Have no idea what to title this....

Not a food post!

Let me process for a bit: I'm having a really unstable day. For whatever reason, I'm apparently fragile today. I'll be fine, then somebody will say something, and my eyes will just fill up and start overflowing with this stream of tears. Then something will happen and I'll feel more peaceful. This cycle has happened three times today. (Maybe I'm getting my period for the first time in forever - ha!)

As a child, I had structure, was "on track," and made people proud. I went to school, I went to practice, I did my homework, I cared about the quality of my work, I was in plays, and I started working when I was 15, I was happy and giggly and enthusiastic about life. In college, I went to classes, I earned good enough grades, I overwhelmed my life with extra curricular activities, I sought out independent studies, and no one was worried (aside from worried about the ED). I was "on track" and people expected good things from me. After college, I didn't go backpacking across Europe; I didn't move home; I didn't flail around. AFter college, I entered an intense teaching program, because a teacher, earned a salary, paid my bills, and seemed "on track."

Granted, my post-college years were tough... they were tougher than I was strong. They flattened me. They made me wonder if I have any redeeming qualities. They sucked the life out of me. I woke up at 4:27am and was at school by 6:15am. I worked my butt off until after the sun went down. On Saturdays, I led a group of other teachers in lesson planning/prepping. We started at 2pm and worked until late into the evening. On Sundays, filled with anxiety about the start of the school week, I would perfect my lesson plans. I'd script out the day. I gave myself two breaks per week: one to talk to Jane and one to talk to Tracy. I had just moved across the country, and, basically, the only people I knew were my students. And it's hard when the only people you know are sitting in front of you, sometimes chucking pencils, telling you that the lesson (that I spent hours to create) sucks. I know there were also great moments when the students made me feel good, but my point is, I depended on my students to feel good about myself and that is not a stable source of self-esteem - ha! especially when you work with middle schoolers.

How many times did I close my classroom door behind the last lingering student only to crouch down on the floor and start bawling? Too many times to count. I was just tired. I felt like I wasn't a good enough of a teacher. And I just felt like.... it was the first time in my life where hard work did not lead to success. Longer hours, meticulous planning did not lead to success. I cared so much - too much maybe - so much that when I saw my students not invested, or when I thought not enough learning was happening, I just felt like a disaster. AT times, I felt like I should be fired because I thought I was causing my students more harm that help. I thought I was such an incompetent teacher that I was making their lives' worse.

Every day as I drove up to school, I arrive with two feelings: 1) Extreme excitement about the upcoming lesson. I had just worked crazy hard to "perfect" the lesson and I was sure it was what my students needed. I even worked hard to make it interesting, creating gameboards and game-show lessons and centers. I wanted it to go well. 2) Dead-stomach-turning-shaking-in-my-boots fear that I wouldn't be able to execute a good enough day for my students, who I cared so deeply for. So afraid that one kid would act out and bring the whole class down. So afraid that my vision of a peaceful classroom would decay into chaos in an instant. So afraid. Ultimately, I started to dread the school day. I was just... so afraid at all times that Iw as in the classroom. So afraid that the lesson would turn sour at any moment. You know, I had three kids bring guns to my classroom. I was never afraid of weapons. I was afraid of not being good enough for the kids.

More than once, I cried in front of my students. Mostly I cried because I felt like I was letting them down. I would tell them how much I cared about them as they cried, but I don't know if they really ever understood.

