Decent Day 33, Better safe than sorry, symbolic dream (again)

It was strange; I really wan't that hungry today. I could have just totally skipped lunch and dinner, but I ate them because it's the healthy, "decent" thing to do. I also never really felt full either. IT was like I could eat and feel no different than before I started eating. Maybe some days my hunger/fullness signals are just duller. Or maybe some days I'm just less in touch with them.

Food:

B: 1 whole egg + half a whole wheat english muffin

Ex: Run 6 miles in the freezing rain (this turned out not to be that smart of an idea. While it was fun at the time, I know have a more sore throat and a cough that goes through about 30 min phases of being relentless. Sticking to the treadmill for the next lil' bit....)

L: one and a half cups chicken noodle soup and a few bites of an apple (only a few bites because I literally forgot I was eating it until like 2 hrs later when I walked past it and thought, "oh! Right! I was eating an apple. I forgot!" By then I didn't want the apple and it was brown anyway)

S: 1 spoonful of ice cream and about 4 sample cups of fro yo and a miniature (like, one bite-worth) brownie

D: 2 whole wheat pitas + one and a half cups chicken mulligatawany soup (indian lentil/veggie soup)

EDITED (immediately after writing blog and was all of the sudden super hungry and din't want to go to sleep super hungry: 1/2 whole wheat pitta stuffed with heated black beans and a pinchfull of full-fat cheese.

Thoughts
-zero calorie counting
-zero anxiety
-I did wonder why I didn't feel very hungry ever
-ate what I was craving
-ate at regular intervals (3 meals)
-Trying to honestly reflect on if there was anything disordered in my approach to eating today, but I honestly can't think of anything...
-never felt too full or too hungry.

Take Aways and Goals from Conversation with Tracy -- AKA Better SAfe Than Sorry

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY: KEEP TALKING TO TRACY WEEKLY
I had every intention of telling Tracy today that I was ready to only talk once every other week. But, when I talked with her today, I changed my mind. Here's why: I'm so close. I'm so close to "full freedom" to "no ED." I feel so wonderful and confident right now that I just don't want to mess with anything. I don't want to change anything until I've been doing well for a little longer. You know? Tracy is being useful. she's guiding me into normal eating. She's an outlet to whom that I can share my successes and a resource to whom I can ask my questions. And it's SO nice to have that. She wants to collaborate to acknowledge all the successes and progress but look out for hidden, lingering ED thoughts/behaviors, uproot them, and squash them. I am sooooo for that! Because if anything is left lingering, then I am left vulnerable for regression. And I don't want any chance of that! And, honestly, I don't know if I feel confident enough to feel totally safe from regression without the same frequency of Tracy. I just... I feel so good/better than I have in years right now that I just am playing it safe. Decreasing sessions with her is too risky for me right now. It's just not a gamble I want to take. So, I want to talk with her weekly still. I want her to help me recognize any weird behavior/thought/motivation/anxiety that is still lingering. I mean, since I'm so close, shouldn't I just keep up this frequency of "treatment" that's working and finish it out as opposed to slowing it down just as I near the finish line? I just don't want to risk going backwards. I want my new healthier behaviors and healthier attitude to become habit. So, I think I'll Keep Tracy around at the same 1x/week frequency for a little while longer... until I'm absolutely confident that I run no risk for regression. Does that make sense? I mean, I just don't want to jump the gun on this. And I'm not sure if I would be jumping the gun to decrease sessions with her. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't... I can't know for sure. But I do know that, if I am jumping the gun, the cost is regression... and that cost is too high.... so I'lm going to stick with Tracy 1x/week.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY: SEEK OUT LINGERING, HIDDEN ED SYMPTOMS, ACKNOWLEDGE THEM, AND WORK TO ELIMINATE THEM.
Tracy and I talked about my "thoughts of the day" that I write on my food diary (they're the same ones I write here). She asked me if I'm also trying to evaluate if there are any disordered things going on or if I'm only recording the positive. The truth is, the positive is more noticeable to me right now. I would definitely write down something disordered if I was aware of it, but I'm not taking the time to reflect and ask myself, "Was there any hidden motivation for this? Any disordered thing going on? Any lingering behavior or thought?" I'm going to start asking myself that question now at the end of the day. Because I know am getting a serious taste at what life can be like ED-free. I'm also realizing that other times when I thought I was "good" and "fine," that I was still held back by the ED and, therefore, not experiencing the great quality of living that I am experiencing now. It makes me wonder "Is there anything I'm missing now?" I mean, I feel like the sun has just started to shine so brightly. I wonder, am I missing anything that I could address that would make the sun shine even brighter? Know what I mean? Tracy commented that I seem to be a lot more honest with myself. When I talk with her, I seem to be able to admit where things are not yet fully great and where things are majorly improved. I seem to be in a place where I'm able to hear and accept comments about how I am still tied to the ED. In fact, I am in a place where I want to know ways in which I'm, unknowingly, still tied to the ED. Tracy's point was that my major progress has come in the last 3 weeks and "no one just recovers this fast in 3 weeks. So there has got to be some lingering things. Let's find them." I'm totally with her on this. I want to find it all, voice it all, and take care of it all. I want no lingering ED going on. I want full freedom. So I'm going to be on a mission to catch any lingering ED thoughts/behaviors. Tracy advised that, if I do, I should still get to call it a decent day if there were still 3 meals and I still chose foods I was craving. She advised that I remember that if I find disordered things, it does not mean that I'm not making wonderful progress in other ways. This isn't black and white, all or nothing. So, with that good advice in mind, I'm going to reflect, I'm going to look, I'm going to try to catch ways in which I'm still tied to the eating disorder. Because I'm trying to keep it real with myself and others. It's better to look for those lingering ED symptoms, catch them, squash them, and be safe... then not search for them, get by without noticing them, then they act up one day, and I'm sorry. Once again, better safe than sorry.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY: CHECK IN WITH TRACY AT LEAST EVERY OTHER DAY
I used to call Tracy every single night. I have called her every single night for about 2 years. About a month after beginning to talk to her, she told me to call every to "check in," and I have called every since...... until lately. Lately, I have not called at all. Then, usually, at some point in the week, she'll e-mail and ask how everything is. I'll say it's all good. I just have no desire to check in. I don't need to. It's no longer helpful. It's a chore. This has been fine with Tracy. However, On Monday night, I'm leaving to go to Michigan for a week. I'm going to visit my gramma, who is all of the sudden dying. She will die probably within a month, max. So, essentially, I'm going to say good-bye. Tracy thought it might be a good idea if I check in every night or, at least, every other night again. Her reasoning was that, even though I'm doing well, I'll be dealing with time change (which throws off eating), an ill gramma, a new place. I don't forsee any ED problems, but, Tracy's right, you never know. Better safe than sorry, I will call. Why? Because maybe by calling I'll be more reflective. Maybe by calling I'll remember why it's worth it if it, unexpectedly gets hard. Tracy says if it does get hard, we will set up a phone session for next week, even though it's Thanksgiving. So, I'll check in - Better Safe than Sorry.

