(updated) Nutritionist appointments lately

Why do these conversations with Tracy bug me lately? It made me mad AGAIN today!

(I am going to use this blog to figure it out. I'm going to start out venting and then sort it all out)

I think there's no point to talking to her anymore, which is kinda sad because I love her and she's helped me so, so much.

Maybe I end up frustrated because I don't even know what I need from her, therefore I dont' know what questions to ask her.

Maybe I end up frustrated because she's all concerned that I'm "getting off track." Yes, true, I had more eating disordered thoughts, but I will not end up off track.

She wants me to get back to normal sized meals.

She doesn't seem to think I eat unhealthfully. And she doesn't seem to think it's important to eat more healthfully than I am.

I want to know what she eats. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE EATS!

I asked her if it's normal to say "hmm... do I really need this?" when looking at a food item and, concluding, that, no, you could do without x food or y ingredient. I asked her if it's normal to purposely pick the lower calorie option when looking at foods. I mean, there are non-eating disordered people who are nutrition aware and health conscious. Do they ask themselves these questions?

She says it's only normal to say "Does this sound good to me right now?" "Do I want this?" "Is there a slight appetite for it?" She says it's not a matter of "Do I need this or not." Okay... I guess that's right. If you do that, you won't want the unhealthy thing if you're stuffed and just had a huge meal most of the time.

I was like, "What's so wrong with what I'm eating!" She was like "Nothing! That's the thing! You're not eating super unhealthfully. You're not eating too much. You still eat on the light side. It's still technically under eating on many occasions. You'er not doing anything wrong. You're allowed to eat bread and peanut butter."

She said that when I say "I don't feel like I'm eating healthfully," that what I really mean is, "It's bothering me that I'm not eating primarily only fruits and vegetable."

She says she looks at my eaitng and thinks it's healthy. She considered bread and peanut butter to be healthy.

She says most people eat 1 or 2 unhealthy "junk items" every day. And that's fine! okay, good to know...

She says that I'll eat 1 "unhealthy" item and decide my whole day is "too unhealthy" or decide that I'm getting "too snacky." She says, you can eat 1 unhealthy item (or 2 even) and still have a healthy day. She says that she doesn't see me getting "too snacky" at all.

So why does all of this bother me? Maybe it bothers me because I WANT HER TO SEE WHAT I MEAN! I WANT TO HER TO GET WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY ... but I don't even know what I'm trying to say I don't think. I think I feel this way when I feel unable to express myself. And that's how I feel now. I feel ... I feel SOMETHING inside me but I can't express it.

What am I trying to express? I'm trying to express that I want to eat well. I'm trying to express that I think there are ways my eating can improve. I can't even figure it out right now. /maybe talking to Jane tomorrow will help me figure it out.

sTill, isn't there a problem if, lately, every time I go to therapy I have to "Deal" with my emotions left over from my nutrition session? I mean... I just think there's no point to this nutrition stuff anymore.

I guess I just don't know what my goal is. My goal, obviously, is to not have anxiety around food. but my other goal is to eat healthfully.... and i'm just not sure what that means.

maybe nothing's wrong and that's the point. Maybe my eating is fine enough and I should stop caring about it. Maybe i should just settle down and stop worrying about my eating.

I just wish I had gotten more out of the nutrition session. I just truly don't know what hte point of htem is anymore. They feel obligatory. At least I don't have to talk to her until next friday. that's nearly 2 weeks. fewf.

it's weird that tracy has gone to being my guiding amaizng leader (aka GOD) and now she frustrates me. that change is sad.

I told tracy i was eating too many dense foods and she says "dense foods are great! people with eating disorders shy away from dense foods, and that's why the end up in trouble."

I just want her to know what i mean. but how can i expect her to know what i mean when i, myself, don't even know what i mean.

At one point in my food diary, i wrote: ". It’s tempting to just decide to see the ED voices as my God or something and arrange my life around following them (yeah, pretty bad to admit that). So, I’m not even going to think… I’m just going to do the healthy thing even if I can’t remember why that’s a good idea. "

To that, Tracy compared ED to an abusive relationship. She said it's like women who say "Wait, why is my abusive husband bad again?" She said, intellectually, they know it's bad to go back to him. But, emotionally, they just want to. She told me, you can't always trust your emotions in regards to how you feel about the ED. True. True dat.

I don't like being left frustrated from these conversations. I think what's most frustrating is that I can't even figure out why I'm frustrated.

I want to just ignore Tracy. I don't even know what the hell she wants me to do. Well, she told me. She wants me to eat meals, eat bigger portions, and not shy away from dense foods. She says I can add produce back into my diet but it needs to be on top of everything else.

Whatever.... I am going to ignore her and do what makes me feel good (no, that is not saying I want to go follow the ED) and we'll see what she thinks of it.

I just don't even care. I feel bad I feel this way. But I'm so annoyed and frustrated.

It makes me want to starve myself I feel so annoyed. But I cannot do that. So I won't.

I'm going to pretend we never talked.

I need to stop talking to her I think.

Blah. I can't want to talk to Jane tomorrow.

There is no point of nutritional counseling for me anymore. For real.

