Day 20, progress, airport guy

Decent Day 20:
B: steel cut oatmeal with 2 tablespoons (guessing) raisins

L: 1 seving spoonful (3/4 cup total?) pumpkin wheatberry salad (wheatberries, pumpkin, currants, other vegetables, some curry-ish dressing all stirred up together) + a few bites of steamed cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli

S: small handful almonds + 2 tortilla chips

Exercise: Run 7 miles (outside in the pitch black except for the light of street lights and headlights. It was such an awesome running environment. I was telling my family how awesome it was and I was telling them how there was one part of the run where I could hardly see so I had to go slow so I didn't trip on the uneven sidewalk and my sister goes, "Wow, Laura, Sounds Awesome. (totally sarcastically)." My dad chimes in: "What, are you on a mission to get run over by a car?" This doesn't sound funny, but, at the time, over dinner, it caused our family to be cracking up.)

D: 1 small sweet potato topped with 2 spoonfuls blackbeans + 1/4 plate green beans baked with a few bread crumbs and a little bit of cream of mushroom soup + a slice of watermelon + a couple strawberries, about 1/4 of a banana topped with a few spoonfuls vanilla yogurt

S: 1/2 slice whole grain bread topped with 1.5 spoonfuls cinnamon raisin peanut butter and 1/2 a bananana

Thoughts on this day:
-It's good that I was hungry every time I ate.
-It's good that I felt a little fullness/satisfaction after each meal (except I was still hungry after dinner, which is why I had the snack), but didn't feel uncomfortably full or bloated
-It's good that I always (every time, literally) chose foods I truly wanted
-It's good that I did not count calories today (I also chose foods for which I can't perfectly count the calories)
-Room to improve: I did sort of review and review and review what I ate in my head to check if it was normal-seeming or if it was too much. I think I've decided it is normal seeming
-I'm home with my family and all the extra food in the house is not tempting me to binge
-I had some bad body image today but was able to ignore it and truck on anyway.


So, I am home with my family for about 36 hours. Friday morning, my sister and I fly to Potosi, Missouri to attend Wrockstock. So, my sister is a huge Harry Potter Fan. Harry Potter Fans (some of them) listen to a type of music called Wizard Wrock. Wizard Wrock is music that has Harry Potter themed lyrics. The tune of Wizard Wrock doesn't really allow the music to be classified into any one genre; some Wizard Wrock groups are very hard rock; some are very hip hop; some are Jack Johnson-esque; you get the idea. Anyway, Harry Potter Wizard Wrock fans come together from all over the world (literally, the whole world - not just the U.S.) every year in a small town in Missouri to have a 3 day non-stop Wizard Wrock concert. This event is called Wrockstock. We live in cabins; we eat cafeteria food; we dont' have cell phone reception; we listen to music 24/7 as well as engage in other Harry Potter themed activities (like riding a zip line that is shaped like a broom). So I have read the first 3 Harry Potter Books and seen only 1 movie. Needless to say, I am not a huge Harry Potter Fan. However, to attend this event, you have to be 18 or with someone who is 18. My sister, who regularly goes to Wizard Wrock concerts, begged my parents to take her to Wrockstock three years ago. Their response: "Yeah right. Ask Laura." So my sister approached me. My Response: "Umm.... Sure!" So, every year I take my sister to Wrockstock. This is our third annual trip. So, to recap: I'm with my family Wed and Thursday. Friday morning my sister and I fly to Missouri together. We return Monday night.

Some things I'm noticing from being home:
-My mom and sister have both lost noticeable amounts of weight. My mom tells me she's losing weight from stress (also she has started running recently). I watched everything she ate today and I think she only ate 1,000 calories. I don't think she's disordered, but she definitely isn't eating a lot. My sister seems to still be eating okay, but she only ate fruit at dinner (although, to her credit, she ate a large cookie and a cinnabon right before dinner and said she wasn't hungry. My parents have never made any of their kids eat when they weren't hungry. This regularly happens in my house. My brother or sister say they aren't hungry if they aren't hungry, and no one makes them eat. I, however, say I'm not hungry and the shit hits the fan...
-My mom received 3 books in the mail today. All of them are about healthy eating and weight loss.
-I'll admit that I felt like I ate the most out of everyone in my family today, and that made me feel self-conscious.
-I also feel like the fattest family member, and that makes me feel self conscious.
-I used to dread going home because it used to trigger bingeing for me (usually as a way to prove to my parents that I do actually eat food when, in fact, I was too restrictive whenever they weren't looking). This time, however, I notice I am not afraid of all the food around me. I am not worried I might binge. I feel in control of my food (in a good way)
-I love family dinners. I kinda just want to live with my family and eat nice family dinners every evening. I would eat so well if I lived at home.
-My sister is really growing up. And she is getting so much more confident and hilarious. It's great to watch.

