Nervous without productivity

I majorly took the day off today. I woke up, feeling worse than yesterday, and had a fever again. I thought I was getting better. I thought, "Well, maybe things got worse again because I have worked at the fro yo shop the last few nights and have continued to tutor (except yesterday when I was forced out of the center). Maybe I can't just "work through this" and get better at the same time. Maybe I should just give in and devote the day to complete rest.

I have a hard time telling people I don't feel well. (It's easier to write it here). Today was the first time in my entire life I think that I've ever said, "I don't feel well. I'm sick." But, I did. I said just that to my bosses at the tutoring center, and to the parents of the various families that I was scheduled to work with today, and to my coworkers at the fro yo store. And, no one seemed to judge me too harshly, and, as a result, I got my day completely freed up.

So, I have done nothing today but rest. It's 4pm. I am still in my pajamas. All I have done is move from my bed, to the papasan chair. I've stood up and taken the required 10 steps a handful of times to make tea, coffee, breakfast, and lunch, but other than that, I've sat here, sipped hot tea, read A LOT, and been thisclose to falling asleep. I'm going for the "intense rest" method. I'm telling my body to hurry up and fix itself. See, Body, I'm not moving, and I'm feeding you, and I'm hardly awake, so you're freed up to go and fix yourself. Go, go, now, go along.... I'd appreciate returning to normal schedule tomorrow, so, hurry along... (I haven't been sick beyond a cold in 4 years 5 years? I had a fever one for about one day my junior year of college. I threw up once when I was in middle school. Besides that... just minor colds. Funny that now I start to eat better and I get sick. What's up with that?!)

I'm kind of sad today. Not really sad. Kind of nervous. I don't know really waht I feel. I just feel inadequate. I've made a long to-do list and I keep thinking "Get up and start doing things!" I'm getting nervous about what my bosses at the tutoring center are thinking of my day off. I'm getting nervous that I'm being perceived as a failure. I guess best not to dwell here. I don't really have th energy or will to counter these thoughts right now, so I guess I'll just ignore them instead.

I'm hungry right now, but I wonder how I can be hungry when I ate a big breakfast and lunch..... I'm starting to get really nervous right now. I wonder if it's because I'm hungry that I'm nervous? Okay, I have to write out what I'm nervous about:
1) Does my boss at the tutoring center think I'm irresponsible?
2) I need to make a decision about what to do with my futre
3) I've done nothing productive today and I could have. I had this whole day and I can think of all kinds of things to do, but I'm not doing them. I think I'll feel better if I stand up and get going....

Anyway, today, I'm on track to have a decent day.

B: an unmeasured (Can you believe that?!) bowl of cereal. It was a good, hearty bowl.

L: unmeasured (but trust me - enough... 10 - 12 oz?) chickpea vegetable soup (heavy on the chickpeas) with a huge pinchful (3 tablespoons?) full-fat shredded cheese, and a toasted whole wheat english muffin.


I'm hungry now but I don't want to eat because I don't know what I want to eat. And I feel like I shouldn't be hungry because I have not moved at all and I had a big breakfast and lunch.

It's very likely I'm not hungry and I'm just nervous. Ah, If eel so nervous right now. Sometimes I think I mistake nerves for hunger. Ok, I have to stop writing about this becaues it's making me feel like I'll just stop breathing.


Just wanted to document something I've been thinking about stomaches.... eh, I dont' feel like typing. I'll tell you all later...

sorry this is kind of a downer post. I'm just nervous for no obvious reason. I think I feel like I'm falling behind in life right now. But I'm just being a little.... dramatic right now so I think I should just stop thinking. I'll go be a little productive in a little bit and i'll feel better. Maybe I'm just going crazy form not moving or talking all day long...

okay, i really really need to stand up and do things. Maybe I should go on a walk. No, I'm going to do things though:
Laundry
ATtendane for a student
Operation tracker for another student
Binder organization
Enter tutoring sessions into shared google calendar
take out trash
pay bills
get mail
buy dish washing detergent
make a list of things to apply for (slash decide if i should apply to freaking grad school or not?!?! yes, there has been a lot of changes going on int his department - none of which I'm writing or talking about. I need to start talking about it though...)

okay, i have to do these things.
but i don't want to
i just want to close my eyes and make it be tomorrow
and i want nothing on my agenda for tomorrow.

(okay, i'm def. not hungry. I am just nervous. i'm shaky because i'm nervous. it's not that i'm hungry. i'll eat dinner though later. i'm going to make a nice dinner and enjoy it!)


I WANT TO RUN. i have a nice vision of putting on some running pants, wearing an ear-muff head band to keep my aching ears war, put on a long sleeve shirt and heading out for a nice rhythmic jog.

I want to run sooooo badly. (but I shouldn't....) I really want to, though.

Running always makes me feel better. I feel like I would feel better if I ran. But I know better than that. I shouldn't. But, ah, man, I am SO looking forward to my next run. Just thinking of it makes me smile and makes me feel calm. When will it be?! I hope soon.

i sort of just want my mom.