Tracy wanted to help me plan out what I was going to eat the rest of today. I want to be like, "WOMAN! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP PLANNING OUT WHAT TO EAT THE REST OF THE DAY. I DON'T WANT TO EAT LIKE THAT. I DON'T WANT TO EAT OFF A PLAN ANYMORE. I WANT TO SPONTANEOUSLY EAT. AND JUST EFFING TRUST ME TO DO THAT AND I'LL BE FINE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL HAVE FOR LUNCH, BUT, WHEN IT'S LUNCH TIME, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT! GOSH! I AM NOT SO OFF TRACK THAT I NEED TO PLAN WHAT TO EAT THE REST OF THE DAY!"

and then she said we need to watch the exercise and, perhaps, have to scale back or stop it for a bit of time... WHAT?! NO! i would never do that. i already did that for her for a long, long, long time and i'm done doing that. there is no point to that. she was like "do you think exercising brought back the ED thoughts?" And I was like, "no! are you kidding?! exercise makes me feel great!"

I need to try to think logically. I need to try to admit the truth.

okay - truths about my state right now:
1. there is a calorie limit that is sneaking back into the picture.
2. now that i acknowledge that, i also acknowledge that I need to ignore that.
3. i believe i can ignore that.
4. i do feel more "allowed" to eat when i run.
5. i do know that is disordered.
6. i think i can ignore that and allow myself to eat real meals when i run anyway.
7. i want to eat foods that my body craves.
8. these foods would sometimes be dense foods and i'm okay with that.
9. i would like to feel some warm vegetables inside me lately
10. i do not want to eat entire meals based off vegetables. that's not what i'm going for.
11. i do have unstable body image right now.
12. but i'm able to live with that and it doesn't bring me down.
13. i do wonder if I eat like an unhealthy american a medium healthy american or a healthy american
14. i would feel better about myself if i ate heatlhier. not self-esteem. but mean, just how i felt inside.
15. what do i mean by heatlhier? i am actually not sure. i think it means: variety, produce, whole grains, foods that satisfy my cravings.
16. i am starting to shy away from allowing myself to feel full and satisfied.
17. that is not a good thing. i need to actively fight that. and tell myself it's okay to feel full and satisfied.
18. people (healthy people) do feel full and satisfied.
19. i think i can allow myself to feel that.
20. i am starting to want to feel "lighter"
21. i don't know how easily i can ignore that one.
22. i do still have a commitment to eating 3 meals that are comprised of foods i was craving and make me feel good.
23. i have been counting calories lately.
24. i do believe it's worth it to decide not to count calories
25. why it worth it? because calorie counting -->daily calorie limits -->restriction-->eventually body overriding mind and eating more than daily calorie limit-->guilt-->binge-->guilt-->restriction-->lack of presence in life-->seriousness and sadness. oh yeah. that's why it's worth it.

So what is bothering me? what bothers me about these nutrition appointments?
I still don't know.
Maybe it's the fact that I think she's assuming things about me that are not true?

But what do I feel like she's assuming about me?

1) She is assuming that I'm slipping into more eating disordered mode.
Well, I am. Or I was. Based off those numbered items above, i was starting to get in a more restrictive mindset and the calorie counting was getting more active. okay, so she was right. so i'm not mad at her anymore because she was right. and i acknowledge it and i'm on the same page as her and, armed with self awarneness, i would like to fight off the ED thoughts and refuse to act on them.

2) She is assuming it's extra important that I have "real, solid meals." Well, it is important. Because the more of these I have, the quieter the ED thoughts get. Maybe I was getting mad because I interpreted that as "i don't care that you want to be healthy. i want you to be fat." But that was wrong. she is not trying to make me fat. She is trying to protect me from the ED thoughts getting out of hand and, eventually, taking over. Eating real, solid meals does not mean meals without produce. Eating real solid meals does not mean unhealthy meals. It does not mean bingeing or overeating. And real, solid meals do not make you fat.

3) She is assuming that my eating is healthy enough. She says I can add produce and that's fine, but she is telling me there's no need to take away bread, peanut butter, and other foods that, according to me, are "heavier." I guess I actually agree with her. She's not saying "no produce." She's saying, "yeah, sure, go back for more produce. but you are not be unhealthy by eating bread. you would be being unhealthy by only eating produce. but whole grains and some fat and some dense foods are good for you too. and normal people eat them. and you can add produce in there too and that'd probably make you feel even healthier." I guess I agree with that. Thinking about this, I can imagine eating in this way. I can imagine ways that I can eat produce without also eliminating the starches and the proteins and the fats.

4) She's assuming that my ED thoughts can be sneaky and come in without my noticing. I wanted to say "Hey! I'm not so messed up!" She said to me, "You've had an ED for a long time so sometimes the thoughts can e so habitual you don't even notice." Actually, she's right. That's okay that I've had this ED a long time. It doesn't mean I'll have it forever. She was just trying to protect me by saying that - to tell me to watch out. She was not trying to insult me.

5) She's assuming I'm going to fail. She says I should check in with her regularly. She says she wants to touch base with me before our next appointment because she wants to really make sure I get back on track. I want to say "What! You don't think I can do it?! Why do you think I'm failing!" Now that I think about this, she has talked with me for almost 3 years. She has seen me make progres, slip back, make progress, slip back, and so on. She's just seeing a rise in ED thoughts and trying to support me ing getting back to the place where there were less thougths and the terrain of "recovery" was easier. okay, so that's not mean of her; it's kind of her.

okay, i'm not mad at her anymore.
i think we're on the same page.

Thanks for "listening."

So where do I go from here:
1) Eat 3 meals
2) Eat foods my body is craving (this will be some combination of denser, macronutrient rich foods and produce)
3) Keep vigilent and self aware so that I actively fight against calorie limits and other things.
4) ask my questions when I wonder "is this okay to eat like this?" Get feedback. Get it from bloggers, from tracy, from jane, and from willow and nicole.