It all comes down to this: I have NEVER does this well in regards to the ED before. NEVER. I have NEVER felt this good. I have nEVER felt this free. I have NEVER felt this confident that this really, truly, actually can all come to an end. I have NEVER been so sure that I actually will write the final page in my ED story and put the pen down. So.... I see how precious life is. I see how this is all worth it. And so, I'm inclined to be better safe than sorry.

Tracy and I had a great conversation today. I appreciate being able to share my newfound freedom with food. I appreciate that she treats me with dignity and shows me that she trusts me. I appreciate that she is willing to let me have the conversation I need to have: about normal eating, about healthy restraint, about normal lack of healthy restraint, about nutrition, about emotional/spiritual connection to food. She said to me today, when looking at one of my days of eating, that I had had a small lunch, but, I had had a rather substantial snack later. She said, "Okay, well good, it seems like you know that if you're not hungry for as much at the moment, you don't have to eat as much, but you're open to eating more later when the hunger does hit. That's a very natural way of eating." I really appreciated that she was able to see that even though the lunch was smaller, because of my healthy approach to the food at the time, it was not a disordered moment. I appreciate that she didn't pick apart the lunch for lack of sufficient macronutrietns. Rather, I appreciate that she noticed the normalcy of simply eating more later.

Even, at a few points in the conversation, I pointed out things I ate that I didn't actually want. I said that when I crave sweets and I have a small piece of chocolate, I really enjoy it. But, lately since I've been letting myself have chocolate when I crave it, I sometimes just eat chocolate when I'm not craving it. But it's just not as enjoyable when I'm not craving it. She said 1) that what I'm eating is okay because I'm not bingeing on chocolate and I'm not overeating, and 2) she thinks I'm eating the chocolate/sweets because it's exciting that now I allow myself anything I want. So, I eat it because I WANT, to WANT it. But, the truth is, sometimes I don't want sweets/chocolate. We talked about how even eating things when you don't want them is a) just fine as long as you don't do it in excess and b) good because it reinforces the lesson that you want to wait until you really want it. At one time in the food diary, she said, "Okay, so you learned that, in that situation, you would have been fine without the snack too. It's fine to have the snack, and it's fine to not have the snack. Either way. But if you really want to enjoy it, save it for when you really want the snack. The key here, though, is to never beat yourself up if you have the snack but didn't want it." I'm so happy Tracy is willing to have these conversations with me. IT shows me she trusts my ability to handle these conversations without being into restriction.

Last week, on a few occassions, I ate full-fat cheese. Tracy I think almost passed out today when she saw this. I'm so not even kidding.

I had another crazy symoblic dream, but I don't feel like writing it out becaues I'm so tired, and I have to get up early. In fact, I'm also pretty hungry now. Go figure, wasn't hungry all day and now Im hungry. I'm falling alseep though so I'll just eat breakfast when I wake up in 6 - 7 hours.

Tomorrow is super busy:
-Be at Tutoring Center by 9am
-Tutor until 3:30
-Work at fro yo store 5 - 11pm