Decent Day 34 + Role Reversal

Decent Day 34 thoughts:
-did count calories actually (at dinner time. hadn't had any urge to count them until then. I think I counted them to find out if I could ahve another snack later or not. No, that is not a natural way to go about eating.)
-did feel calm while eating until dinner and the evening snack
-glad I had 3 meals.
-I guess I could have gotten more out of control and I should be grateful that this is how I ate today. It could have been worse. I could have binged. I could have felt out of control.
-didn't ever wonder "should I eat?" until the evening snack. And when I ahve days without that question, that is a HUGE relief.
-did feel tense and "not right" when I felt food in my stomach with my final snack, after dinner... then felt fat... but I said to myself "I'm not going there" and I tried not to. It didn't really "take me down" or anything... but I was feeling awkward and wrong in regards to food... so I just chose to ignore those feelings and go on living anyway.
-did get weird with the last snack, eliminating weird parts of it. Probably this was because I was subconsciously feeling "unallowed" to eat.
-based off of yesterday, I should be proud of myself today. I should be proud I didn't get stuck in binge/restrict cycle (in a major way). I should be proud I didn't get stuck bingeing (b/c that's happened before too).
-I am starting to feel like I'm not sure my body can handle my food without my running.
-I keep thinking I might feel hungry. Then I eat. Then I feel food. Then I get tense. But this was one of the thigns that I expected to be hard today, so, knowing that this is what I expected to happens makes it easier. Once I start running on a regular basis and start having 3 meals daily again, I'll feel better. It won't take long to feel better.

(I'll admit, this day turned a little disordered as far as the mind goes toward the end. The good thing is that I can recognize that and just choose to ignore it and not let it put me in a funk)

DECENT DAY 24 FOOD:
B: packet of oatmeal (R, I hadn't yet read your comment :) )
L: bowl (unmeasured) of chicken noodle soup + 1/2 slice of bread with 1/2 pat of butter
D: bowl (unmeasured - 12 oz?) cream of chicken and wild rice soup
S: 3 slices of turkey on top of 1/2 a slice of bread (I think I wanted to eat this b/c I wanted to feel some satisfaction, but I wasn't sure if it was really okay to eat this. I haven't exercised in so long now. I feel like my body is bigger than it has recently been. I haven't drank enough liquids today and yesterday.... anyway, I'm not going to dwell. At this point, it'd make it worse to type about it so I'm just going to go back to ignoring it and wait until I get another wave of peace....

Really, I just can't wait to exercise. It's FREEZING in Michigan and I don't really know how to run outside in the freezing weather. I brought running pants and long sleeve shirts but, seriously, I feel like I need gloves! I'm going to brave it though. I feel alive when I'm outside in the elements (sun or clouds, rain or clear, wind or calm). I think I'm starting to feel a little frozen up b/c I haven't run.... or maybe it's the stress of being the only healthy adult around right now. My aunt/uncle are coming tomorrow, but they're in the midst of heavy chemo right now... and my gramma is not doing chemo but is dying of cancer... and it's just a big rold reversal. I feel very adult. I feel like I'm supposed to be the "kid," but, in this case, I'm the "kid" that flew out from CA to be the adult for 3 sick adults.... there's cooking and serving going on. It's a big role reversal. And I hope I'm doing an okay job. I feel like I'm the big one. I'm the one making the meals, making the schedule. I feel like what I would imagine my mom would feel like if we were to have our whole (small) extended family over for Thanksgiving at our house and she was "in charge." That's how I feel right now. Maybe the stress of that is manifesting itself into "I'm getting fat and let's just eat 1/2 a slice of bread and turn the sandwich open faced instead of eating normally." Kay, Jane said to eat by the clock. I think that's really good advice. For now, I'm going to try to ignore how I FEEL and go with waht I KNOW is okay/normal/healthy/disorted.

Everyone in my family wants me to write the little blurb that goes in the paper when my gramma dies. When I studied abroad, I kept a journal, which I sent to my family (and actually read over once or twice before sending - unlike this blog! ha!)... and I've also written several other times (mostly just about situations in my life, humorous situations, realizations i make, thoughts I have....) and have sent them to my family. My family has now been deluded into thinking that I (the oldest of the grandchildren) am a good writer. This is why they think I should write the blurb in the paper when my gramma dies. I, of course, will do it, but the fact that my gramma told me EXACTLY what she wants it to say, makes it thoughtlessly easy to write. Because, I'm going to say EXACTLY what my gramma wants me to say.

Also, everyone in my family is telling me they want me to speak at her funeral (she hasn't even died yet!). I knew they were going to want/expect me to speak at the funeral. Somehow, I always end up speaking at things. Anyway, if they want me to, I will do it. i'm getting ahead of myself... she is still alive... but i'm just nervous thinking about it. I've never been to a birth, never been to a wedding, and have been to two memorial services...(don't know why I wrote that last sentence.) Anyway, if I do have to speak at her currently unscheduled funeral, I will do it, but figuring out what to say there will be more tricky....

My mom's college friend has a son my age. She and my mom always talk about this guy and I getting married so that she and my mom can be related and have an excuse to celebrate all holidays together, etc. It's always just a joke that my mom and this woman talk about. My mom has never met her friend's son, and her friend ahs never met me. So they truly have no reason to think that we would miraculously hit it off - it's just wishful thinking on their part. Anyway, my mom's friend lives down the road from my gramma. She is all excited that I'm in town at a time when her son happens to be in town b/c "oh, yay, now the future lovebirds can finally meet." My mom and her friend have convinced themselves that I am the female version of him and he is the male version of me. (This is total fantasy on their part). I'm like "Mom! This is insane! Even if I liked him, I live in CA and he lives in MI!" She's like, "Oh I know honey, we're just having fun.. I mean, how cool would it be if you married my best friend's son! That'd be so cool!" Um, sure... anyway, so now, my mom's friend is brining her son over here so that the two of us can meet (read: my mom and her friend want to test their hypothesis that their two kids could meet and fall in love, giving them an excuse to see each other more often than they do). Can anyone say, Awkward?!

I hope everyone had a great day!