Day 24 + observations

Day 24 - is a super good day. In a way, it's not ideal because there really is too much food, but it's so good because it is SOOO not disordered and there are lots of things I did today that are just really good "normal" things to do... things that I wouldn't have been able to do not that long ago.

Food:
B: 1/2 a banana (it was all there was available at that hour and half of it was bruised, so I didn't eat that half)
Ex: Run for 1 hr 12 min
L: Entire sandwich from Wolfgang puck in the airport (ciabatta, chicken, provolone, spinach, red pepper, cilantro aioli)
S: 12 oz peppermint mocha
S: A couple sample cups of cream based soups at Whole Foods
D: 1 serving spoon size (about 3/4 cup) curry chicken (chicken, currants, curry sauce/mayo sauce) and 2 serving spoons sizes of "Forbidden Chinese Black Rice" (black rice, sweet potato, red pepper, sesame oil, shoyu sauce)
S: unmeasured amount of PB flavored fro yo (I forgot I had it in my freezer. I wasn't actually hungry for it (but I also wasn't full), but my throat and head hurts and I just thought something smooth and cold would feel good.)

Thoughts:

-I'm back to being hungry again. I'm just in shock that I can eat real meals and be hungry again by the next meal. And not just a teeny bit hungry... hungry enough for a whole meal. It's kinda fun.


-ease of eating even though I had some major food and some things that, normally, cause a lot of "overthinking."

-Kept just saying to myself "Would my mom/dad/Nicole/sister/brother eat this?" (those are all ppl that have very healthy weights and also eat normally for the most part? (this is important to note because it shows I was aiming to be "normal." Usually I don't want to quite be "normal" because, eating "normally" means that I'm eating too much. The fact that I was aiming for "normalcy" shows I'm not aiming to be any different than "normal" in terms of eating.

-No calorie counting until the mocha, and then I decided that, if my sandwich was 1300 cals, then I had had a little more than 1600 ish so far. And I thought I it's still okay to eat dinner. I knew I'd eat it. I just figured I'd probably want less and I probably wouldn't be hungry. I proved myself wrong. I was hungry and I did want more. I let myself eat it. I did not cal. count after the mocha though. I have no idea how many cals I've had today and I'm okay with that.

-All-in-all, the mocha was a good experience. I have really wanted a peppermint mocha for about 6 - 7 years and neve rhad one because it was too "bad for me." I always would say to myself, "Sometime this winter I'll get a peppermint mocha," and then I never would. Well, I got one today. I was proud and glad that I let myself have it.

-I chose what I was craving to eat today. I did not choose based off of calories.

-I noticed myself being a lot more flexible with that "1200 net calorie limit" thing. After I counted calories after the mocha, I thought to myself, "Well, if I end up having a dinner that is more than 150 cals, I'll be eating more than 1200 net cals today. But then It hought "that's okay. People can eat 1600, 1700, 1800 to maintain their weights. I can eat more and its okay."

-I can say, in all honesty, that, lately, I'm not aiming for weight less. Before, a small part of me definnitely was aiming for that. Lately (and I don't know how long this will be true) I'm okay with weight maintaining.

-I felt pretty normal today.

-I think it was good to have the mocha because I was shaky and definitely needed something to bring up my blood sugar. Plus, I think if I had avoided eating just because I ate the larger-than-normal lunch, I would have increased obsessional food thoughts, increased chance of picking/grazing/overeating/sleep eating, increased thoughts of "I can't eat," increased guilty feelings after eating.

-I really do believe it's good to give yourself what you want when you want it. My body (like your body) is trustworthy. It's okay to give it food when it craves food. It won't end up wanting to overeat constantly or binge on chocolate. It will want food to make it feel good. Some days it wants more food than others. Some days it wants more sweets than other days. I am starting to think this is all okay. I kind of am enjoying feeding myself what my body wants.


Okay, subject change....

I just got back from Wrockstock (3 day concert of bands playing harry potter themed music all day long). It is the 3rd annual Wrockstock, and the 3rd time my sister and I have gone. I had a lot of reflective thoughts while I was there. I probably had these thoughts because this Wrockstock experience was much different/better than previous ones. Also, with a relaxing schedule, no cell phone, and limited internet, my brain was free to reflect and think. So, below are things I thought while at Wrockstock. I am going to tell these to Jane tomorrow:

1) I was able to do a reality check with myself a couple of times this weekend. In other words, I was able to catch my disordered thoughts taking over, and bring myself back to sane thinking. I'm glad I was able to do this because, in the past, I just had to stay disordered until my next appointment and then hopefully be pulled back to normalcy. This weekend, I noticed I did it twice on my own.

