay too. Tracy says people sometimes eat a snack between brunch and dinner, but they usually eat enough to not require a full meal in between brunch and dinner. Anyway, there are a lot of variable in this: how hungry I end up being, how much I end up eating at brunch, etc. But I feel okay about the variables. I feel able to "wing it." I'm not scared for brunch for the first time in a while. It's a nice feeling.

After brunch, at this awesome restaurant (uses a daily changing menu depending on available local ingredients), we are going to the exhibit at the San Francisco Museum of Modern ARt. AFter that, I'm working at the fro yo store. I still really feel crappy (I am feeling worse by the hour it seems like), but I'm still going to hang out because I don't know how to break plans.

-total subject change-

I'm counting today as Decent Day 29. Just remember: the point of this is not to discuss whether or not this was truly "decent" or "normal." Simply framing something as a Decent Day helps me have an even more Decent Day the next day. So, yes, I am aware there's not enough food. I am aware meals are not balanced. I am aware there's not enough vitamin and minerals and everything else. This, today, is about the existence of 3 meals. It's decent given where I'm coming from - yesterday, which was not decent. It's decent given the fact that eating makes me feel worse (sickness wise) right now. And it's decent given the fact that I have zero appetite. Decent Day is about a rhythm of eating and really that's all.

B: packet of oatmeal

L: almost 1 cup of butternut squash apple soup

D: 1 english muffin with 2 tablespoons maple almond butter

S: 8 oz fro yo (very bad idea. Talk about increasing congestion)

S: unmeasured (1/3 cup?) brown rice with large pinch of shredded cheese

(I did not exercise today)

Thoughts on the day:

There was no calorie counting until the very end, then I got to a "too high" number but I told myself "it's okay. You're not goign to gain weight form that number" And I let it go easily.

I wasn't that hungry until the rice at the end, but I didn't use "not hungry" as an excuse to eat irregularly.

There was an ease of eating and zero anxiety whatsoever about food today

It's good that there were 3 meals because this was a day where it would have been very easy to not eat in a rhythm

I know it's not enough food, it's not balanced, yadiyadi... but it's good enough for today given that eating anything made me feel worse (congestion/throat) and given the fact that I had no appetite.