I started to feel bitter about my post-college years. I started to feel like I had it even harder than other teachers. I started to feel victimized and sorry for myself. My first year of teaching, I was put in a school with an administration that outwardly hated the teaching program I was a part of. My classroom was in a trailer, parked on the other end of a field, all alone, isolated, away from every single other classroom. My classroom had 38 kids in it. The other teacher, who taught the same grade, had 18 kids in her classroom. How is that fair? My principal was mean to me. She would glare at me. She would leave me notes filled with hateful words. I would work my butt off to be a good teacher. It was all I did. It was all I spent my energy on. And, instead of affirmation, I got glares and mean post-its. She also threatened to take my keys away from me. She showed up in my classroom with district officials and, in front of my students and their families, on back to school night, declared I didn't have my teaching credential and I should hadn over my keys. (Luckily, I had my teaching credential on me so I could wave it in the air and prove her wrong). Later that year, she got me in trouble for bribing my kids with cupcakes (wtf?) She said the only reason I had gotten some control over my 38 crazy kids was that I bribed them to behave by feeding them cupcakes. Later, she reported me for cheating on the district test. When my kids improved she said I cheated. I had to ask the other proctor of the test to write a letter to the district on my behalf saying that I did not cheat. Finally, I moved schools and districts. When I moved districts, my first principal took it upon herself to call the other district and tell them that they shouldn't hire me because I'm unqualified and I lied on my resume. (I did not lie on my resume). So, the district fired me before I even got a chance to work there and told me, in order for me to be hired, I had to sub there for a day. So, I subbed on their last day of school (not the easiest day to be a sub), and everything went well so I ended up staying hired. I was hired as a 7th grade math teacher. 1 week before the school year started, they changed my placement. They said I had to now be a 6th grade language arts teacher. I rolled with the punches and worked my butt off to be prepared for 6th grade language arts. Then 3 months into the school year, after I had got my classroom rolling at a nice pace, after my kids were under control, they gave me an entire new roster and I had to "Start oveR" with a new group of students. On top of this, the state of CA lost my credential and I had to re-take a test for them to give me it back. On top of that, I had a mentor who came in and made my classroom experience worse by calling my kids "stupid." I had to find a way to get her removed from my classroom. There's more, but you get the picture.

I lived in a constant state of adrenaline. Even at night. Even while I slept. Which is why I started sleep eating. I felt constant worry. And I felt like the biggest failure of a person. I turned down invitations to socialize because the world didn't deserve to have me as part of it - b/c I was such a bad person. Thus, I lived here for two years and never met anyone really.

I just... I wasn't a real person. My post college years, like I said, were tough on me - I was unrecognizable even to myself. My childish joy for living disappeared. I mean, really, I didn't even have a personality anymore. I still smiled and joked with other teachers in the staff room, but, really, I was a walking zombie. I was unconnected. I was serious. I was hard on myself. I was unhappy. I was stressed out. I was anxious. I was a mess. .....

....... but I was "on track." I was earning a salary and my parents could brag that I was a teacher and part of some sort of prestigious national teaching program.

This summer came. I needed a break. I got a job at a frozen yogurt store. IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. Swirling yogurt woke me up. I smiled at the ease of serving yogurt. I appreciated that I didn't have to feel like a deep failure. How can you fail at swirling yogurt? Parts of my real personality came back to me the more I interacted with the customers. I was deeply content at the frozen yogurt shop.

What a difference between how I had been experiencing life through teaching. I couldn't give this feeling up. I knew, in my core, that, maybe for survival reasons, I just couldn't lose myself like that again, I couldn't go back to teaching. So, I quit teaching on August 1, one month before I would have gone back to teach 8th grade Algebra.

So now, here I am, not teaching. I KNOW that it was the right decision. I do. I also know it hasn't been a waste. I mean, I began this transition with a relapse basically and, as a result, threw myself into more intensive, multiple-times-a-week therapy. As a result of this "time off" and as a result of therapy, I have accomplished important things: 1) Food and eating disorder related things are not weighing on me in ways they used to. On the eating disorder front, I am doing better than I ever have. And I have true hope (more than hope, I KNOW) that the eating disorder will go away. Even if this were the only thing that came from this "time off," that would be huge enough for it to be worth it. 2) Communication with my parents about the eating disorder has finally opened up. We had family therapy. We now can talk about it openly. 3) I learned to treat myself a little better; I learned to talk to myself a little more nicely; I learned to question my feelings of failure and to consider seeing myself in a brighter light. 4) I have reconnected with my true self. I have been reminded that I do have a personality. 5) I have come to believe that it's okay for me to seek out happiness. 6) I have made huge progress in not thinking so much in black-and-white.

So, it's not so much that I question if it was worth it or not... I know it was worth it... but I feel guilty that this is my life right now. And, today, my self-depricating thoughts were running a little wild I guess.

