decent day 32 + Good Friends :)

Food:

B: 2 whole eggs (cooked in a thin layer of olive oil!!! (read more about this in the THOUGHT section) + entire whole wheat english muffin.

L: 1 packet of oatmeal (I craved a salad with chicken sausage on it and suateed veggies, but that was unavailable)

S: 1 square of dark chocolate

D: 1 small sweet potato topped with a little more than 1/4 cup black beans and 3 chicken/broccoli nuggets (There was more on my plate, but I stopped wanting it/got full)

S: 1 spoonful of ice cream, 3 samples of fro yo

S: 5 chicken/broccoli nuggets (the rest of dinner)

(still no exercise. I'm feeling A LOT better today though. I think I will run tomorrow. I can breathe better today - running seems possible now)

THOUGHTS:
---No calorie counting
---No anxiety or guilt around eating
---Felt aware that I'm not super thin but felt okay with that anyway. Also aware I'm not super fat. ... body wasn't a big issue today.
---Wasn't particularly hungry before anything today, but I ate anyway
--Breakfast was a huge deal to me because I craved eggs, so I went to make 2 of them. I realized I didn't have cooking spray, which means I'd have to either coat the pan with butter or olive oil. I don't own butter so it'd have to be olive oil. Normally, I wouldn't have even considered doing such a thing. I'd just have eaten oatmeal to avoid cooking eggs in a pool of olive oil. But, I didn't want oatmeal. I wanted eggs today. My body craved protein. So, without really even thinking much about it, I grabbed the olive oil and drizzled some in the pan, rubbed it around to coat the pan, and cracked the eggs. And it was no big deal! It was okay! IT was fine!...... This is huge.

---Im really not htat hungry lately. Maybe it's because I haven't run in a while.


I was talking to my friend today (Willow) about how I sort of have taken a break from life starting this summer going until now. I was saying how, yes, I have been working 2 jobs, and, yes, my days do get filled, but I don't have nearly as much stress as I used to have or as other people have. I told her that "all" I have done is go to therapy. She responded saying, "Well, in a way that's true, but that's not really anything small. That takes a lot of work. Not only does it take a lot of time, but it takes a lot of mental effort. And, in order for it to be effective, and in order for you to get healthy, you had to actually be able to spend time on your own, when you weren't in Jane or Tracy's presence, carrying out things you were working on, things you were learning and talking about. You had to actually do the work. That was like a full time job. And you did it! It is working. It really is working. You will be able to say that you did it." I don't know why, but that made me feel really happy. I always felt silly when people commented on progress or when people said things like "I know this is hard," because I always felt like, "it's just a stupid eating disorder. it's not that bad. and I don't need congratulations for learning how to eat again..." but... well, now that I've come pretty far... I do feel proud. I do feel happy. I do feel like 'Wow, it worked! It really was possible all along!" I do feel proud to be among the people who have made progress. I'm not saying I'm totally eating disordered free, but, one day soon, I will be. And I feel proud. I'm glad my friend appreciates what that means to me.

My other friend called today too. She was a friend who lived with me for the years that I was physically my worst. She staged intervention after intervention. She called my parents on several occasions actually, for several years at a time. I screamed at her, I stomped my feet at her, I hysterically cried as I told her to "please believe me that I'm fine." And, eventually, I gave her the silent treatment. But, with my other friends, our friendships reached a breaking point. With Beth, we had about 2 weeks of silence, and then we always remained friends. Today, I apologized to Beth for being in denial, for screaming, for crying, for putting her through all of that. She responded in the best way possible. She said, "Don't say sorry! You are one of my best friends, and, yeah, sure, you had an eating disorder, still have a bit of one probably, but I always cared about the real you - the you that I could see underneath that eating disorder. It was just sad as I watched the eating disorder get bigger and bigger than the real you. Maybe you lost sight of the real you, but I never did. And it was the real you that I always loved, always cared for, always fought for, and was always friends with." I mean... wow! (Thank you, Beth). (Then we had a little laugh as she pointed out that had she said those words to me in the past, I would have just started begging her to believe that I don't have an eating disorder. I wouldn't have appreciated what she was saying).

During our friendship, while I refused therapy, she ended up in therapy because watching me and my ED was so hard for her. (Sorry, Beth) ...Beth and I took dance class together in college once. I never could finish the class because I had no energy due to the ED. One day, I literally thought I was going to pass out or die or something from being so hungry. I just, I knew I couldn't dance. I just, my body felt wrong. I told Beth "I can't go to dance class. I really need food." She pulled out carrots and a PB sandwich and gave it to me. I ate the carrots. Today, on the phone, Beth told me that she packed that sandwich and carrots every single day we had dance because she was so afraid that I'd desperately need it and, simultaneously, so hopeful that I'd all of the sudden want to eat. So, she was ready for when that moment happened. (Wow again). When I told her I was beginning to talk to Tracy, and, later, Jane, I can't even describe to you how happy and relieved she was. She cried out of happiness and always wanted updates.

So, anyway, I thought she should maybe know the "end" of this story - or at leas the fact that the story is about to end. So, I told her tonight. I gave her a short summary of what's gone down in the past six months. I described to her where I am now. I told her I don't even have the words to articulate how I feel now,... the only way I could express how I feel now (which is so radically different and better) is through dance or poetry. She told me that, other times, whenever we've talked about this, there was a tone in my voice that sounded like it was filled with shame and embarrassment and denial. She said that, this time, when she talked with me, I sounded different. She said I sounded honest and confident. It's just nice to know that other people notice the positive changes.

These are a lot of reflective, weirdo posts lately... I'm just... I'm processing everything I've been though in the last 2.5 years (since moving to CA and teaching) and in the last 6 years (since the ED). I'm trying to keep track of what happened, why, hwat is happening now, how did htis progress happen, and where do I go from here. I am just now looking back at my life adn putting all the pieces together....

Other Highlights of the day:
-worked with a great coworker at the fro yo store
-we closed quickly and I got home before 11pm
-tutored, which, as always, was enjoyable

Tomorrow:
-Talk with Tracy
-Run!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
-Tutor
-Fro yo