If I listen to my body (or mind?), I am having desires to eat a lot. My food was pretty normal today and yesterday, but I find myself just wanting carbs. Like now. It's like I kind of want to make a gigantic bowl of cereal and enjoy it. Now, I would love some toast with peanut butter (lots of peanut butter!). Or a big bowl of cereal. Or I'd like a huge waffle - big enough to fill me up. I haven't felt that full, satisfied feeling in a while, and I want to. AT the same time, I'm not exactly letting myself feel that.
Today after dinner, I thought I was too full, yet I still wanted chocolate. I didn't want to "give in" though because, for some reason, I feel like it's risky to totally let go of all control.
What would I be risking? Endless weight gain (not likely going to happen). What else would I be risking? I'd risk losing the feeling (hunger) that tells me I'm doing okay (totally irrational).
Anyway, at 10pm, I found myself hungry again after dinner... and I wanted to snack. I wanted pretzles or cereal. I just want... something to eat! It's not that I'm starving. I've eaten well enough today. It's just that I want that... umph... you know? that satisfying bite. I want that "ah" feeling when your body knows its done eating... Instead, I'll wait till breakfast.
Problem being, I don't actually own food. So eating isn't even possible. Since I don't own food, I'll admit to eating a couple of strange things the past nights because I wanted a carby snack. I ate half a can of tomatoes (they didn't taste good). I ate a few dry, uncooked penne pasta. Tonight, I ate some broccoli florets. I know none of this is normal. This kind of primitive behavior is just a sign that I need to eat a bit more. (ha - Ashley - you need to come visit so we can go grocery shopping again. I still have the butter you made me buy. I almost threw it out a couple of days ago, but then I thought of you and didn't lol) T
Part of me is glad that I don't own food because I know if I did, I'd be eating it right now. And, it's just easier to wake up feeling good about myself and ready to face the day if I don't eat the not-completely-needed-just-wanted snack. Another part of me really wants to own food because I freakin' want a snack - lol. I can't go through life not owning food. I didn't grocery shop once in the whole month of January. I think that should not continue into February.
So, yes, I'm not totally letting myself feel satisfied. Problem. Also, I'm not keeping food in my house. Another problem. But still...I've made lots of great progress. I don't even know the last time I counted calories regularly. I don't feel some sort of complete dependency on a meal plan. I mean, I really am just centimeters away from being "normal" in this regard.
Other than that.. I've always been curious if, on The Biggest Loser application, they ask if you've ever had an ED. So, I registered on the website so that I could receive an application, just so I could see if they screened for this. While they don't screen for EDs, they do ask your dieting history. Anyway, I know I wouldn't qualify for TBL, and I wouldn't actually try to go on the show or anything... but the part of the application that made me realize that I'd REALLY never get chosen was the part where they require 6 personal references. HA! If TBL ever called any of my references, my references would NEVER say "yes, put her on the show!" They'd be more like "She did what?! I'm gonna strangle her!"
So, had a good day at work but I just can't believe how much lower stress it is than teaching. On my lunch break today (turkey sandwich on a bagel), I was eating/reading and thinking, "Wait... so I got paid for what I did this morning? But I didn't do anything! Wait... this is a job?!" I mean, really, once you teach, you can do anything. I have heard people say that once you recover form an ED, you'll realize you can do anything. Or I've heard people say that recovering from an ED is the hardest thing you'll do in your life. Well, that hasn't been my experience. My experience is BY FAR that teaching was way harder than having/recovering from an ED. Maybe I'm mis-remembering, but I'm pretty sure that was my experience. Once you have taught, you can never be stressed out it seems - because you realize "it could be more stressful."
I am feeling really unfit lately. I ran two days ago. I want to run again tomorrow. I will. I hate this knee problem! I really want to run! I just need to feel fit again. I had gotten kinda used to not running, but I'm starting to feel like I'm just losing health and fitness. I am 99% sure that I gain weight and size when I exercise. However, I'd take a 5 pound weight gain in order to be able to run. I really would. I might even take worse body image in order to be able to run.
Last thought: I wish I had a way of knowing that listening to my body was working. I wish someone kept track of my weight; but no one does. Jane told me I could go to the Dr. to get weighed every 6 months if I wanted. But 1) I am not making a dr. appt just to get weighed and 2) every 6 months?! what's the point!
k super tired. off to bed. i want breakfast.
I guess teaching is different from recovering from/having an ED, so you can't necessarily compare them directly.
ReplyDeleteAlso satisfying yourself is really hard, I think even 'normal' people struggle to get it right all the time. All I know is that the more I practise the better I get at knowing what my body needs.
I love your posts...kind of like a stream of consciousness style of writing..
Thanks for your comments on my blog btw :-)
Sarah x
Thanks, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting to read about the grocery issue. I've always been the opposite: I go to the store pretty frequently, buy tons of things because they look good. The catch is that often I don't work up the courage to eat them, so my kitchen tends to be STUFFED with food. Not so great for my budget. It's actually pretty funny, that even during very sick times my kitchen was stocked enough to feed a football team.
ReplyDeleteI think that keeping more real food on hand would definitely be a good challenge to undertake, because in reality that's part of having a healthy lifestyle, which is the goal here, right? Would it help if you and Tracie sat down and made a weekly/monthly shopping list?
SO glad the new job is working out well! You're a star and I'm sure they're glad to have you. <3
Hey Cammy...
ReplyDeleteActually, when I was more stuck in the ED, I was the same as you with food. I had so much of it. Falling out of every little place in the kitchen you could imagine. In college, I always had food in my backpack even "Just in case" I suddenly needed it to not die - lol - something like that.
Also, I love to grocery shop. I looooove to peruse, to look at the new products, etc. So it's not that I get scared of it or don't know how. So Tracy doesn't need to help me here.
Basically, I did the same thing. I would buy lots of food, and I'd never finish it all. So I had a theory that I'd save money by just shopping daily and eating what I bought. Actually, so far this has worked. I have spent less money this month at the grocery store. However I should still have some basics in my apt. Anyway, the saving money appraoch to grocery shopping was why I didn't grocery shop in January.
I think I wasn't grocery shopping for a couple reasons: 1) experiment to save money; 2) external guarantee that I won't eat (because I'm kind of too far along in this recovery thing to actually deny myself food when I'm hungry on a consistent basis)
So, anyway, point is... I need/want to grocery shop again. It's not hard for me, so I don't need Tracy's help (but that's a thoughtful idea!). I should have more food in my house than I do.
oh yeah... just to clarify... this month I wasn't grocery shopping, but I was going into grocery stores on a daily basis to buy food.
ReplyDeleteYep I do that too, but I end up throwig out the food when it goes bad :-(
ReplyDeleteAnd NOW! boil the pasta, pour in the tomatoes and steam the brocoli and you've got a nice little snack. It's not that hard, well once you boil it then it will not be hard.
i always wished i lived alone so that i didn't have food available at all times. but i'm at my parent's house until i get married, then living with my husband... so i'll never actually live alone. i always wonder what it would be like... i kinda feel like i'm missing out.
ReplyDelete