-Example 1: I was feeling fat becasue of what I had eaten and becasue I had let myself get mfuller than normal. My fat feelings were making me want to isolate myself, not connect with people, and not participate in the world around me. I was suddenly not wanting to be around people, not wanting to have fun. I was starting to go into "shut down mode." Then I did a reality check. I had been feeling okay about my body yesterday. I realized it's not possible to look that different between now and yesterday. Therefore, this fatness is a feeling and can't be a reality. That helped me be able to ignore it and jump back into the moment, having fun with people, dancing freely at the concerts.

-Example 2: I was feeling fat/bad because my stomach was sticking out because I had eaten the whole sandwich (today at lunch). I thought, "I am getting so fat. I should have just eaten one-fourth of the sandwich." But then I thought, "It's not possible to have just instantly gotten fatter because of one sandwich. I might be bloated but that will go away." And that reality check made me not feel bad that my stomach felt like it was sticking out. And, lo-and-behold, it wasn't sticking out within the next 30 min and I was hungry again 4 hrs later.

2) I have had healthy desires that are more powerful than desires to be thin. I saw some people who are definitely thinner than me this weekend. I thought, "Yeah, I could be that thin. But then I'd have that weak and serious demeanor abou tme. I don't want to go back to feeling like that. I'd rather stay at my current weight than feel the way I felt when I was thinner." Usually, I remember mostly the good feelings that came along with that lower weight (you know, feeling good about yourself because you are in control of your food and body). But, this weekend, I also remembered the bad feelings. I wouldn't want to go back to being that thin because it'd mean I'd have to go back to feeling like the walking dead. I'm just not willing to feel like a hungry walking dead person just to fit into a size x.

3) I realized I actually do have friends in the area I live. And these friends like me. They want to hang out. They miss me when I don't call/text in a while. They are my real friends that I can assume I can regularly hang out with. They ahve done their part and shown interest in hanging out. It is my job to communicate back, regularly try to schedule hang out dates. I can list the people who have texted me things like "hey, haven't heard from you in a while. when can we get together?!" Then, beyond those people, there are other people I know who I can call to hang out to. Now it's just up to me to text back and say "yeah, these days are good for me this week. what works with you?"

4) This weekend gave me some evidence that I have higher self-esteem this year than previous two years.
--I bonded with people this year. I sought them out. I initiated conversations. I introduced myself, walked up, gave hugs, started group dances, etc. Other years at wrockstock, even though I was surrounded by people, I felt like I was there alone. I assumed I was not really a part of everyone somehow. This year, I assumed I had the same right as everyone else to make friends and connect with people. And I had a great time. I connected with people (talking, smiling, dancing, catching people's eyes, touching shoulders/arms, hugging) this year. The other years. I some how assumed I was somehow different/separate from everyone. I felt this year the way I felt pre-teaching. I don't think it's the eating disorder that lowered my sense of self worth; I think it was recovering from the eating disorder + teaching simultaneously that lowered my sense of self worth. REgardless, I felt like I was closer to my old self this weekend.
--I bought CDs and a sweatshirt. I think this shows that I felt like I was a part of the weekend and not just an ugly person int he background who is just there to watch/chaperone my little sister.

5) I had a more adult/realistic interaction with my sister and I was more able to handle her affection this weekend.
--I was able to relate to her more as equals as opposed to me acting like her mother and her like my baby.
--Yet, even though we were relating like two equals for the most part, there is still a mother-daughter-esque relationship between the two of us, and I treasure it; I like it; I think it's sweet that she falls asleep in my lap for the whole plane ride for example.
--She is so obsessed with me that, often, I just find her looking at me. She just stares at me and smiles. And I have lately been so uncomfortable with this that it makes me kind of passive aggressive towards her. I just couldn't handle so much attention and affection from her. I think ti's because I just felt so ugly and disliked myself so much, that I didn't want her to look at me either. But, this trip, I was totally able to receive her affection and give her affection back. I wasn't uncomfortable with it. It was all natural and cool.

6) Lately, there is noticeably less anxiety/thoughts about food around. I remember exactly what I ate the last two years at wrock stock. I remember being hungry at concerts. I remember sitting at a concert and worrying about the lunch I had just eaten. I remember not eating because they didn't have anything "safe." This time around, I am fairly certain I will not remember anything in terms of food - except maybe I'll remember that I ate a lot of PB.