I guess I feel like this was a nice (and even necessary) break but it's time to move on now. And I have a lot of uncertainty about this moving on that it makes me scared that I'm falling short and "not good enough" again. Sometimes I just don't know what to do, so I do nothing. I don't know what to be applying for (jobs, what jobs, grad school, what grad school). .... so I do nothing. I am worried that now I'm starting to waste my time. I mean, I can wake up and spend 2 hours drinking coffee and not even notice that 2 hrs have passed. I appreciate that I can do this. I appreciate not having to be at school by 6am. I appreciate the sharp contrast from this to my previous couple of years. But, I just am starting to feel useless. I mean, as you can probably tell from the length of my blog posts, I have a lot of thoughts. And I can get easily lost in these thoughts... and HOURS can pass..... and, the cost of thinking so much is that I am not DOING things.

Talking to my parents this morning was actually really helpful. I'm so lucky to have them. The entire time I talked to them, tears just streamed down my face though because I was feeling like I suck at life. I told them that I'm sorry I suck, and that I need to move forward but I'm not so shame on me! I told them that I do so many things wrong. I listed them out: my scarf is on my on counter instead of hung up, I haven't folded my laundry from last week still, I haven't unloaded the dishwasher, I haven't checked my mail box in a week, I haven't deposited my check, I haven't refilled my prescription, my car is dirty and it shouldn't be, I haven't had my oil changed in a long time, .... and I have a nutritionist/therapist/and psychiatrist! What is wrong with me?! How the hell have I ended up with all three of those things?!.... and their is hair on my shower wall and I should have thrown it away, and I need to take out the trash, and........

While talking with them, I decided that I am not going to apply for grad school. That's because I'm no longer sure what I want to go to grad school in, and, in all honesty, it just no longer feels right to apply. I was feeling like a failure for not applying because it seems like applying to grad school is the only thing about my life right now that feels "on track." When people ask me what I'm doing with myself, I say "Well, I'm tutoring with (tutoring company) and I work at a frozen yogurt store, and I'm applying to grad school." Maybe it's just me, but it seems like people sort of take a sigh of "fewf, you'er still on track" when they hear I'm applying to grad school --- like I'm not okay or good enough until I mention that I will eventually be going to grad school. My parents told me that this isn't how they see me at all. They told me I'm still on track. They told me they are proud of me. They told me they don't think I'm a waste of a life right now. They told me they thought I did the right thing by not teaching. They told me that I needed to get healthy. They told me that I should be so proud of myself for making progress on the eating disorder front. My dad said, "Here's the thing. This break or whatever you want to call it is going to last about a nanosecond in your life, so don't make stress where no stress should exist. Don't feel guilty for not living a stressful life. Trust me, life will get stressful again. Plus, you've only been out of the classroom, out of a full-time job for three months."
Knowing my parents don't think I'm a waste of space is a big relief for me. I feel so grateful.

I just feel like "Okay, now, ah, I’ve had this time to sort and think and focus on getting healthy and now I’ll feel better to spend effort to move forward." And I need to actually move forward. I'm ready to. (side note: i am so freaking hungry right now I am going to eat the computer. the freaking salmon and quinoa need to hurry up and cook!) But I'm getting anxious and self-depricating because I don't know how to move forward. You konw what, thought? It's better that I feel anxious and self-depricating and am dealing with the feelings by writing and talking with my parents. Because I am pretty sure that this situationa nd these feelings are what caused my ED regression this summer. Now, the ED front is lookin' good... but I'm back to feeling the same feelings of "ah, i'm in a transition! now what?" .... and now I am able to handle these feelings and at lease I'm not turning to the ED to deal with them.... So, I'm wondeirng... What sorts of full time jobs should I apply for? I tend to read all kinds of job descriptions and think of ways that I am unqualified. But, that's wrong. There's no reason why I'm unqualified for lots of jobs. My resume is just as good as lots of other people's. I need to get a little confidence, and try to see reasons why I would be a just fine candidate. I also have lots of pressure on myself about types of jobs to apply for. What I've finally realized, by talking with my parents, is that I don't have to have life perfectly figured out before applying for things. I can just apply for things and figure it out as I go.

So, how do I make this "moving forward happen." My plan of action is to do a better job of getting up, getting dressed, and get going on mornings I have free. I'm going to try to get out of the house and be a little more aggressive on the "moving forward" front. And I'm going to try really hard to not be all perfectionistic about it. And I'm going to try hard to be self-accepting too.

