Day 23 revoked

Okay, I spoke too soon. Decent Day 23 is being revoked. The good thing is that I can learn from it. The other good thing is that I have questions about it. It's nice when I can actually articulate my questions about it because then I can ask them to you all and Tracy and Jane and receive helpful information in return.

So here's what went down....

We (my cabin and I) went to dinner. I wasn't that hungry, but I knew that if I didn't eat I'd be hungry later because I had a long night of concert going/dancing ahead of me and probably wasn't going to go to bed until 2am or so. The cafeteria was serving pasta (ah, pasta...). This cafeteria does not have a large variety. Whatever they're serving is what they have. I put some spinach linguini in my bowl and touched one noodle to check the grease level. There was a lot of grease on it. I picked up one noodle and ate it. My fingers had a buttery, greasy residue all over them. In another bowl I put unbuttered, non-greasy steamed cauliflower/broccoli mix. Then I sat down at my table with several other people. I ate the cauliflower/broccoli mix and was full. I seriously was full. I didn't want to feel any more full than I felt, so I didn't eat the pasta (plus I'm sure I was also a little nervous about the pasta given the amount of butter on it). I knew I should eat because I knew I'd be starving later in the night.

So, question: What do you do when you're full but know that it's your last time to eat for the day and you will be hungry later if you don't eat now? What should I have done? Should I have just kept eating even though I'm full? (please don't give me an anwer like "your fullness signals are messed up," because, while that is probably somewhat true, it's not completely true. I do feel hunger and fullness and often experience meals where I do not feel full.... So what should I have done in this case?

Anyway, so I left the cafeteria that night having only had a cereal-bowl size of steamed broccoli/cauliflower. And, later, after the dancing, after the concerts, in my cabin, with about 10 other people, I was starving. I was dreaming of breakfast. I was counting the hours "only 5 hours until breakfast opens." I wanted oatmeal with banana and LOTS of peanut butter all mixed together.

But I was back in my cabin surrounded by non-restrictive eaters. People had the "munchies." People pulled out zucchini bread, multiple varieties of doritos, milano cookies, popcorn, etc. For a while I hovered, not touching anything, but thinking about it, contemplating it. I was aware that I wouldn't need the breakfast I was looking forward to if I ate all this stuff now. I'd lose the excitement to eat my planned breakfast. Eventually I "gave in." I didn't give in all at once. I "inched my way in." First I ate a banana. What I really wanted was granola bars dipped in PB. Why did I want that? Because I was really hungry. I mean, really I wanted my oatmeal/banana/PB breakfast, but since I couldn't have that I wanted granola bars and PB. An hour passed. I still contemplated eating more. Everyone else was laughing, story-sharing, getting to know one another, and eating junk. I was laughing too, story sharing too... I just was not as present as I could have been because I was hungry and contemplating eating. I thought about taking a chewy granola bar and eating just the top layer off of the PB. Maybe I could do that. Eventually I "caved." I opened a granola bar and I opened a PB (individual 1/4 cup size tubs) and I dipped and ate. It tasted AMAZING. I finished the granola bar and there was more PB left. I opened another granola bar. I dipped and ate. Amazing. This sort of opened the gates to more eating. And, at some point, I thought, "Whatever, I don't care. I'm just going to overeat." I counted my calories as I do this (I really think anxiety and calorie counting are linked). I counted and I subtracted a semi-arbitrary 720 cals from running to get to Net Cals of the day and I ate all the way up until these Net Cals were in the high 2,000s (2600ish). And I wished I didn't eat all that, but I also kind of don't care. I really don't. Some things to consider during this: I must have been really really hungry because I ate a lot and, afterwards, didn't feel starving anymore but also didn't even feel the food in my stomach. I ate 6 milano cookies, 1/2 cup of PB, and 5 granola bars. Seriously.

So, take aways from this experience:
1) I began and continued eating because of hunger
2) I was hungry because I didn't eat dinner
3) I notice I'm not beating myself up like I would have at other times
4) I'll admit that I have "compensating" restrictive thoughts today (do I eat nothing all day? do I just eat lettuce?), but I'm not reallyt aking those thoughts seriously.
5) I'll admit that I'm calorie counting more than normal lately today. This is probably due to a little anxiety and need to feel like I "know" I didn't eat too much.
6) I am actively telling myself "it's okay to eat more than xxx calories today; in fact, you have to in order to not set yourself up to do the same thing tonight." and I believe myself. So, I am having to do some healthy back-talk to myself.
7) Things to remember: i didn't just get instantly fat and out of control. To everyone else I'm the same person today so I can be just as happy today as am on a day with better body/food confidence. The most essential thing will be to forget about it, move on, and eat my meals today as if yesterday didn't happen. That will set me up to be successful with food today and put be back on track.

Things I have to do that I might have trouble with:
1) Eat real actual food at lunch and dinner
2) Feel full
3) Drink water (even if I feel full)

Doing those things are necessary for me to have a decent day today and tomorrow.

Another girl I'm rooming with just woke up, came out of her room, picked up a Kackle candy bar (mini), ate it, and then said, "let's eat lunch. I want food." This girl, like me, was eating to her hearts content last night. In fact, she was even eating way more. I'm sure her weight stays relatively stable. She didn't even consider "what to do today to make up for yesterday." It just wasn't a big deal. That's how I need to actively try to treat it too. And I think I can. I don't think it'll be that hard. I will have to use a little effort to stay on track today, and I could easily decide I don't feel like expending effort and today could be a screwed up food day, but I will try and use the effort, and i'll do it.