7) I am noticing a loosening of the 1200 net cal. rule. I am eating a lot more things that I don't know the calorie count for. I am not measuring things either. I also see how important it is that I work on stopping calorie counting. I see how calorie counting is the cause of a lot of unenjoyable things (it encourages cal. limits, sense of failure, uptightness, overeating, guilt, frozen/paralyzed feelings, feeling of being different and separate). Also, I see the connection between anxiety and calorie counting. I am, every day, getting a little looser about the cal. counting.

8) People commented on my health and thinness a couple of times. I'm truly not that thin of a person, but the people I was around just happened to be not very thin themselves. Today, someone said, "Io can't believe you're exercising while you're here. You skinny girls..." also, one person was talking about how she's excited to move out of CA because then she doesn't have to care about her weight anymore b/c "there's so much pressure to be thin in LA," she said. I made some comment in agreement and she said, "yeah but you don't have to worry about your weight."

9)The only eating habbit related comments I got were:
--"You never eat from the main line. Smart. you get your food faster." (referring to the cafeteria)
--" You take forever to pick what to eat."
--"You and your health food..." (only b/c I didn't have a plate of mashed potatoes)

10) I learned things about myself

--I am a morning person. I like to be up early, enjoy a slow cup of coffee, and then be active. I don't really like that much activity in my evenings though. I like just relaxing in the evenings.

--I don't really like concerts that much (even though I had a good time this weekend) because I don't really enjoy super loud environments.

--I love dancing (but I already knew that about myself)

--I like acoustic guitar and piano and good vocals a lot. I do not enjoy drum set or electric guitar very much.

--I really like chocolate, and I enjoy having some every day.

--I am a patient person and don't get bothered or annoyed very easily compared to other people.

--I love meals that are shared with others and last a long time.

--I legit. love running. However, sometimes running for along period of time increasing disordered behaviors by making me overly sensitive/less tolerant to fullness (which means I get more restrictive and, usually, it just ends up backfiring by promoting overeating later).


Alright, well off to bed. I'm tired. I slept for 2 hrs last night (because I was at a campfire, singing songs with people and then set my alarm so I could run). Time to finish putting away groceries, unpacking (maybe), and then hitting the hay.

Tomorrow:
-run, jane, tutor, tutor, tutor, frozen yogurt store

I might eat pasta for dinner, btw, tomorrow. or lunch. I'm feeling able to do that now. I even stopped at the store on the way home form the airport and bought pasta. and cheese. I might eat past and cheese soon. I'm sorta excited a/b this...

oh, also, Tracy e-mailed me. She wnated to know why I haven't left her any messages and asked me to please leave her a message or send her an e-mail letting her know how my eating is going. I always think it's funny when she e-mails me with the question "how is your eating going?" It just sounds funny. Anyway, this is what I responded:

Hi Tracy,

My eating has been good. Thanks for asking. I didn't check in because I was out of town with my sister and had really poor cell phone reception where we were. I'm eating regularly, choosing foods based off craving and not calories, not having too much anxiety or guilt (and any that I do have is pretty fleeting), and seem to be able to catch myself when my mind starts to go into 'disordered mode' and pull myself back to healthy thinking fairly quickly. I also haven't been calorie counting very much at all and have noticed less of a concern with "thin" and more of a concern with being present, energetic, and happy.

I don't think I'm just deluding myself. Sometimes I have an easier time with eating because I get more restrictive. However, I'm fairly certain that isn't the case this time. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm actually eating a little bit more. I think the fact that I'm feeling really hungry again (all the time it seems like) helps me to eat more. I'm eating some "challenging" foods, too. Also, I bought pasta at the store today. I might eat it soon. For some reason, it sounds good to me now.

Also, just so you know, I have been keeping my food diary. Instead of comments after each meal, I've been writing "thoughts on the day" at the end. On a couple of occasions, I needed to write after an individual meal (to help me deal), and in those instances, I wrote meal-specific comments. Other than those couple of times, I've just commented on/reacted to the day as a whole. That's been beneficial to me, too. I'm learning from myself that way and not getting bogged down in the details of individual meals.

Thanks for checkin in. I'll talk to you this Friday at 9:30 am unless I hear otherwise.

Take care,
Laura

p.s.: There were several occasions this weekend when I wished I could have talked to you. I just had lots of good thoughts about food that I wanted to share with you right that second :)