Anyway, by the end of my conversation with my parents, I had stopped crying (I don't think they knew I was crying). ... but then, I opened my bank account and had less money than I thought I did. I do this thing sometimes where I get scared of my bank account, and, when that happens, I just dont' look at it for a while. This is what I had been doing for the last couple of weeks. So then I cried again. Not because I had so little money, but because I was so "irresponsible" for going to starbuck and grocery shopping. So then I called my parents (again), and, tears running down my face I told them "I'm so irresponsible. I can't just go to the grocery store whenever I want and starbucks. They told me that it's okay and I'll get through the transition period. They reminded me I'm only 24. They told me that I'll be okay. They told me that it's fine to decide to be more cognizant about the starbucks and that I shouldn't hide from my bank account, but that I can't stop grocery shopping. And then, in my ridiculous state, I apologized to them for being such a bad daughter.

So, then I walked to the bank, crying... yes, I was a ridiculous person, I was literally crying on the sidewalk while walking to the bank. I don't even know what was wrong with me! I am not normally all emotional like this! I deposited my check, and then I walked back home. It felt good to step outside for the first time all day. On my way back, something happened that put me in a good mood.

I was walking, thinking about how I'm not a real person (?? what does this mean? I dunno...) I was thinking about how it's the holidays and I want to feel like I'm a part of hte world. I want to be living at the edge of my face, not inside myself. (In hindsight, I think that I just start to go a little wacko if I don't talk to people and dont' connect with people all day. Like today... today I saw no one. I was just kind of in my own little world in my apartment....)

As I passed the starbucks on the way home, I saw that some guy was playing live music on his guitar. I wanted to feel apart of the world, and I wanted to feel soothed. So I went in and listened to the music. IT was beautiful. I'm the type of person who ALWAYS starts up conversations with strangers. People make fun of me for it all the time. So, I characteristically, started talking with the barista. We chatted for about 10 min and he was very cute... no, that's not what I meant to say :) I meant to say that he put me in a good mood. It's like conversation with people drew me out of myself and helped me to live at the edge of my face. I went from feeling like a loser to feeling normal and alive and real. THen he offered to make me a drink for free. I took him up on it and I had a soy gingerbread latte. I don't even like gingerbread so I have no idea what inspired me to order that. But I enjoyed it today. And I walked home feeling alive, rejuvinated.

I returned home, feeling more peaceful, after my starbucks trip. Then Jane called and it upset me. See, my gramma is all of the sudden dying. she was very healthy, holding down two jobs and several volunteer activities, shoveling her own drive way and all that until, suddenly, she wasn't healthy (which was a couple of weeks ago). And now she's going downhill very fast, and I just need to go there to be with her so that I can see her while she's still lucid. I talked with her on the phone this morning; she was so happy I'm coming, but she also sounded drunk :( (She is on morphine and in hospice)... Anyway, so I have to go there ... and I'm leaving Monday night to go. Because of that, I'm having to reschedule my tutoring students and, as a result of that, I can't make it to Jane's appointment on Monday morning. I had called her this morning to tell her that. She called to tell me she has to charge me for it too. I politely said "Of course! no problem!" in a happy tone of voice, but as soon as I hung up, I had to stop myself from crying over it. I just ... it was kind of a slap in the face that said "You're my job." I mean, I have never ONCE cancelled an appointment. I have never once even been late except for one time when I was 5 min late. She has even applauded my promptness. And now, I have to cancel (and it's not just b/c I don't feel like going... it's because I have to tutor to make money and i have to go visit my gramma), and she is just like "i'm charging oyu." Okay, fine... but... i dunno.

So then I was in this teary state again from Jane. And suddenly starving. I cooked dinner and the process of cooking put me at peace again.

I don't really know what the point of this post is... I just had to get it all out...

dinner was good. Now I need to go to the fro yo store.

Why am I an emotional basket case today?

I think I get this way when I don't connect with people. Sometimes it's weird living alone. There's just this huge feeling of alone-ness and it's overwhleming and scary sometimes. I think I was just feeling the effects of that today....