update: it's 11:30pm. My sister, who I had mentioned skipped dinner because she was "not hungry," just walked into the kitchen saying she was hungry and ate some strawberries, a spoonful of PB, an open faced PB and jam sandwich, and a couple tortilla chips. For lunch she ate an empanada and a bit of rice and macaronni. She's eating. She jujst also has started running...

Some other things to add to my progress continuum:

VARIETY:
-used to feel so unable to eat anything that wasn't a fruit or vegetable and, even then, oinly in measured quantities; then when I started talking to Tracy, anything she put on the meal plan I instantly felt allowed ot eat and it was the most freeing feeling ever. However, I sort of stalled out in that, in the last couple of years, I sort of ONLY ate meal plan food. I was thinking today about how I am so much more flexible with what I eat now. This is a recent change (it happened sometime in the last few months). To eat something unmeasured and hard to quantify and hard to understand (like the wheatberry salad today at lunch) for lunch is a big difference to how I ate in the spring. For the last two + years, I only ever ate one particular salad or one particular sandwich (both of which grew in size) for lunch - because those were the meal plan foods. Now, while I still feel able toe at that salad and sandwich for lunch, I regularly eat differnet things and it is truly not causing any worry. I think this is actually a HUGE step that has happened recently.


IMPORTANCE OF FOOD:
-Pre eating disorder, if you had asked me at 3pm what I had for breakfast, it's very possible I wouldn't be able to tell you without really thinking. Ever since ED behaviors started, I can recall what I have eaten (every morsel that has crossed my mouth) for the past several days. I can even recall exactly what I ate on certain days, like vacations. First meal in Toronto? The turkey off of a sandwich (no bread). Second meal in Toronto? The fruit plate that came with yogurt to dip the fruit in. First meal in Spain? Grilled mushrooms and zucchinis. This just goes on and on... Well, over the last couple of years, I've been keeping a food diary for Tracy. So, since I've been writing all my food down, I haven't really had the opportunity to notice changes in how easily I remember food. I do know, however, that even 6 months ago, if I went a few days without writing any food down, I'd be able to instantly recall it and write it down for her. (this happened a couple of times, which is why I know this). Well, since I've been beocming upset over Tracy and sort of rebellious against the whole food goal/food diary thing, I have stopped keeping a food diary. I didn't write any of my food down this week. And I didn't want to. I decided today, at the airport, to write my food down for her so she can just see it but not include any comments/thoughts/reactions to the food. But when I went to write it down, there were SEVERAL SEVERAL SEVERAL occasions when I couldn't remember what I ate! I just had to put a big quesiton mark. I even had to end up looking back at my blog to see what I ate YESTERDAY! I am not sure what this means, but I think it's a good thing....
I see Tracy tomorrow.... I'll try to post about it.

Also, on the airplane today this guy was shamelessly hitting on me the WHOLE ride. He told me that if he had to grade my looks, he'd give me a B+, which is the highest grade he gives anyone. A- is reserved for kiera Knightley and A is left open and available for some surprise visit from a beauty goddess. We basically talked the ENTIRE plane ride and the 30 min before boarding. He was so... well, he had NO SHAME. Despite his extreme forwardness, I did appreciate the fact that when I said "no," he respected that and stopped. But, for your entertainment, here are some of his lines:

Him, prior to boarding plane: Can we hug?
Me: Now?
Him: Yeah
Me: No
Him: Are you okay with hugging?
Me: Yes.
(time passes)
Him: Well, we're about to board the plane in one minute, so should we hug now?
Me: Ha. You ahve no shame! No. No hugging.
Him: Can we high five?
Me: Yes.
(high five)
Him: Can we fist bump?
Me: Yes.
(fist bump)

Him: Are you okay with me flirting with you?
Me: I guess
Him: Are you flirting with me?
Me: No, I'm just talking to you.
Him: Because I don't knwo if your'e flirting with me or if you're just a really happy person?
Me: Yeah guys always think I'm flirting with them.
Him: Well, when you do start flirting with me, will you let me know?
Me: Sure
Him: Because I'm trying to kindly and respectfully insert myself into your life. So if you want to flirt too, htat would make this way easier.
Me: Ha.

(so it turns out we are seated NEXT TO EACH OTHER on the plane....)

(All of these conversations are just humorous to me)

Him: If you want me to stop talking to you just say so
Me: Okay
(later on the plane)
Me: I'm goign to read now.
Him: Can I read too?
(I give him a book I'm not reading)
Him: Do you have a pencil?
(I give him a pencil. He writes a message that reads: "If you want to talk again, check this box and pass it back to me." He gives me the note. I laugh.)
Him: So you're going to read. And I'm going to read. And every once in a while I'm going to look at you.
Me: Um... okay...
Him: And then I'll see if you wnat to fist bump again.
Me: Okay. You have this all planned out...
Him: Do you want to fist bump now?
Me: this is insane. Sure.
(we fist bump)
Him: You lingered in the fist bump a litte bit. Your hand lingered...
Me: My hadn did not linger
Him: IT did. IT's okay.

Him: You are exactly my type
Me: You haven't even talked to me for an hour
Him: But I know. You are very genuine and real and you're extremely attractive.
Me: Well, thank you.
Him: So where did the body confidence problem come from?
Me: What? How did you know I have a body confidence problem?
Him: What was his name?
Me: No one. I don't ahve a body confidence problem because of a guy.
Him: Her name?
Me: No, no her either
Him: Then what is it?
Me: Why do you think I have a body confidence problem?
Him: Because I can connect things. First, I told you you were thin and that's a good thin. Then you zipped up your jacket. Then, later, when your arm was outside of your jacket, I told you you were attractive and you put your arms back in your coat.
Me: Oh... well, good detective work I guess.


Him: You should call me. You're here for 36 hours. Do you think you'll call me?
Me: Probably not
Him: You can't even give me 1/36 of your time?
Me: An hour?
Him: Yes. Just call me and we'll meet up for an hour. A public place. WE won't even hug. We'll stick to fist bumping. I won't even take your nubmer. But I'll give you mine so the ball is entirely in your court.

(as we're exiting the plane and walking through the terminal, we pass a bathroom...)
Me: Hang on, I have to pee.... wait, what? Did I just tell you to hang on? WE are not together! You keep walking.
Him: Nope. You said it. This is great. I'll gladly wait.
(he waits)
Me: Okay.
Him: You know, some day we'll tell our kids that their parents met in an airport on an airplane. When people ask us what our first date was we'll say we had our first date on an airplane.
Me: This is SOOOOOOO not a date. Oh my gosh!
Him: You're looking at me righ tnow.
Me: Because I'm talking to you!
him: It's okay to like me a little.... do you think you'll give me 1/36 of your time?
Me: I dunno. Unlikely. But I don't mean to be mean. It's just I only have a little time to see my family.
HIm: It's 1/36. You knwo what? I think you are really special and if you just give me 1/36 of yoru time, I promise not to let you down. I will never ever ever let you down. Just think about giving me a chance.

(As we're going down the escalator, I'm standing on the stair in front of him.)
Him: Dahrma and Greg met on a subway and got married you know..
Me: Oh my gosh. ARe you real? Like, are you real? Is this my life. We are not getting married!
Him: I know, we're still at the fist bump stage. But one day, when we're passed that stage... but I'm a patient guy..
Me: We are not together! (As I say this I tip my head back and it hits his chest)
him: Oh! Connection! You just leaned into me.
Me: I didn't mean to
Him: You meant to. You leaned into me. So what do you want to do for that 1/36 of your time?
Me: You are brainwashing me.


(at baggage claim)
Me: Mom! Jenna! (sister)
Him: You have a beautiful daughter and I can see looks run in the family.
Me: DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME?!
Him: I have boundary issues and I just speak the truth
Then of course my mom goes to talk him up and he goes on to totally charm my mom....